James Weir recaps The Bachelorette 2019 episode 12: the finale

Angie has dumped Bach’s fan favourite in a devastating moment, with the gutted man delivering the classiest response. James Weir recaps.

Australia’s fumbling, scraggly-haired sweetheart has been dumped and destroyed in a state forest on The Bachelorette finale, with Angie Kent choosing a man who lied about his career aspirations as a wannabe actor trying to score a gig playing a River Boy in Summer Bay’s most notorious gang.

Nothing about that sentence makes sense — in either our head or heart. It never will. Timmmm deserves eternal love. Time-stopping, heart-stopping love! He deserves more love than he has unnecessary letters in his name.

This ultimate decision is outrageous. Heartbreaking! Inhumane, is what it is. It’s like someone choosing to break up with a koala.

And his reaction to Angie’s choice is of such legendary calibre and class that it compels all of Australia to raise its hashtags and hurl its sunflower emojis into Twitter feeds to honour him #PutYourSunflowersOutForTimm.

Does this mean we hate Carlin now? No. Mainly because we don’t care enough about this to hate Carlin.

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After all that melodramatic business Angela pulled last night, we’ve pulled her in and issued a stern warning: you WILL be dumping one of these bozos tonight and you WILL NOT be running out on your own show.

Jesus. Last night when she became a national runaway we were left to entertain everyone in that mansion and we’re not interested in doing it again.

It’s the end of the year and Network 10 is really clamping down on superfluous spending. They still need to pay for an entire season of I’m A Celeb next year, so corners need to be cut. They started with axing those three MasterChef dads and Osher has been released from his duties tonight to save on a pay cheque. Bosses also cancel the international trip that would usually be undertaken in tonight’s finale. So where do we go? Producers are told they can book anywhere in New South Wales that’s accessible by Jetstar or a Tarago.

Australia, welcome to Byron Bay!

“It’s so surreal to be in Byron Bay!” Angie gushes.

Is it? Is it REALLY?

Geez, we’ve flown to Ballina and endured a 40 minute trip in the hire Tarago just to get here. We better see a bloody Hemsworth. Or at the very least, I want to have the opportunity to go shopping at that Westfield they live in. Have you heard about the latest addition to their empire? They’ve installed a skate ramp. I also heard that instead of a kitchen they just have a David Jones Food Hall.

Anyway, Angie’s dad can’t believe he has been tricked into appearing on camera again. We twist his arm and he signs the waiver with one condition.

“I’m fine as long as I don’t see a man-bun bobbing down the track,” he mutters.

Eep.

“We promise you will absolutely not see a man-bun,” we smile.

We push Timmm out into the garden and Angie’s dad is less than impressed. He shoots us a glare.

“That’s not a man-bun – that’s a demure low-pony,” we inform him. Checkmate.

Chic and understated.

“I’m pinchin’ myself being in Byron Bay!” Timmmm gasps.

Oh boy. It’s just Byron Bay, people! Everyone from anti-vaxxers and schoolies to annoyingly rich Sydney mums are in Byron Bay. It’s not that exotic. You should feel ripped off they didn’t send you to Bali like they do for every other finale!

By the end of this meeting, Angie’s dad is plaiting Timmmmm’s luscious hair and everyone’s cool. We call time and push Carlin in for the family to say g’day.

“I can’t believe I’m in BYRON BAY,” he beams.

Mmhmmm. Mhhhmmm. Wow. Wait, what’s this place called? Bairon Bae? Bÿrœn Bæy? Geez, sounds fancy. It’s probably in Asia.

While we pull out Google Maps to see if we can locate the weird new fantasy land that these clowns have just discovered, we’re distracted when Angie’s hot brother makes an observation that just doesn’t make sense.

“Carlin’s a funny guy! He does crack a joke!” he assures us.

Clearly there’s a mistake.

“Um, sorry. Carlin?” we spit out our focaccia in shock. The hot brother nods.

“Just to be clear, you’re talking about that snooze?” we point to Carlin.

“Yeah he’s hilarious,” the hot brother repeats.

Byron Bay is a weird place. Apparently it’s in Asia and Carlin is funny here. Spooky.

The following day, it’s time for the final dates and it’s a complete waste of our time. Angie goes kayaking with Carlin and then she gets up at the crack of dawn to hot air balloon with Timmmm while the sun rises. Unacceptable. This was a chance to really show off one of Australia’s finest assets and showcase it to the world. They don’t even hit the tourist hot spots!

