Real Housewives of Sydney episode 3 recap: A wild boat party for an ‘onion’ birthday

The Real Housewives of Sydney channel Victoria’s Secret models for a wild birthday party on Sydney Harbour. Here’s our full recap.

There’s a milestone birthday on this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Sydney, as the cast indulge in that time-honoured Sydney tradition: Competitive binge drinking on a harbour cruise.

But tensions rise after last week, when a group dinner at Nicole’s house turned into a tense debate about motherhood that left everyone with some lingering animosity.

But first this week, we’re with Krissy and Terry, who give us a real insight into what shopping looks like when you’re super-rich.

After trying on a necklace worth $400k, the pair sit down to enjoy some champagne, nibbles and an extended gossipy catch-up – in the middle of the store. The saleswoman doesn’t bat an eyelid as they settle in for an impromptu long lunch. Workers at less exclusive stores may not be as forgiving of this sort of behaviour, as demonstrated by my lifetime ban from Chemist Warehouse.

When you're a Real Housewife, the whole world's an open bar

Krissy’s got complaints about Kate – or, as she calls her, ‘Moaning Lisa’. Terry’s confused: It doesn’t really work as a derogatory nickname because, spoiler alert – Kate’s name is Kate, and not Lisa.

“I’m just getting a Debbie Downer feel from her,” Krissy complains. She’s Debbie now? I think poor Kate might need to start wearing a name tag to their group dinners.

Krissy says she was offended by Kate’s mic-drop moment at last week’s dinner, where she said her mother was a “terrible mum” because she worked full-time.

Terry was less offended.

“I don’t sweat the small stuff. If it isn’t directly involving me, I’m not going to involve myself,” she says. Terry, this is literally the job description of a Real Housewife: Sweat the small stuff. INVOLVE YOURSELF.

Next we join Krissy for another essential activity for any Real Housewife – staging elaborate photoshoots of yourself in your home. Krissy’s is for her new cookbook, and the shoot is mainly her standing alone in a doorway looking very excited to be carrying a giant plate of mussels.

Stock image ‘Woman-laughing-alone-with-seafood.jpg’

“You’re better than Nigella,” the photographer lies.

Krissy’s bestie Nicole drops around, and she has a “bone to pick” with her, as she’s ushered away from the photographer and glam team to explain what’s wrong.

We can tell Nicole is here for a confrontation, because she’s worn her most intimidating sunglasses:

Oh you know she means business

“Nigella wouldn’t have to put up with this”

It’s more beef from last week’s motherhood debate: Nicole says it was “pretty mean” of Krissy to say her girls weren’t equipped for the real world, having been denied access to social media through their childhood.

Krissy backtracks, saying Nicole’s daughters are actually very worldly – because “they’re half-Lebanese” (???). From there, the “fight” is over almost before it began.

Next we’re with Caroline, who gives viewers another update in her worldwide adventures – this time, her recent trip to Burning Man, where she tore around the Playa in “Armageddon-inspired … lingerie.” Apocalypse … but make it sexy:

I want Caroline to release a coffee-table book of all these photos of herself breasting boobily through the world

Caroline continues her talent for bizarre, disturbing non-sequiturs as she talks about her new role, as party planner for Kate’s 40th. Caroline says she “loves parties. I used to have pony parties for my girls. Oh, but the pony died – it feel out of the back of a truck and died while dressed as a unicorn.” Armageddon a feeling I should call the RSPCA.

She and Kate go costume shopping at Sydney drag institution House of Priscilla. It’s all glitter, sparkles and feathers – but being a vet, Kate’s not so sure about wearing a costume adorned with the latter.

Kate, not loving the idea of potentially wearing one of her former patients

“Oh, it’s just some random bird that got run over,” Caroline says, airily dismissing her concerns. “They just scrape them off the highways.”

I did not expect so much of Caroline’s storyline this episode to revolve around animal traffic accidents, and yet here we are.

It’s time for the party, and we’re treated to some glam IRL catwalk shots as the girls give it their best Victoria’s Secret runway walk, all doing a very good job at pretending they’re not just in Darling Harbour dodging ibis poo and Maccas wrappers:

Krissy Marsh: Now with wings!

