James Weir recaps The Bachelor Australia 2021 episode 8

A dumped contestant on The Bachelor has let rip in a bitter rant and aired her uncensored thoughts. James Weir recaps.

If you’ve never delivered a bitter rambling monologue in the back seat of a Toyota Camry after being dumped on national television, then … well done.

The bitter back seat monologue is a reality TV rite of passage. Particularly on The Bachelor. Abbie Chatfield still holds the crown for her rant after being dumped by that scientist in the 2019 finale. But on Thursday night, a self-described “tall, horny bogan” almost nudges her out of first place.

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In a bid to wrap up this series as quick as possible, we’re treated to a movie-length episode. This show does not warrant a movie-length episode. Even movies these days don’t deserve to be movie-length.

Don’t worry. Only about three minutes of the two-hour snoozefest is featured in this recap. At this point, barely any of you are actually watching the series which means I can just say anything and you won’t know if I’m lying. Joking, I totally wouldn’t do that.

Anyway, check out the new intruders!

Love the new ladies!

We then have to witness a pasta-making date. It makes us dream of a simpler time, just weeks ago, when all we had to do was watch these bozos get force-fed sponsorship microwave meals.

Bring back the terrible integrated YouFoodz advertorials!

Because it’s the only decent meal Laura has had in a month, her blood sugar skyrockets and she starts babbling to Jimmy about all her insecurities and troubles. He gives her a rose. Silence. Staring.

“I don’t know how this works … I’m just gonna go for it,” Laura lunges in for a kiss.

That’s not how it works.

Jimmy pulls away. Laura doesn’t know how to respond. She fixes her gaze on their plates and notices Jimmy has left one lone gnocchi. Would it be too sad if she just plucked it up and ate it while holding back tears? I would. And I have.

“No, I mean … like, I really want to kiss you,” Jimmy stutters and tries to think of an end to that sentence. “... But now we are getting to the pointy end of the experience, there are a lot of emotions involved. And I want to make sure that we’re both feeling ready … so …” He trails off and hugs her awkwardly.

“Hang on ... I’m just ... confused,” Laura tries to make sense of the nonsense she has just been told. “I am mortified.” She sips her wine. We fade to black.

Moments later, she’s being shuffled into a dark and dusty old terrace by a producer. The tears are streaming.

“It’s just a bit embarrassing. I look like a d*ckhead, I’m not stupid,” she sobs. “He’s obviously not interested, I don’t understand why I’m still here. I just feel really embarrassed.”

It’s heartbreaking. At least I think it is. I’m a little distracted because, while this circus plays out on the TV, I’m also watching The White Lotus on Binge on my MacBook. Totally recommend.

Cute pic of me watching The White Lotus.

OK, Sierah’s bitter back seat monologue is coming up. But, right now, we should just quickly tick off some things that were supposed to be big moments tonight and instead fizzled. Like the meek little girl, whose name we don’t know, halting the rose ceremony and eliminating herself. Let’s call her Dawn.

Devastated to see you go, Dawn!

And Steph continues to mutter maniacal things while sipping various beverages.

New LinkedIn profile pic.

Now, for the moment you’ve all been waiting for. If you’re unfamiliar with Sierah, allow us to explain. She is a star. A diamond in the rough. She moves through the world, generously opening up her heart and mind to everyone who crosses her path. We knew this from the very first night we met her.

“I was busting for a fart the entire time,” she confessed after meeting Jimmy. “Honestly, I was so full of gas I’m surprised I didn’t start levitating. But, yeah, I think I did well.”

You did great, sweetie.

She’s a Dunkaroos-munching reality TV villain who worked overtime, night after night, to deliver zings, insults and red-hot commentary for Australia’s viewing pleasure.

“She sucked, honestly,” she declared when a shy little blonde girl who’d literally never uttered a word was cut from the competition.

Sierah knows who she is in her soul and never wavers. When asked to dress up like her spirit animal, she kept it real.

“So I was going to say my spirit animal is a koala because I like sleeping and I’ve definitely had chlamydia but I thought that’d be quite hard to explain to Jimmy so I’ve stuck with a phoenix because I’ve risen from the ashes,” she shared.

Same, Sierah. Same.

But tonight, at one of the two rose ceremonies we’re all forced to suffer through, Sierah realises a little too late that this is one fire she might not rise from. The roses are dwindling on the silver platter and she still hasn’t received one. Three girls left. Then two. She’s standing next to Holly. We all know how it’s going to end and so does she.

When producers roll in Osher and plug him into the wall, he whispers what none of us want to hear. "Sierah, you didn’t receive a rose. Please take a moment to say goodbye.”

Thanks but no thanks, Osher. Sierah raises an eyebrow and struts up to Jimmy, barely pausing to receive the kiss he tries planting on her cheek before striding away without a word.

The Uber is waiting in the driveway with the motor running. She slides onto the back seat and slams the door shut.

Then, she gives us what we want.

“I had an inkling Jimmy wasn’t into tall, horny bogans,” she states. “Any guy would be lucky to have me. If Jimmy couldn’t see that, that’s a ‘him’ problem. Like, it’s just bullsh*t. Bullsh*t, bullsh*t, bullsh*t. I’m not gonna beat myself up about that — someone who couldn’t handle a woman like me.”

And just like that — right before our eyes — she rises from the ashes and shows us all what tall, horny bogans are really made of.

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