James Weir recaps The Bachelorette Australia 2021 episode 9

Right before The Bachelorette finale, two bombshells are dropped and throw off the ending. James Weir recaps.

Another day, another reality TV contestant getting blindsided.

Who’s the latest survivor of blindsiding? The Bachelorette’s Brooke. During Thursday night’s hometown episode – the final step before the big decision is made at next week’s finale – she’s blindsided with a one-two punch from a pair of favourites.

A double blindside. It’s a Tracey Jewel Special. The Married At First Sight veteran is really the spokesperson for getting blime-fibeb. Trace should start running some kind of blindside recovery group. Brooke needs it after tonight.

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It’s bad news all around. We also get blime-fibeb when we tune it to Channel 10 and find out we’re trapped watching a movie length, double feature episode. Two episodes, back-to-back. Jeez. The guys over at Channel 10 really wanna get rid of this thing quick. Crank the tap till the water runs clean.

This recap will not be a play-by-play of the entire three hours. Could you imagine? As if. We’re all very busy. I have repeats of the Gilmore Girls that are waiting for me. This recap is the best bits only. And obviously I use the term “best bits” loosely.

We start with the nude-ish date where Brooke strips off and makes the contestants do a painting of her. An entire team is on-site to assist with manoeuvring a nude-ish Brooke into position. The only real takeaway from this date is someone should launch a business that provides an entourage to help you take naked pics for dating apps. We could even franchise into shopping centre kiosks, like StarShots.

Don’t even think about stealing my business idea.

Are you ready for the first blindside? Prepare to see stars. It involves Konrad. He’s beautiful and lovely. Whenever he sees Brooke, he doesn’t just walk – he bounds. He’s like Clifford The Big Red Dog, if Clifford had access to a Clairol Nice ‘n’ Easy at-home kit.

Konrad’s the kind of guy you date over the summer holidays – where days morph into one big endless weekend that smells like coconut sunscreen. For us regular people, we’re not our real selves over summer holidays. Free of deadlines and resentment that stems from irritating work colleagues, we’re easy and breezy. Sure, I’ll go to a movie at 10pm on a Tuesday! We pretend to enjoy warm beer and morning sex.

But that’s just us. Guys like Konrad live that way all year ‘round. Come February, you’ve gotta go back to work. And that’s when you realise … they don’t work.

“I did leave my job just before I came to the mansion,” Konrad reveals to Brooke.

“And carpentry wasn’t really fulfilling me. But now – because I don’t have a mortgage or a family – I wanna chase some stuff that has real meaning for me. I don’t think chasing materialistic things is going to give me fulfilment and happiness. So, realistically, after this – if we were together – my main goal is to just find fulfilment.”

“Doing … what?” Brooke squints.

He stares at the ground. Silence. It’s so quiet we actually hear the mansion’s auto-timed sprinkler system switch on.

“ … Yeah … I dunno …” he eventually replies. “But … making other people happy makes me really happy. So … if I can use that to generate an income, awesome. If I can get fulfilment that way.”

Konrad, get a grip. If you really wanna impress Brooke, you’re gonna need to show a solid work ethic. Start a business! I just gave you a great idea with my Starshots Nudez shopping centre kiosk! Have some initiative.

I’ve dated guys like Konrad before. Fulfilment is wonderful. But so is paying rent and meeting your quarterly private health insurance repayments.

Brooke doesn’t know how to respond to any of this.

“Yeah,” she mumbles, looking around at the backyard.

Run. Run. Run.

But maybe we’ve got it all wrong. Let’s just ask Konrad how he sees their future together.

“I think a future with me would be, like, we’d get up early and go for runs or, if you wanted to sleep in, I’d have your coffee ready for you because I’m up at 4.30am or 5am.”

“Cute,” Brooke sighs, not even trying to hide her dissatisfaction.

“And … I make a good breakfast burrito. And then we’ll walk the dogs or kick a footy. Or just stay in bed if it’s raining because Melbourne gets pretty cold and wet.”

Brooke then realises she’s going to have to explain to Konrad what being an adult is. “I wish I could do that everyday but I go back into hardcore, intense work – and I know you’re in a bit of limbo and I just wanna know where does that go long term?”

Konrad’s response is the same one given by all dreamy summer boyfriends. “I don’t know what I’m gonna do after this but ... without sounding cocky, I feel like I’m gonna be super successful.”

And who do you think’s gonna end up having to pay for all your Clairol Nice ‘n’ Easy at-home kits?

The most outrageous part of this whole thing is Konrad gets up at 4.30am. Why? It’s not like you have a job to go to.

Frustrated doesn’t even begin to describe what Brooke’s feeling at this very moment. So it’s probably a good time to unleash the second blindside.

We cut to the second episode in tonight’s tedious double feature. It’s the hometown visits. We only bother showing up to Holly’s mum’s house because that’s where the second blindside happens.

Things have been really swell between Holly and Brooke. But, as we all take a seat around Holly’s mum Suzie’s patio, things take a turn. In a casual conversation about Brooke’s heritage and where she grew up, she reveals she has a desire to move back to Western Australia in the future. Holly’s blindsided (this isn’t the official second blindside – it’s just a bonus one).

Suze copes the only way she knows how:

You and us both, Suze.

Then Suze drags Brooke around to the side of the house and interrogates her about kids. Brooke reveals her dream of having three children – two biological, one adopted or fostered.

We’ll let Suze take it from here.

“I do know Holly has always voiced that she would have ideally no children or maybe one,” she raises an eyebrow.

Any thoughts, Brooke? “I want a whole f**kin’ tribe.”

Well then.

Brooke confronts Holly about it while standing out on Suze’s dark driveway. The conversation goes around in circles and ends with Brooke sobbing before running into a garden while wailing, “I can’t be here.”

Brooke, climb out of that garden this very instant.

If you’re going to cry, it has to be on camera.

That completes the double-blindside portion of the evening. Now comes the big question: Which blindsider is Brooke gonna axe?

Holly might not wanna move to WA with Brooke, but at least she has a job and can pay for flights to go visit. On the other hand, Konrad’s breakfast burritos sound pretty good. They’d be nice to eat after pretending to enjoy all that morning sex.

It’s a real toss up, but obviously Konrad has to go and Brooke kicks him out. After all, she has a job – she can buy her own breakfast burrito.

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