James Weir recaps The Bachelor Australia 2021 episode 1 | Girl’s TMI fart confession

It’s one of the most embarrassing things you could endure on a first date. And this Bachelor contestant made no secret of it. James Weir recaps.

With all the uncertainty and chaos of living through a pandemic, it’s important to find solace in the few things we can rely on: like TMI fart confessions and offensive sweeping generalisations in Wednesday night’s premiere of The Bachelor.

Not even a global health crisis can stop these 23 dames from risking their lives and hearts, all in the name of potential #SponCon endorsement deals.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here

Rinse out the tacky red champagne flutes because things are about to get as classy as this rental limousine with a busted headlight.

Did we expect anything less?

It’s a new year and a new mansion. We assume the owners of the old estate finally got fed up with having all their nice towels and linens ruined by spray tan. But that’s OK — now it’s someone else’s problem. Obviously the producers would’ve had to fudge the rental application for this new joint and lie about who the tenants are. We can’t wait for the unsuspecting owners to flip on the TV and see all these ferals running around their ritzy house.

This house is just seconds away from being trashed.

So who is The Bachelor? This flight attendant:

Bring me five mini bottles of Jacob’s Creek and a Le Snak.

Jimmy is a 31-year-old pilot who has a keen interest in mechanics.

“It’s a real sense of accomplishment when something’s broken and you bring it back to life,” he says.

Speaking of things that are broken, let’s meet the contestants.

Belinda is a criminal lawyer from Queensland. She really sets the tone for the evening by quoting Walt Whitman.

“I think without love, life is just a series of eating and sh**ting everyday,” she says.

The very moment she meets Jimmy, she’s dazzled.

“I wanna lock him up and throw away the key,” she confesses while producers move swiftly around the mansion, removing all the doors from their hinges.

She seems nice and totally not intense at all.

You’ve got to have a healthy sense of confidence to sign up for this show. And Sierah has it in spades. Sierah has a lot of confidence as well as a lot of … something else.

“I was busting for a fart the entire time,” she confesses after meeting Jimmy. “Honestly, I was so full of gas I’m surprised I didn’t start levitating. But, yeah, I think I did well.”

Cute anecdote! You should re-tell it at your wedding.

The best part about the The Bachelor premiere is seeing how producers brand each girl. The twinkly music is for the girls who are wife material. The slinky bad girl music is for the contestants who will probably glass someone and set Osher’s car on fire. And the circus music is for … well … Exhibit A:

There’s always someone who gets tricked into wearing a costume.

Inside the mansion, all the girls are chatting away. They’re giddy on adrenaline and Yellowglen.

It’s like a weight’s been lifted and they breathe a sigh of relief after meeting Jimmy.

They’re thrilled that producers have selected a bachelor who has a real job. You never know with this show. One year you get a pilot. The next, you get a random guy who sells exercise on the internet.

These ladies have lucked out. Still, not everyone’s grateful. Some chick called Stephanie reckons pilots are the worst.

“Are you kidding? And his name’s Jimmy. Jimmy the pilot. He’s a pilot? Oh no. I’ve dated quite a few pilots,” she rants. “I dated a pilot for three years. I know what the lifestyle’s like. You take two handsome guys in a nice uniform, you put them in random cities, give them a lot of money. You put them in a nice hotel for a weekend. And it’s sort of a concoction that can lead anywhere, you know? Pilots are ****ed. I’m not saying all pilots are cheaters, (but)…”

And that right there is why we love this show. Stereotypes, offensive sweeping assumptions and broad generalisations. We look forward to seeing her offend more niche groups with knee-jerk reactions.

I know exactly how Stephanie feels. I dated a pilot once. After a few weeks, I found out he was using a fake name and bouncing phony cheques around the world. True story. Connie Britton’s playing me in the Netflix series.

This is the exact moment Stephanie realises she’s just slagged off all pilots on national TV and will have to catch buses everywhere from now on.

It’s not just Jimmy who has an impressive job. Producers have also worked tirelessly to assemble a group of girls with glamorous, high-flying careers. We’ve got two speech pathologists. A criminal lawyer. A corporate lawyer. A former Miss India.

Just once it’d be great if producers cast people with normal jobs. Like, “Here’s Elise! She’s a Coles self-serve checkout attendant”. Or, “Australia, meet Tegan! She organises the DVDs at JB Hi-Fi”.

Osher enters the backyard and we know what this means. He’s about to introduce a new made-up rule with a new made-up prize. In previous years, it’d usually be a weird-coloured rose and the woman who it’s awarded to gets to go on a special date with The Bachelor. But Osher’s keeping us on our toes.

He presents the group with a key. “If you receive this key, you will have exclusive access to the business lounge,” he teases.

The only way we’ll be even remotely interested in this game is if one of the other girls goes to the business lounge and chucks a tantrum like Jacqui Lambie did when she got rejected at the Qantas Club.

It’s also the key to Osher’s storage facility out near the airport that contains Australian Idol memorabilia.

When Jimmy finally wraps up the introductions, there’s barely any time left to have in-depth conversations with the girls before culling two. We don’t know the names of the ladies who are dumped. Let’s just call them Clarentine and Donna.

“Love to me is finding someone who you can be completely comfortable around,” Jimmy tells the remaining girls.

It’s a beautiful sentiment but it also glosses over the harsh realities of being in a relationship. More accurately, love is finding someone who isn’t offended when you lock yourself in the spare bedroom each evening to watch your programs and eat Magnums.

The two girls in the lead right now? The one with all the farts and the girl who hates pilots.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir