James Weir recaps The Bachelorette 2019 episode 9

The man many thought Angie would pick as the winner of The Bachelorette has been exposed as a liar — and the proof is dragged out. James Weir recaps.

Lies threw The Bachelorette mansion off its axis on Wednesday night when one man’s past is suddenly exposed and splayed out on the table in front of everyone — only to be one-upped when it’s revealed another man in the house has lip fillers.

We just don’t know what to believe anymore and so many questions immediately spring to mind. In our heads, we just keep picturing this guy walking into a plastic surgeon’s clinic, holding up a picture of Kylie Jenner and saying: “This”.

Apart from being lied to and humiliated, Angie is looking fabulous tonight.

Chic top, is that from Cue?

Angie cops it tonight. It’s just layer upon layer of humiliation — when she’s not being lied to, she’s having her men stolen by these saucy broads.

Back off, dames.

At first we think Vola is the ringleader of the bunch. She lays an eye on Timmm and, in an instant, she makes a move.

We’re watching you, Vola.

Vola’s trouble, but she’s all talk and no walk. The real trouble maker is this hot thing who steals that Instagram dog influencer Ryan. The hide! She takes great pleasure in taunting Angie and rubbing it in her face.

Bachelorette 2020.

Angie’s shaken. She knew there’d be drama on this show, but she didn’t think producers would go this low and allow a group of thirsty women to just shuffle in and use their wiles to seduce all the men. Angie could play dirty, but she takes the high road by hiding all their walking frames and yelling at them to go back to the nursing home.

’You heard me, nan.’

Before any of those biddies can even find their glasses to begin searching for their hidden wheelie walkers, Angie grabs Ryan by the hand and runs away with him for a private date.

She knows she has a physical connection with him. But is there anything more? There has got to be something deeper if this is going to work in the outside world. She wants something spiritual and intellectual. And there’s only one way to find out if it’s there: by undertaking a very serious and scientific questionnaire.

“Have you ever peed in the shower,” she asks.

It’s a no-brainer and they scream “Yes!” at the same time.

“It’s my favourite place to pee! ‘Cause you’re nude and you’re just going for it. Maybe we could pee in the shower together at the same time. It’s the best,” she gushes, almost in disbelief that she and Ryan share such a common pillar. They’re a perfect match with 100 per cent compatibility. What further proof do we need?

They bask in the glow of compatibility and bond over the importance of truth and how they both hate liars.

“You can’t build a relationship based on lies,” they muse.

That’s the biggest lie of all. All my relationships are built on lies and I’m constantly covering my tracks to stop ever being found out. It’s a real thrill. And I’m not the only one. Ryan too has a secret, but he’s not covering his tracks well.

As we enter the dinner party and spit our chewing gum into Timmmm’s hair, we get the distinct feeling a secret is about to be revealed. Osher suddenly appears holding a small timber box.

“Do you know what’s inside?” he asks.

“The ashes of one of those old ladies from earlier?” we ask.

Bai nan.

Osher’s answer is even sadder. The box is filled with blank slips of paper and the boys will write down questions which will then be asked in an “intimate dining setting”.

Ooooh! An intimate dining setting! We’ve never had an intimate dining setting on this show before. We can’t wait to see the intimate dining setting! We hope no drama unfolds in the intimate dining setting. Intimate dining settings are not the place for drama.

Carlin cops the first question: “Have you had any physical modifications?” He’s stunned. We knew his cartoon prince looks weren’t natural!

“After I got my separation and everything,” he begins, fighting back tears. “ … My confidence was at an all time low. And I got my lips done.”

Gee bloody whiz. Carlin is to The Bachelorette what Tracey Jewel was to MAFS!

’Blime-fibe-eb!’

His fake lips aren’t nearly as ridiculous as we would like from a reality TV contestant, but we appreciate the admission nonetheless. Can anyone’s revelation top Carlin’s lip filler?

“Was this the first season of The Bachelorette you applied for?” comes the next question, which is a totally boring question and as all the boys shrug and say “nah”, Ryan looks down and shifts in his seat.

“I look down the end of the table and Ryan’s really tight lipped,” Timmmm observes, as opposed to Carlin, who’s just really pouty-lipped.

Everyone stares at Ryan until he cracks.

“What a question,” he stutters. “I guess I’ll explain that to Angie because … I don’t think you’re aware that I went through the audition for Ali’s season. Annnnd, I never heard back.”

Oh my. Remember Ali? The girl … from the stairs. That will only make sense to some of you. To those who understand, well done on your rapid recall of such a terrific piece of modern Australian pop culture trivia. To those who have know idea what the hell a flight of stairs has anything to do with this, please keep up.

Angie’s positively miffed. She wouldn’t care if it were any of the other boys. But on their very first date, Ryan basically said he had never applied for this show.

“I’m here for you and you only,” he says in the flashback footage of his first date with Angie. “I wouldn’t have signed up had it been anyone else.”

Angie feels like an fool. She believed the gushy lines from some random guy with a dog Instagram account who slid into her DMs.

“What if he slides into Ali’s DMs too!” she screams.

“Oh Angie,” we sigh, pushing the hair out of her eyes. “He probably does.”

Ryan refuses to admit he has done anything wrong. Instead of rushing to explain himself, he plays it cool and pretends like nothing’s wrong.

“You know what, I kinda feel like if it’s meant to be, it will be. And I’m just gonna leave it to the universe,” he says. But this isn’t enough. Only hours ago, Angie was bonding with this man about the importance of truth, honesty and shower peeing.

“He said his biggest (deal breaker) is lying and I feel like he’s just lied to me,” she says.

Meanwhile, Timmmm’s decided he’s now winning in his weird imaginary battle with Ryan.

“He looks like he’s been lying this whole time!” he stutters.

“You’ve got gum in your hair,” we sigh.

Angie is so mad she pledges to talk to Ryan and make him explain this blatant lie. But before she can get to him, producers start the rose ceremony just so she has to keep Ryan in and have her dramatic confrontation next week. Being lied to is concerning, but extending viewership numbers into finale week is more important than Angie’s personal life.

Obviously she calls Ryan’s name first and then Timmmm and Jackson and that guy with the Kylie Jenner lips.

Which means we say goodbye to … well, we can’t remember their names which is mainly why they’re out. Maybe they should’ve shown more dedication to this esteemed competition by lying or getting lip fillers.

Who dis?