Why don’t they go to that bougie boutique where Geoff Huegill’s wife was accused of stealing those leather pants before the charge was dropped? Why aren’t they walking down the main street and playing everyone’s favourite game: backpacker or Elsa Pataky? They don’t even attempt to ding-dong-ditch The Hemsworths. It’s such a wasted opportunity. But it has inspired me to launch my own online tourist operations business where I take strangers’ money and just send bus-loads of them to the Hemsworths’.

Because Osher has been fired for this final episode, everyone is forced to fend for themselves and find their own way to the big ceremony. Angie literally gets lost in the woods.

LITERALLY. LOST.

One by one, after hours of searching, the boys locate her in a clearing that has an unusal amount of Glade candles placed on various logs and stones. I don’t know, Glade candles are probably native to the area. Anyway, Timmmmm is the first to stumble into the clearing.

“You were such a surprise,” she begins. “You’re the person who makes me laugh all the time and I feel like you’re my soulmate. I do. I love so much about you. I love everything that we’ve had and a piece of me is, like, I can’t picture my life without you.”

Uh oh. We feel a twist coming.

“But I think a part of me …”

There it is!

Angie breaks down and falls into Timmmm’s chest. She doesn’t need to say the words. But we will. Timmm has been fired. Cancelled? Dumped. Timmm has been dumped. And Australia is in mourning.

Australia’s reaction to this koala bear being dumped.

Of course Timmm is a complete legend and his reaction just breaks everyone’s heart even more. He holds her close and tells her not to cry. They stand still, in the middle of this muddy creek.

“I’ve cherished every moment with you. I love Carlin,” he tells her. “If I could pick anyone to put you with it’s him … don’t be sad.”

He then pulls out the sponsorship ring that only the winner is supposed to give Angie.

“I got you this…,” he says, putting it on her finger. If we were cynical and mean spirited, we’d point out that, technically, he didn’t get her the ring. The Network 10 sales department negotiated the ring to be supplied by the sponsor. But, in this moment of heartbreak, we allow cold hard facts to slide.

Timmmm walks away and disappears into a sea of flora and fauna. We run after him – mainly to watch and giggle when he walks into one of the booby traps we set earlier.

Doubled over and gripping his face, we see a man we haven't seen on this series. He’s grounded, serious and more articulate than he’s ever been.

“F**k. F**k. That sucks, I can’t even understand it. She was my soulmate. But I knew … I was just waiting for the ‘but’. I could see it in her eyes. I knew straight away when I looked at her. That’s why I had my walls up – for that exact reason. That’s why I didn’t want to go all in – this exact feeling right now is why I didn’t want to go all in. I’m never talking about my feelings ever again.”

He’s gutted. Destroyed. By the time we decide we should maybe warn him about the booby traps, he has disappeared into the state forest – never to be seen again. Oh well. We’ll tell police to follow the screams.

He’s mere steps away from a hole we dug and covered with leaves.

We skip back to the clearing and Carlin has arrived, dressed in cropped suit pants and velvet slippers.

“Hi Carlin! We like your ankles,” we beam. “Say, can you tell us a joke?”

Angie glares at us so we back away to set more traps in the woods. They’ll pay later.

“You’re usually not my type of guy. You’re very put together and I’m not put together – I’m not perfect. I’m a f**king mess. I’m a bit of a grub,” she warns. “There’s no doubt in my mind that I feel like you’re the perfect guy for me and I’m completely falling in love with you.”

But Carlin doesn’t care that she’s a grub. He will love her through uncleanliness and health.

“I’m falling in love with you too,” he gushes before handing over his own sponsorship ring. “I love you.”

Sure, he’s hot and doesn’t yell at stray dogs, but can you plait his hair?

“Ahhh, cute,” we beam while hiding our shovel behind a tree.

“I haven’t had a boyfriend since I was 22!” Angie laughs.

“I haven’t had a boyfriend … ever!” Carlin stumbles.

“Shut up Carlin, we still don’t think you’re funny,” we sigh.

Ugh, this is going to be a tedious and awkward 40-minute bus ride back to Ballina airport.

For more observations on Asia’s holiday capital Bÿrœn Bæäy and Chris Hemsworth’s Westfield, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir

The Tarago’s leaving in 5, losers.