James Weir recaps The Bachelorette 2019 episode 3

Angie has been stood-up by a guy on The Bachelorette and blindsided by a stunning ultimatum. It doesn’t end well. James Weir recaps.

Angie is stood up by a complete stranger and blindsided when he slaps her with an ultimatum on Wednesday night, as carnage is inflicted on The Bachelorette mansion by a rule-breaker.

It’s a brave move to ghost Angie in the first place. But tonight, the guy is really asking for trouble. Angie gets a new hairstyle for the cocktail party and she’s not accepting anyone’s rubbish.

A new cut will do this — it rejuvenates the spirit and skyrockets your attitude. If anyone dares get in your way in the moments after leaving the salon, they’re flirting with death. Tonight’s victim of Angie’s new haircut attitude is some guy who hurls a clumsy demand her way. The last victim of my own new haircut attitude was some lady behind the counter at a Guzman y Gomez. Both incidents ended in expulsions.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: The Bachelorette episode 1

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: The Bachelorette episode 2

It has been one week since Angie embarked on this important journey and it’s our duty to quietly check in on her to make sure she’s doing OK. She seems great!

Pop a Berocca and get back out there!

We shove her onto a date with … a guy. We don’t remember his name and it’s honestly not important. It’s the one that brought her a meat pie and he’s got a smile so huge we’re worried he might eat her.

They have the perfect first date and their conversation is electric. It’s everything you want it to be — intelligent, easy and just a little bit sexy.

“You can’t polish a turd,” Angie shrugs, referring to herself.

“Yeah, a turd rolled in glitter,” the guy sighs.

If one of them brought up the Roxy Jacenko poo jogger and they sat there in the woods watching the looped CCTV video of that chick taking a dump on Roxy’s driveway, this date just would’ve been too hot to handle.

The following day, everyone rocks up to a random park but confusion quickly erupts.

“Where’s Mitch?” Angie asks.

“Yeah, where is Mitch?” Osher quizzes

“Hmmm, yeah, Mitch! Where’s Mitch? Mitch?!” the boys look around.

We honestly have no idea who Mitch is. That name has not been mentioned once on this show before now. If we were required by law to provide a vague description of what Mitch looks like to a forensic police sketch artist, we would end up in jail because we cannot recall ever meeting this man. We have never seen a Mitch.

Angie is humiliated at being publicly stood-up and ghosted and pledges to find him at the cocktail party later tonight and get to the bottom of his absence. Find him, don’t find him — we don’t care, we have no idea who he is.

Anyway, some guy is out walking his dogs and Osher ropes him into the competition to replace “Mitch”. Turns out, this isn’t just a random guy — he’s a massive stalker and started sliding into Angie’s DMs on the ’gram ages ago. His handle is @aussiedogguy. She loves dogs and he loves dogs — and they’re both the kind of people who kiss their dogs on the mouth which is a really adorable way to contract worms.

So @aussiedogguy is allowed into the competition. Do we have to call him by his Insta handle? His real name is Ryan but, these days, lots of people prefer going by their social media monikers — like the most recent guy who messaged me on a dating app. The official name listed on his profile was Toilet Mouth. I know, I know — don’t worry, you’re all invited to the wedding. OK, that’s a lie. There is no wedding because Toilet Mouth blocked me. I don’t know what I did that was more offensive than literally anything Toilet Mouth has ever experienced — and I assume he has experienced a lot — but apparently I was the inappropriate one and he blocked me. Ouch. Way to let a gal down, Toilet Mouth.

Anyway, Angie somehow ends up on a date with that guy who sounds like he’s from Geordie Shore and looks like he’s the 2IC of General Pants Bondi Junction.

He reveals he used to dance nude in gay bars and we shrug and go back to scrolling through The Iconic. But then he reveals he had a nose job and we immediately look up to analyse the surgical alteration. What did his old nose look like? Maybe it was a Barbra Streisand situation. I’ve taken the liberty of commissioning an artist’s impression of what he would’ve looked like with his original nose.

