The Real Housewives of Sydney episode 5 recap: ‘She’s a lunatic’

Fur fights and snake-milking in this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Sydney, as a weekend away turns ugly. Here’s our recap.

We pick up this week where we left off last episode: With Victoria and Kate locked in battle in the back of a car, arguing about Victoria’s deep love of wearing fur.

Wearing fur is one thing, vet and animal lover Kate reasons, but wearing fur to go volunteer at an animal sanctuary is another.

Victoria’s backseat hissy fit is something to behold: “I was TOLD that I was going on a GLAMOROUS weekend away, so here I am being glamorous in my OWN Victoria Montano way. What I DO is winter fashion!”

Back off Kate, she’s just trying to Be Glamorous In Her Own Victoria Montano Way™

After much heated debate, it’s revealed that Victoria’s fur collar is actually entirely detachable and she can just unclip it from her jacket and leave it in the car while she visits the animal sanctuary. Problem solved. This also leaves her collar free for any other animal skins that might take her fancy while she’s in the sanctuary. She could fit a brushtail possum and a couple of endangered native shews on there!

She’s taking it off! Kate didn’t even have to throw red paint on her

If, like me, you’re finding Real Housewives has had a touch of Mike Whitney’s Sydney Weekender this season, today we enter full Totally Wild territory in an extended sequence where the ladies roam the reptile park, helpfully volunteering with (read: shrilly screaming at) various animals.

There’s koala patting, snake venom-milking, croc feeding … midway through I found myself daydreaming about what TV icon Ranger Stacey’s Real Housewives tagline would be.

“Think I’m Totally Wild now? You should see me after three martinis.” (Hmm, needs work. Maybe a snake pun? Let’s circle back to this – Andy Cohen)

Me greedily inhaling new eps of RHOS, RHOBH and RHOSLC each week

Inside the venomous snake room, a handler introduces them to a taipan and explains that if they’re bitten and don’t seek immediate medical attention, they will soon start bleeding from the eyes, nose and every other orifice on their body. A similar fate befell anyone who suffered the prolonged exposure to toxicity that was The Real Housewives of Sydney’s first season.

Shout out to Caroline, who eschews the rubber snake-handling gloves on offer for her own, rather more S&M version:

I don’t know what kind of girls weekend you thought this was going to be, Caroline

After an exhausting 45 minutes of hard labour, the group splinters for the afternoon to reward themselves in two different ways: Option one, lush girlie massages, and option two, downing hard liquor.

The three who opted for the massage might wish they opted for drinkies when their masseuses all start loudly singing what sounds like Gregorian chants.

Babes, they’re trying to relax here – if you’re going to use this camera time as your Australian Idol audition, you could at least bust out a bit of Enya or Dido:

"Relax … breathe in, breathe out … Anyway here's Wonderwall"

Over at drinks, Victoria is ranting to the other women about arch-rival Kate’s 24-hour Vegetarian Reign of Terror. Yes, as well as forcing her guests to – shock, horror – help animals, Kate’s also been subjecting them to a meat-free day. It’s past lunchtime and Victoria clearly suspects she has advanced anaemia.

She complains that the breakfast frittata they were served “had chickpeas in it, and I am bloating – UNACCEPTABLE.”

That evening, the women retire to their rural property for drinks around the outdoor fireplace. If you’re Caroline, that involves dressing in your most highly flammable outfit:

Victoria’s copping all the heat, meanwhile Caroline slaughtered Ozzie Ostrich to make her jacket

As the other ladies chastise Caroline for arriving late to cocktail hour, she delivers the best read so far this season: “Well, it’s better to be late than ugly.” Immediately obsessed! It’s giving “Jealousy is a disease, get well soon xoxo”.

Dinner is served, and Victoria looks down at her plate of grilled veggies and vegetarian sausages with a look that suggests she’ll be stopping at Maccas on the way home:

I Was Made to Eat A Chickpea: The Victoria Montano Story

“I’m definitely not going to eat this,” she announces to the group. Umm … OK? Then don’t!

Sensing the tension, Krissy asks Victoria how she’s found this weekend away.

Victoria takes a deep breath and utters a camp-even-for-Housewives disclaimer that I will be immediately using in my daily life:

“I’ll speak … but I just don’t want to be interrupted. At any point. By anyone.”

She says she’s been hurt by Kate and Terry, beaten down by their weekend-long admonishments over her fur-wearing.

Kate passionately defends her position, which earns a spectacularly pass-agg rebuttal from Victoria: “Keep screaming – are you OK?”

PETA’s Bondi chapter logging on for duty

Love how her position is basically “everyone shut up"

Victoria says she can’t believe that her host on this weekend away “forced her to take her clothes off” – remember, this was a detachable fur collar, Kate wasn't exactly strongarming her into a Silkwoodshower.

Nicole then weighs in, advising that Kate really should’ve texted everyone before the weekend away to tell them not to wear any fur. With helpful tips like this, you can see why she’s an etiquette expert.

Victoria puts a lid on the argument with another plea for everyone to just shut up: “If you have judgement against someone, the best thing to do is just keep your mouth shut,” she declares. (To butcher a line from Steel Magnolias: If you have judgement against someone, come sit by me).

As an emotional Victoria leaves the weekend early to visit her father in hospital, she declares Kate “the worst host I’ve ever come across: She’s a lunatic.”

If we have another episode of non-stop fur-fights I'M going to rip my skin off

The next morning, Sally pops in to visit Kate, who breaks down crying as she says she’ll never back down in this feud with Victoria, and will continue to fight for animals until her dying day.

An admirable position, but with the looming threat of a third episode dominated by fur-based fighting, I am begging these two to patch it up so we can go back to focusing on, say, Krissy Marsh having too many pre-drinks and saying something offensive over dinner.

Next week: Victoria tries to build a bridge … by inviting Kate to some sort of fur-lover’s evening she’s holding. Let’s see how that’s received.

The Real Housewives of Sydney airs Tuesdays on Binge and Foxtel – and we’re recapping all the highlights each Tuesday at 1pm.

You can also listen to the official Real Housewives of Sydney podcast.