James Weir recaps The Bachelorette 2018 episode 5

SCORNED and embarrassed, a Bachelorette contestant has sledged Ali for her “big mistake” in a bitter rant in the back of a car.

AFTER having his dreams of being a dancer on Step Up scoffed at, one Bachelorette contestant has gone rogue in the back of an Uber and sledged Ali for her “big mistake” in a bitter rant, all while vogueing angrily.

It was vicious. A lot of people think dancers are bubbly and friendly, but they’re the biggest b*tches around. They’ve watched a lot of ’90s high school dance movies so they’re more than prepared to throw a really dated insult at you with a second’s notice.

These recaps always uphold the journalistic practice of not burying the lead and ensure the most important and interesting moments in each episode are addressed up top. So, here are two avocados in a blender.

Ali should date these two avocados.

In a week, not much has changed. Charlie is still a hysterical clinger who takes this show way too seriously. And we’re still being introduced to guys we’ve never seen before.

Who are you?

It feels like we’ve been getting tortured by this series for a lifetime. And in a bid to make it end sooner, Osher rolls up and declares there will be a double date where only one man will return to the mansion. The men involved? Two guys Ali is doubting: Ivan and Bill.

A single tear rolls down Ivan’s cheek which, coincidentally, matches the single tear rolling down our cheek as we realise tonight is going to be really drawn out.

’BUT I DID A DANCE FROM AN ASHANTI VIDEO CLIP!’

Ali’s in a bind. On one hand, she thinks Bill’s a liar and a fake who is playing the game by telling her what she wants to hear. But on the other, Ivan has admitted his one life goal is to be in a Step Up movie.

She wants a real man, not Jessica Alba in Honey.

Personally, I don’t know why she’s being such a snob about the whole dancing thing. Mel B, Britney Spears and JLo have all dated dancers and, while those relationships didn’t work out, I’m sure they left the romance with an arsenal of terrific dance moves. And sometimes that’s all you want from a relationship.

If Ali plays her cards right, she could spend a solid nine months following Ivan around regional Australia as he travels as a backup dancer with the big top tent tour of Cats.

Many people would kill for that life.

When it’s time to assess Bill, Ali sits back and ponders the big questions like: does Bill use several different kinds of hair gel in the morning? Or does he just never wash his hair so the product builds up an incredibly brittle-looking force?

I think he does both these things.

But Ali’s a smart girl. And when it comes down to deciding if she should get rid of the liar or the dancer, she tells Julia Stiles to get back to the nightclub.

“My heart tells me I can’t see a future with you,” she tells Ivan.

He’s been dumped. All because he wants to dance. It’s just like that Billy Elliot movie where that kid gets chased out of town with pitchforks and fire because he wants to tap dance. OK, I’ve never seen Billy Elliot but I think that’s the gist of it.

Ivan’s disappointed. Making the moment even more heartbreaking, he’s worn his tap shoes today and, on the slow walk out to the Uber after being rejected, they click and clack against the tiled floor of the restaurant. Our hearts break more with each tap.

“You’ve got so much love to give. And I want you dance over the world,” Ali tells him.

“I wanted to dance for you,” he says, unable to make eye contact. It’s the saddest thing we’ve heard.

Suddenly, he storms out and slides into the waiting Uber. As the car pulls away, he goes rogue and gives us the first backseat rejection rant of the series.

“I think Ali’s made a massive mistake,” he spits, while vogueing angrily. “She’s gonna learn. I’m not running back if she goes through all the boys and then thinks she’s gonna come back. Pffft. No f***in’ way.”

Ivan grabs the aux cable for the stereo and plugs in his iPhone. That Drake song In My Feelings begins to play. After asking the driver to slow down, he opens the door and jumps out to perform the Keke challenge.

He really gets into it. Maybe he could be on Step Up. But as he performs the dance alongside the moving vehicle, he gets cocky and doesn’t realise the car has stopped for a red light. His body whacks into the door and smacks down on the bitumen. In one night, his dreams of love and an international dance career are shattered.

For more observations on tap shoes and avocados in blenders, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir

Maybe you should’ve done the Lindsay in Mykonos dance.