James Weir recaps The Bachelorette 2020 episode 5

A cheating scandal has been unearthed on The Bachelorette while Elly is forced to explain a weekend hook-up with one of the boys. James Weir recaps.

The Bachelorette’s Elly is probed about a hot weekend she once shared with a former contestant while her sister Becky admits to her own cheating scandal on Wednesday night in an episode that fails to outshine the joy of seeing Roxy Jacenko and Schapelle Corby being shoved out of a helicopter on SAS Australia.

There’s a new intruder tonight. He’s hot and, rumour has it, he wins.

Jks, it’s just me making a cameo haiii.

At a Halloween-themed evening, everyone’s tasked with writing down a suggestion on a card that fits into the category of either “truth”, “dare” or “never have I ever” and, yes, this sentence was incredibly tedious to write.

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Some guy called Sam asks the group if they’ve ever cheated because that’s his one deal-breaker. My one deal-breaker is people with really pronounced nail wick but whatever. James and some other guys admit they’ve cheated along with (gasp) Becky.

“For me, it was when I was in my early 20s,” she explains. “I’m really ashamed of having done that. When it happened, I owned up to it. When I did that, I lived with a lot of guilt for a long time.”

And she’s from some dusty old country town so it would’ve been a huge deal. All the townsfolk would’ve been whispering about it and a priest probably shamed her in the town square as a horse and carriage rolled by.

Looks like we underestimated Becky.

Jeez, way to bring down the mood ya bunch of cheaters. Someone’s dared to streak through the mansion to break the tension. We could include a screenshot of that moment but we won’t. Instead, we’ll include this screenshot of sausages wrapped in fried potato spirals. It’s basically the same thing.

These will be served at my wedding.

Then a truth card’s pulled out and Elly’s asked to finally confirm if she actually hooked up with Joe when they dated briefly.

“Joey and I do have a little bit of history. One weekend we spent some time together and for timing reasons, whatever, it didn’t work out,” she explains, completely dodging the actual question.

Boo. Just give us a straight answer! Yes or no: Did the weekend include sausages wrapped in fried potato spirals?

Murmurs pipe up from around the room as the boys try decipher what the hell happened on that vague “weekend”. James can’t handle it and storms out.

“I can’t f**king sit here, ay,” he grumbles.

And neither can we! But not because we’re offended by Elly and Joe’s vague hook-up. We’re just really bored.

Same. SAME.

We can’t decide if this episode is particularly boring or if we’ve just been spoiled by SAS Australia where that angry British guy yells at B-list celebrities until they cry. Let’s put these losers in helicopters and push them out into the ocean like they did with Roxy!

Unfortunately, we don’t get any of this and we’re forced to go to a zoo on an incredibly PG date with Elly and Adam. The animals are livid at the intrusion.

Srsly.

We head back to the mansion, which is exactly like the zoo only it’s messier and stinks more.

“I feel really good going into the cocktail party,” Adrian brags. “I’ve got this awesome suit goin’ on with a turtleneck which makes me look super smart.”

It doesn’t.

Nothing’s hotter than a nude turtleneck.

James is still huffy after that game of truth or dare or whatever the hell it was we all had to suffer through.

“I admitted to Elly I cheated when I was young. I need to explain how long ago it was … And how much I’ve changed,” he frets and, honestly James, literally no one cares.

Of course he doesn’t get dumped tonight. Instead, it’s that guy who looks like Thor’s weird hillbilly cousin.

The real root of James’s freak-out is Elly’s vague weekend hook-up with Joe. The other boys are also unsettled.

Elly again refuses to give specific details, so the boys gather in a gang and speculate before dragging Joe over and pumping him for confirmation. Again, over on SAS Australia, those bitchy British soldiers would’ve pulled the answer out of them in a split second.

“How do you interpret ‘a weekend’? What does that mean?” Frazer asks.

I don’t know Frazer, why is your name misspelt?

I guess there are a lot of questions on this show we’ll never get answers to.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir