Expert reveals how to survive high pressure situations with your relationship intact

It’s a stressful time of year – but a couples’ therapist has revealed how to survive high pressure situations with your relationship intact.

The cicadas are buzzing, the weather is warm and Christmas is fast approaching.

It’s that time of the year when you can unwind, get to the beach, let go of the stress and have an amazing time of loving connection with extended family.

Okay, cue reality … those cicadas just add to the already too noisy environment you are in, your work deadline is fast approaching, it’s too hot to sleep and you dread spending time with that family member who always treats you like the 14-year-old you become whenever they interact with you.

The end of year can be a very stressful time and returning to dysfunctional family functions can be the cherry on top of the Christmas pudding. 

When one partner is under a lot of stress and pressure, it can have a negative impact on the relationship and cause a divide. Old family dynamics can also cause a split between partners when the new or old partner is forced to get in line with the family’s oddities or compliance. For example, it’s 40 degrees inside the house, everyone is sweating – but no one would dare put the brand new airconditioning on, because the mother-in-law does not think it is necessary as no one has passed out from heat exhaustion and she feels cozy in warm weather. 

While it can all sound hopeless, the good news is that Christmas miracles are possible if you work together as a team.

With the right tools and strategies you can support one another and in particular the partner who is under a lot of pressure. 

How do you get through the holiday season while supporting your partner? Picture: iStock

Here are five ways to be more supportive when your partner is under pressure:

1. Listen and validate

As a couples therapist, I can tell you that generally, people are not as good as they think they are when it comes to listening and validation in relationships. More often than not, partners jump to solutions, opinions or opposing ideas instead of working to understand their partner’s experience and feelings.

Tip: When your partner is expressing a concern, give them your full attention without interrupting them. Don’t offer an opinion or solution unless asked. Repeat back the story you heard from them and check in to see if you got it right and understood.

Then offer some emotional words indicating how you think they might be feeling. 

2. Create time for your partner’s individual needs

It might sound counterintuitive, but creating space for less couple time and more individual time for your partner can actually be helpful for your relationship and your partner.

Having more individual time might help your partner get the time they need to complete that work deadline. Or perhaps, getting time for that personal activity or social outing is just what they need to de-stress and reset.

Tip: Create and suggest your partner has more time away from the relationship or some responsibilities to do what is needed. Do it as an act of love so that your partner does not feel guilty for letting the team down.

Listen extra hard to your partner these holiday. Picture: iStock

3. Anticipate the family dynamics and practise 

Given family histories and the ghost of Christmas past, it is often easy to predict and anticipate tricky situations that might occur at this time of year.

Anticipating and practising how you would like to act during difficult family interactions can help to decrease reactivity, allowing partners to put in boundaries and respond from their healthiest self rather than being drawn into tangled situations that draw out compliance, self-sacrifice, anger or disconnection.

Tip: With your partner, discuss your predictions on how things will unfold with family based on past experiences.

Next, have a chat about how you or they have reacted in the past and what you would like to avoid. Then, discuss your best, most healthy-self response to limit the impact on you. As partners, talk about how you might support each other and hold boundaries together to limit splitting and to back each other up. 

It’s a stressful time of year – but a couples’ therapist has revealed how to survive high pressure situations with your relationship intact.

4. Take the lead on self-care

Self-care for you and your partner is really important. At this time of year shopping, socialising, work and family commitments take up a lot of time. Taking time out for self-care for you and your partner can really alleviate stress and give both of you some guilt-free time for enjoyment and relaxation.

In particular, if your partner is under a lot of stress, arranging time for self-care can be the lifeline they need.

Tip: Be proactive in creating and planning self-care activities. Organise for someone to look after the children and/or the pets and arrange something like time for a couples’ massage or a morning swim and a coffee just as partners. 

A simple coffee could work magic for your relationship. Picture: iStock

Enjoy a massage together. Picture: iStock

5. Be nice 

If your partner is under a lot of pressure, they might not be at their best. When you are nice and kind in the small moments, you are bringing positivity into the relationship.

Tip: Acting opposite can be a good strategy if you start to feel resentful.

If your partner is not at their best but you know it is temporary due to pressure, act the opposite of how you feel. For example, if you feel like putting your wall up, instead go and offer a hug. Or if you feel like being angry, do something nice for your partner.

Acting opposite can be the catalyst required to move back into a positive and supported relationship state. 

Overall, it is important to remember that times of pressure are temporary and your relationship is bigger than the current problems. Being supportive of one another can actually increase your bond as you start to associate your relationship with positive feelings of care, kindness, safety and growth. 

Shahn Baker Sorekli is a clinical psychologist and couples therapist, as well as the co-founder of the couples coaching app My Love Your Love. He is also the co-author of The 8 Love Links, a book designed to help individuals and couples develop deeper insights and strategies for stronger, more fulfilling relationships. For more information visit www.8lovelinks.com.