I’m guessing she didn’t come in on the light rail

This party has everything, except for guests: There seem to be about 40 people in attendance, on a boat built for 400. Tight shots only please, producers!

A topless waiter serves the girls a round of champagne. Picking up an accent, Caroline asks him where he’s from, which leads to a full Abbott and Costello-style back-and-forth:

It's the collar and bow tie that lets you know this is a classy affair

Waiter: Birmingham.

Caroline: Burning Man?

Waiter: Bir. MING. HAM.

Caroline: A burning HAM?

Kate tells the others that turning 40 has given her a “small mid-life crisis.” Despite being so successful a vet that she’s ferried around town by her own personal driver, she feels she hasn’t achieved much as she hits this milestone birthday.

Kate, what’s worse: You being a Real Housewife at 40, or me writing sassy captions under screenshots of you as a Real Housewife at 38? Let me bestow you with the priceless birthday gift of pity for someone less fortunate than you.

Once the boat has left the dock and there’s no practical means of escape, the ladies all start airing their grievances from last episode. Kate says she’s diagnosed Caroline - who last week took a bizarre stand against diversity - with a terminal case of foot-in-mouth. Remember now, Kate is a vet, so Caroline should watch her back on this boat in case she’s pulled behind a curtain and humanely euthanised.

Best friends 4eva / or at least til the season finale!!!

As they sail around the harbour, dancing under the boat’s twinkling lights, one of the women lets out a cry of “SKINNY BITCHES FOREVERRRR!” and they all cheer wildly. It’s unclear if she’s toasting the cocktail menu, or has just spotted a container ship full of Ozempic making its way through the heads at Manly.

As the night wears on, Krissy sits down with a few of the other women and finds an ingenious way to raise her favourite topic: Complaining about Kate behind her back.

“Girls, if you were a vegetable, what would you be?” she begins, innocently enough.

“Because I was thinking Kate would be an onion, because you peel back layer after layer and they’re all just the same.”

This is at the woman’s 40th birthday, mind you, after she’s just confessed she’s in the midst of a mid-life crisis.

"Happy birthday you oniony bitch xxx"

Caroline’s organised some entertainment for the crowd – a drag queen named Betty Blackheart. No sooner has Betty started warming up the crowd, than suddenly, Krissy marches up and attempts to wrestle the microphone off her.

You should know that in the battle of drag queen vs drunk straight girl, drag queen usually wins.

Having just called her an ONION behind her back, Krissy then inexplicably takes it upon herself to deliver a heartfelt birthday speech for Kate. The crowd remains unconvinced.

“Your onion friend? Give your speech to your bestie, sure,” says an incredulous Sally.

Krissy, as a wise woman once said: Drag is not a contact sport.

Kate then delivers a speech of her own, which Krissy helpfully punches up on the fly.

Kate: “You know, you only get one go around this monopoly board called life …”

Krissy: “I’M NOT GOING BACK TO JAIL! AND I’M NOT COLLECTING $200!”

This is generally the point at any social gathering when a good friend should bring you a large glass of water and tell you to have a little sit down away from everyone else.

Later on in the night and a few more drinks in, Krissy and Kate air some of their issues with each other. Krissy confesses she called her an onion behind her back, while Kate says she’s been irritated by Krissy’s snide jokes suggesting she’s a closet lesbian.

“Well, you do have a cat,” Victoria interjects, helpfully. Watch out Kate, sounds like she’s been eyeing it off - I think she wants to turn it into a coat.

Kate ends the night by inviting the ladies with her on a weekend out of the city (textbook LESBIAN TRAP), then delivers a line that’s been uttered near countless times by Housewives across the globe, yet somehow sounds as fresh and hopeful as the first time we heard it.

“I’m so excited to have the ladies away for a weekend – now all that matters is that we all get along.”

Next week: They don’t.

New episodes of The Real Housewives of Sydney air Tuesdays on Binge and Foxtel, and we’ll recap all the wildest moments from each episode here on news.com.au each week.