Ya welcome.

As the sun sets and we steal all the lounges on the mansion’s patio, tension mounts. Rules are being put in place and pacts are being made. Boys love rules and pacts and clubs — all for one and one for all. We prefer a lone wolf approach — we’ll happily be friends with you until you get in the way of something we want and then we’ll push you down and walk all over you.

Timmmmmm establishes the ground rules for the evening — no one will approach Angie, she will choose who she wants to talk to.

That crybaby Jamie is livid. He’s huffing and puffing and Angie keeps looking over to see what the problem is. He’s pacing around the backyard and suddenly swoops in to grab her. Rule-breaker!

“What a dog! I can’t believe he’s broken the truce,” Timmm says in his toddler voice.

“He’s causing absolute carnage!” one of the backpackers with an accent says and, look, it’s a very dramatic call but we’ll accept it.

Everyone starts laughing at Jamie for being a crybaby and this makes him cry again.

“If blokes like this smug bastard here …” he points to one of the guys but the boys deem this too bold. They step back and gasp at the name-calling.

“Whooa! Whoaaa!” they shake their heads. It spirals into a soundtrack of censorship bleeps.

“If you thought living here for the last two weeks was hard, you just put everyone off side. Seriously, any credibility you had has just gone out the window,” some guy with Specsaver glasses threatens Jamie. As a sidenote, half the guys tonight have acquired glasses. Was their a group date at an optometrist that we missed?

“I’m probably the most hated man here tonight but I don’t even care,” Jamie sobs.

“Probably,” we sing as we skip back to our lounges on the patio.

Angie makes it her mission to find that stranger “Mitch”. Finally! A face to the name. He’s more unfamiliar than we first thought.

Sorry, you said your name was … Mateo? Melody?

He tells Angie he rolled his ankle and that’s why he stood her up. Angie’s like, “You still could’ve come”. And we’re like, “Do we need to be here for this?”

After ghosting Angie, “Mitch” then complains about not getting any time with Angie.

“I have been thinking about how little time we’ve had together in the two weeks and I’ve sort of been trying to imagine how much time we’re actually gonna get,” he sighs.

Angie’s fed up. She got stood up by some loser who we don’t even remember. And so to make herself feel better, she went out and got a fresh new haircut, which has filled her with the kind of attitude and sass that can only come from having a new hairstyle. The fact this new style just happens to include bangs has kicked her attitude into overdrive.

Me at the Guzman y Gomez counter.

The random guy who we just met then kicks it up a notch by doing something that catches even us off guard. He gives Angie an ultimatum.

“All I’m gonna say is, if you can’t see me being there at the end of this. I don’t want you to give me a rose tonight,” he mumbles.

If this ultimatum came from that hot guy Carlin, it’d be a different story. But from some nobody — what’s his name again? Matt? Mackenzie? — who we only met tonight? He’s not eligible to go throwing around ultimatums.

Angie’s so shocked by Mort’s audacity her rage almost bubbles into laugher.

“You don’t want me to? I don’t know you enough. So that’s a lot of pressure,” she says slowly. “You’re giving me an ultimatum but you haven’t given me the time to get to know you either. And I can’t have that. I’ve been single for a long time and I’m happy with who I am and I need someone who really wants to be here for me.”

She runs into the garden to vent her frustrations instead of spewing them out into Moe’s face. “Why the hell are you here?” she screams into the night sky.

We blow our dog whistle and everyone files into the mansion for the rose ceremony.

Two clowns leave the circus tonight. The first is that guy who doesn’t look like Zac Efron. And the other one is … that guy who we just met tonight. Wait, what’s his name? Mike? Merv? Madelyn?

Doesn’t matter.

For more observations on new haircut attitude and the upcoming nuptials of Mr and Mrs Toilet Mouth, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir