Life lessons from a galaxy far, far away: What I learnt from Star Wars

NEED some direction in the great big deathstar we call life? These are the answers you’re looking for. Among the lightsabers and holograms, Star Wars is packed with wisdom.

YOU’VE got Star Wars fans — then you’ve got complete Star Wars dorks.

I’m firmly lodged in the dork category, so May the 4th — the day to celebrate all things Star Wars except Jar Jar — holds a special place in my dorky heart.

To commemorate this day and 37 years of Star Wars awesomeness — here are the important life lessons I’ve learnt from a galaxy far, far away.

Why do I suddenly feel like eating two Cheesymite scrolls from Baker’s Delight?

1. We’re all going to die

It was Star Wars that introduced me to the concept of death. It was probably my parents’ idea though; I suspect they chickened out, plugged A New Hope into the VHS and hoped for the best.

I was three when it clicked that the pile of brown robes on the floor of the Death Star meant Obi Wan was dead. Up until that point I think I’d assumed it was just a neat Jedi disappearing act, a follow-up to his Mos Eisley arm-removal routine (Vader tapping the pile of robes with his foot to make sure Obi Wan isn’t all Honey, I Shrunk the Jedi didn’t help clarify things).

I’m still not sure how Obi Wan simply disappeared when Darth Maul was bisected like a Coles barbecue chicken, but whatever. When I realised Obi Wan Kenobi was gone-gone, I cried to near-spewing point. But then I watched Empire, which thankfully introduced me to the concept of an afterlife in the form of an Alec Guinness hologram. Phew. Well played, parents. Well played.

Learn life lessons from this film, you will.

2. Your parents make mistakes too

Probably not the kind where they turn to the dark side, julienne younglings and slice off your writing hand, but every parent screws up sometimes. You will too. It’s the wonderful circle of generational dysfunction. Just try not to Force Choke anyone. Unless they flout elbow etiquette on public transport, or eat tinned salmon in your open-plan office, or fill your Facebook feed with ceaseless banal hashtagging i.e. #lunch, #weekend, #sunset, #thankgodforcoffee, #instacat, #vacuuming, #nomnomcereal. Then they have failed you for the last time and should Force-Choking prove ineffective, I recommend ripping their arm off Wookiee-style and punching them in the throat with it.

Anakin Skywalker.

3. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is

If a Bothan spy sidles up to you in the cantina and offers you Death Star blueprints, you tell him/her/it to f!@# off. It’s the galactic equivalent of being paid with magic beans. Yes, many Bothans died to bring the Rebels that information, but shouldn’t that have tipped the Rebels off that the Empire was onto them? No one had a bad feeling about that? At all?

Regardless, the whole Bothan thing is a good example of why you should be suspicious of anything that seems too easy or sounds too good to be true. Thermomix party invite? No deposit Sydney home loan? As Admiral Ackbar would say — it’s a trap! And if life teaches you anything, it’s that you don’t argue with talking calamari.

4. You choose your destiny

Clearly, because despite Vader and the Emperor repeatedly telling Luke that turning to the dark side is his destiny, the dork farm boy from Tatooine manages to defy said destiny, restore his father to the good side, overthrow the Emperor’s longstanding dictatorship and still get home in time for fireworks and an Ewok disco.

Of course he had some help from his born-again Jedi dad. Which leads to another point: your parents will make mistakes, but when you’re knee-deep in some serious blue lightning shit, they’re likely to be the ones to bail you out.

R2D2 and C3PO a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Well, mid-70s in the Californian desert.

5. Success doesn’t come easy

As Aristotle once said, a couple of days on Dagobah doth not a Jedi make. Except when it sort of does, and a brisk jog through the Dagobah wilderness with a Yoda backpack on counts for 90% of your intensive Jedi bridging course. But we’ll skim over that part and jump straight to the start of Return of the Jedi, when Yoda tells Luke he’s still on P-plates. Vader. Luke must confront Vader. Only then a Jedi will he be.

Of course if it goes pear-shaped he’ll also be dead, and being a dead Jedi doesn’t land you any Twi’lek dancing girls. Alas, years of hard work and a moderate amount of wading through crap/confronting your evil dad is invariably the price of success.

Storm Troopers make monochrome look so chic.

6. Good mentors make all the difference

Side note: some mornings — usually the ones that follow a night on the pinots — I wake up, lurch into the bathroom, look in the mirror and see the love child of Linda Blair and Emperor Palpatine staring back at me. True story.

Anyhow, when it comes to becoming a trusted Jedi Master versus ending up literally legless on a volcanic planet with your eyeballs on fire, mentorship is probably going to make all the difference. So choose your mentors wisely, and don’t be seduced by those who over-promise i.e. I’ll teach you how to defy death.

Instead, go with the ones who tell you what you may not want to hear but probably need to. For example: fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to insecurity, insecurity leads to humble bragging, humble bragging leads to #nomnomcereal, and once you become a hashtag-vomiting knobhead, forever will the dark side dominate your destiny.

Obi Wan was SUCH a back seat driver.