James Weir recaps The Bachelorette 2021 episode 8

We’ve seen naked contestants on The Bachelor before. Now, the Bachelorette strips down. James Weir recaps.

The Bachelorette riffraff are forced to scramble on Wednesday night and improvise some last-minute makeshift grand gestures in the hope of unlocking access to a brand new level of this game: naked date.

We didn’t even know this secret level existed. It’s as if Mario bonked his head on one of the floating bricks and then a vine grew out of it, inviting him up to a colourful new world full of snapping Venus fly traps and evil mushrooms.

None of those phrases are intended as euphemisms. They’re Super Mario Bros characters. Jeez.

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Similar to real life, we “accidentally” arrive late to Wednesday’s episode and conveniently time our entrance to sync up with the part of the evening where free alcohol is being served.

Konrad’s just gotten out of the shower after doing a purple shampoo rinse on his hair to stop it from going brassy. And it’s around now he discovers an envelope. The letter’s not addressed to him specifically, but he opens it anyway, like I do with the mail on other people’s desks in my office.

“By the end of tonight, Brooke will choose who gets the final single date,” he reads it aloud.

“It’s huge news. Massive news. Everyone’s kinda getting the vibe now that we really need to do something big at this cocktail party. We need to be noticed.”

Ugh. This can only end badly. Romantic stunts are the worst. Like that guy who proposed at the Adele concert this week. No one likes being put on the spot. All marriage proposals should be done over email with the appropriate window for a reply being three-to-five business days.

Still a lil’ brassy, doll.

The letter sends everyone into a spin. That Jamie-Lee girl frantically looks around the backyard for props. She spots an outdoor coffee table on the patio, drags it over and makes Brooke stand on it.

“In my eyes, you deserve to be on a pedestal,” Jamie-Lee begins. “You always have – and always will be – with me,” she trails off.

’Can I get down?’

The evening is just a revolving door of crappy handmade gifts, terrible poetry and junky jewellery.

Then a bunch of flowers arrives at the front door. It’s the middle of the night – 24-hour florists don’t exist. Particularly out in the sticks where this mansion is located. We can only assume a poor Uber driver was bullied into picking up whatever wilted flowers were at the local convenience store. You know the ones — wrapped in cellophane, sitting in a plastic mop bucket filled with murky water.

“Brooke, just a little something to show my appreciation and feelings thus far,” the card reads.

Fancy stuff. He even used the word “thus”. Ooh la la. G’day, Shakespeare.

Anyway, we find out they’re from Darvid. The gesture is enough to secure him a rose at the elimination ceremony. Konrad and his junk jewellery also get through. Same with Jame-Lee and her pedestal/outdoor coffee table.

The guy with the moustache and the ponytail are kicked out. We don’t know their names and don’t pretend like you do either.

Anyway, the bozos who receive roses tonight are granted access to the surprise new level of The Bachelorette game show: naked date. Producers provide us with a little sizzle reel of next week.

“Today, I’m literally baring all,” Brooke tells us as footage plays of her stripping down, near nude-ish, in front the remaining contestants who are seated at art easels. “I want them to see all my flaws — all my vulnerabilities, all my scars — and still love me”’

“It’s The Bachelorette in all her glory,” Osher gushes, peering through the window.

Kinda wish Jimmy and Locky had to do this, too.

I also use an entourage when taking nudes for Grindr.

While we can’t say for sure, we have no doubt it’ll be a lot classier than when Ciarran bared all during his naked date on Angie’s season of The Bachelorette.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir

One from the archives.