James Weir recaps The Bachelorette Australia 2021 episode 1

Brooke’s big Bachelorette premiere has been marred by one person’s nasty move. James Weir recaps.

What should’ve been a joyous and celebrated world-first premiere of The Bachelorette on Wednesday night is marred by what is perhaps one of the most disgusting and disrespectful social acts: chair theft.

There is no greater crime than stealing someone’s chair. Anyone with siblings knows this. You’ll be watching TV and then race to the bathroom during a commercial break only to find, upon return, that your inconsiderate relative has stolen your lounge chair.

It’s certainly not hyperbolic to describe the move – like one contestant so eloquently did – as a “dog act”.

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It has been about a month since The Bachelor wrapped. Producers obviously needed that time to hose out the mansion. Osher’s wheeled out of the garage, dusted off and reprogrammed with his script for the unprecedented season.

“For the first time in 20 years of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette history anywhere in the world, Australia’s sweetheart Brooke Blurton has become the world’s first bisexual Bachelorette,” he states.

We check in on Brooke and get up to speed with all the major events that landed her here tonight. Of course, archive footage is played of her time as a contestant on Honey Badger’s season. And then we watch more sepia-toned flashbacks to the time she hooked-up with Alex Nation on Bachelor In Paradise, only to be left heartbroken.

“I’m the first Indigenous lead, I feel a bit of responsibility to not only my community but the queer community as well. It is amazing. It f**king is,” she tells us.

And she’s right. It is momentous. This inclusivity is what we should be seeing in prime time across all our major free-to-air networks.

The Bachelorette has been elevated and the series has finally come screeching into 2021. Better late than never.

Things are about to change. Gone is the superficial nonsense and reality TV trashbaggery of yore. This series will be classy, elegant and sophisticated.

It’s a new dawn and a new da-

Of course.

Once the petrol fumes from the ride-on lawnmower are fanned away, Brooke hardly has time to catch her breath before the conga line of potential lovers rolls on.

There’s Beau, who insists on forcing Brooke to pose for an impromptu photo-shoot. And then he goes and says the thing we all wanna hear from strange men.

“I have my own personal stash of photos already,” he fist pumps.

Eep.

“Brooke is picking up what I put down,” Beau nods. “I think she absolutely loved it. She loves me already.”

Mmmhmmm. Mmhhhhm. Let’s check in with Brooke for confirmation of that claim. Ms Blurton?

’Nuff said.

Things couldn’t possibly get worse.

Oh, wait. Now there’s a guy who brought flatpack furniture and is making Brooke help assemble it.

There’s nothin’ better than drilling on a first date.

They build the bench. And it’s promptly left on the median strip outside the mansion for council kerbside collection.

Free to a good home.

When Carissa reaches the end of the red carpet and meets Brooke, she gifts her a beautiful hand painted sketch of a turtle. Yay! But then she keeps saying “synchronocity” instead of “synchronicity”. Boo.

Yes, we heard you. Twice.

Of course, the person we’ve all been waiting for is Jamie-Lee – a former contestant on The Bachelor who appeared alongside Brooke during Honey Badger’s quest for love.

“Brooke and I spent a lot of time together in the house. We had so much in common. We just clicked. I definitely think it was more than just friends,” she tells us. “I honestly think there was something there. I was really mindful that Brooke had a really strong connection with Nick and I never wanted to overstep that friendship barrier so I never really voiced my mind and spoke about there maybe being feelings involved. When I left the mansion, we kinda lost touch. So Brooke and I never got the chance to see if there was actually something between us.”

The moment Brooke lays eyes on Jamie-Lee, she’s stunned.

“Nup. Turn around, bitch,” Brooke says.

Fine, she says that as a joke later in the night, during a private chat after Jamie-Lee tells her how nervous she was about what reaction she’d receive on the red carpet.

“There were so many times in the mansion where I’d wanna sneak over to your bed,” Jamie-Lee confesses. “But I just didn’t know. It was so scary because if I put my feelings out there and you ended up with Nick, I would’ve lost you as a friend.”

Brook says she felt the same. “I’ll be honest with you, Jamie, I had feelings for you in the house. But I knew I was there for Nick. I was conflicted.”

They kiss and the live studio audience woos.

The love story we deserve.

The series may as well just end right now. The winner has already been decided.

Oh, fine – we’ll stick around. But only because some chick steals that guy’s flatpack bench and uses it to sit on during her own chat with Brooke. Tempers flare. Fury erupts.

“I think everyone was in shock. How disrespectful,” Konrad, the owner of the Ikea seat, seethes. “That’s f**ked.”

Konrad’s kompletely korrect.

A chorus of other voices join in the outrage.

“How dare you,” one chick shakes her head. “I think it’s absolutely disrespectful as hell.”

“The audacity!” another comments.

“Jess taking Brooke to the love seat? It was definitely a dog act,” one guy declares.

Of all the arguments that have ever happened because of a piece of flatpack furniture, this is the biggest.

There’s only one reasonable thing for Konrad to do: March across the lawn and confront the chair thief.

This is the worst thing to happen to benches since Meghan Markle’s children’s book.

When it comes time for the rose ceremony, the grudge is still held.

“It shows the kind of person she is,” Konrad glares at his nemesis.

It certainly does. She’s no better than a couch-stealing sibling.

One person is goin’ home tonight. Maybe Jess will get her comeuppance.

The dirty chair thief is in the bottom two with a guy in a hot pink blazer. While we’d love to send both of them home for their heinous choices, only one can be cut.

Jess gets the rose.

The dirty chair thief lives to sit another day. Guard your seats, everyone.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir

People like her shouldn’t be allowed to sit.