Scones with jam and cream: You’re doing it wrong

THE bulk of the population is eating scones incorrectly. And, according to Jamila Rizvi, it’s just got to stop.

THERE are two types of people in this world: Those who eat scones by spreading their jam of choice directly onto the dough, topping it off with an ornamental dollop of cream. And those who do it the right way.

I fall into the latter category. Cream first. Jam second.

My comrades in butter knives include celebrity chefs Donna Hay and Nigella Lawson. Rigorous analysis of census data reveals that we’re a group characterised by free spiritedness, good humour, vast intelligence and bloody excellent hair.

Rumour has it that even the Queen herself is one of us. I’m referring here to Her Majesty Elizabeth II and not Beyonce. Although I have it on good authority that Queen Bey is also a silent supporter of the cream first approach. Take one look at the woman’s magnificent weave and really, there can be no question about which camp she falls into.

I’ve recently discovered that despite this outstanding celebrity leadership, many people are still falling victim to incorrect scone assemblage.

I was on fellow news.com.au columnist Em Rusciano’s radio show last week and we asked the audience to call in on this very question. All bar none rang to denounce the cream first, jam second approach.

I was shocked. I was appalled.

WRONG. Picture: Chris Higgins

WRONG.

SO WRONG.

FINALLY! (But take the top off that one on the right).

Setting aside the questionable statistical integrity of the radio polling, I haven’t been able to rest since that day. For the bulk of the population to be eating scones incorrectly is deeply troubling.

For Donna, Nigella, both Queens and I to have become part of the scone-eating minority is a terribly sad reflection on the current state of the world.

Although it does explain the rise of Donald Trump, I suppose.

Let’s review the facts, shall we?

The menus of cute country pubs across Australia and the world proffer a ‘Devonshire tea’, which consists of a pot of English breakfast tea, scones with jam and cream.

The established Devon method is to spread the cream first and jam second. Only in Cornwall did they ever think jam first was a sensible idea.

And ain’t nobody ordering a Cornish Tea outside of Cornwall itself.

Misguided souls argue that jam cannot effectively ‘grip’ cream and therefore needs to be placed directly onto the dough. They worry that the jam cannot be spread smoothly across the surface of the cream without creating a mishmash of jammy-cream (which we can all agree nobody wants).

To these people, I say: Try harder.

Perfection.

The consistency of the cream and the pressure of your spreading arm need to be just so in order to achieve the desired result. If you find that difficult then you need to practice, not create your own scone-eating rules in direct contradiction of the Queen like a crazy person.

Consider this: In what other circumstances is it appropriate to spread the more flavoursome item first? You wouldn’t put vegemite on your toast without a butter buffer. That’s just sick behaviour. And in the scone-eating context, cream is a butter substitute. The cream must come first to prevent the strong sweetness of the jam interacting directly with the crumbly bread-like quality of the scone.

Scones are also more aesthetically pleasing when presented cream first and jam on top. Go to the supermarket and pick up a packet of those strawberry and cream jellies. The white is on the bottom, the pink on the top. To switch the colours around would be ludicrous and the Global Colour Governing Body, Pantone, would need to be alerted to sort that sh*t out.

There are a small number of people who argue that order doesn’t matter at all. Everything ends up in your mouth anyway, they ignorantly suggest. What utter madness. These people — who no doubt eat scones like sandwiches, rather than in two open halves — deserve to be publicly shamed for their sacrilege.

This woman is a monster.

I was on the phone to one of my cream-first comrades just yesterday and we agreed that humanity is indeed living through dark times. Despite overwhelming pressure to conform however, we will remain staunch in our commitment to cream first, jam second. Our shared dedication to the cause of proper scone-eating etiquette is unshakable.

We will prevail, doilies and all. We must.

Jamila Rizvi is a writer, presenter and news.com.au columnist. You can send your scone-related gripes to her on Facebook and Twitter. And feel free to post your complaints of “this is not news” in the comment section.