James Weir recaps The Bachelor Australia 2020 episode 3

A vicious fight has exploded in The Bachelor mansion after a threesome stunt went awry and a secret letter surfaced. James Weir recaps.

A spontaneous “threesome” goes awry at The Bachelor cocktail party on Wednesday night when a secret note is given to Locky and the typo-filled letter causes an explosive rift in the trio who “violated” him.

“She’s a fake-ass bitch and she has no idea what’s coming for her,” Areeba – the ringleader of the trio – spits about the girl who wronged her. I’ve written similar things on customer feedback forms about the waitstaff at my local cafè.

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We pick up where we left off last week. The girls on that boring photo shoot date are in tears about an intruder and they go back to the mansion to share the news with the losers who weren’t invited on the outing. They’re already upset about the new girl but then word comes there’s a rose ceremony tonight and they all freak out and cry hysterically again as if they’ve never watched this show before.

The only real takeaway is Laura always looks how I feel.

Girl, same.

In astrology terms, I’d say I’m an Areeba with a Laura rising. Why?

“I’m a b*tch,” Areeba declares, unprompted. “It’s sickening how f**ked I am.”

What? Areeba! You’re not a bitc-

“Whatever you do, don’t laugh because I think something’s stuck in the bottom of your teeth,” she snips to a girl at the cocktail party before laughing in her face.

Power Move: tell people they have food in their teeth even when they don’t.

All the girls are just nutso since the new chick came on the scene. They’re needy, emotional and insecure – so they all pounce on Locky the second he arrives and drag him away to engage in the same boring small talk.

Of course Areeba wants nothing to do with this.

“I’m going to show him the boss that I am,” she says. “Who gives a shit about his star sign.”

Like the true boss she is, Areeba has recruited two minions to push around – Kristina and Juliette. One of them hatches a plan.

“We had the intelligence to do a threesome chat,” Juliette informs us.

It’s genius. Instead of having individual chats with Locky, they’ll attack him as a trio. It’s honestly visionary.

As they drag him away to a corner of the patio, they prove to the other girls how superior their conversational skills really are.

“We’d like to know if you’d prefer a burrito, a kebab or a butter chicken?” one asks.

“Don’t date a bad b*tch if you can’t handle it,” another purrs, blatantly plagiarising my Tinder bio.

The other girls stand on the sidelines in shock as the threesome chat unfolds. Technically, it’s a foursome chat because there are three girls plus Locky, but they all insist on calling it a threesome chat. It makes us uncomfortable either way.

Laura’s typically optimistic.

“This is the worst threesome I’ve ever seen in my life,” she says as she sips from her tacky red champagne flute.

One of the girls starts to belly dance on top of Locky and it’s around now he looks directly into the camera and silently begs to be saved

You’re on your own, Locklan.

Laura pipes up again like a ray of positivity.

“Wouldn’t wanna be in that threesome, that’s horrendous,” she slurs. “If I were him, I would’ve felt violated.”

Just as the threesome chat winds up, Juliette pulls a Beyonce – ditching the trio and going solo to slyly slip Locky a secret handwritten note.

At first the other threesome girls have no idea and they strut away to toast their success.

“You girls are my rock. I love youse!” Areeba declares.

When the spontaneous threesome goes off without a hitch.

Meanwhile, Locky goes down into the shadows of the backyard to read the secret note.

“Dear Lockie, you have a huge majestic presence and a beautiful captivating energy that causes me to shake,” he reads aloud as we cringe. “Me in this cocktail dress is not the real me. I don’t wear makeup and I love the outdoors.”

Girl better be careful. As someone who has lied in the past to guys about loving the outdoors, I can guarantee you will eventually find yourself miles from home in a kayak at high noon.

The secret note is lame and the only real takeaway is she spelt Locky’s name wrong and he doesn’t acknowledge it. Perhaps because he’s polite? Or maybe he’s not even sure how to spell his own name. I’m firmly leaning towards one of these options.

Exhibit A.

The threesome girls are still marinating in the success of their revolutionary scheme when Locky pulls Juliette away. Areeba’s confused until Kristina mentions the secret note. A secret note? Areeba did not authorise the transfer of a secret note! She looks over to see Locky handing Juliette a rose and of course reacts appropriately.

“There’s no way Juliette is prettier than me!” she fumes. “I am pissed off. She never told us anything about the note she was going to give him. How dare she betray me. She was privileged to be hanging out with me and Kristina.”

Me causing a scene at every backyard BBQ.

She storms across the patio to confront Juliette. How dare that fake-ass b*tch break away from the trio to go solo like Beyonce! Even worse – how dare she make Areeba look like Michelle.

“I’m a good person in general but if you betray me, you’ll f**king wish you never did,” Areeba says before turning on Juliette. “I feel betrayed by our own. You used us, Juliette. And it makes me so sad. I feel used. I don’t wanna be your friend!”

How angry is she? This angry:

This act of betrayal is eyebrow raising, both figuratively and literally.

That new girl Kaitlyn has some keen observations.

“I would describe this cocktail party as an absolute circus,” she says.

Very perceptive, Kaitlyn.

Thanks for the contribution, Kaitlyn.

And just when the circus is about to end, that meek Bella girl snags Locky for the final chat even though she already has a rose.

“I feel bad pulling you away because I’m too much of a considerate person,” she tells him.

It’s a great trick for justifying bad behaviour – just do whatever you want and when people get annoyed, turn around and say: “I felt bad doing it because I’m too much of a considerate person”.

And then she kisses him – but only because she’s a really considerate person.

So much consideration!

Back on the patio, it’s chaos and everyone’s sobbing uncontrollably again.

Pull yourself together.

What we love about the girls on this show is they’ve got enormous perspective and don’t take the situation too seriously.

“This is the worst day ever!” Areeba spews.

And they’re all just here to find love. ... And revenge.

“It means the world to me to get that rose tonight – just so Juliette can see what Areeba is capable of when you betray Areeba,” Areeba clenches her fist while talking in third person yet again.

She needn’t worry. There are still far too many girls in here whose names and faces are completely unrecognisable. Like these three randoms, who are promptly eliminated:

Clarabella, Antoinette and … Braelynn?

Areeba gets a rose. She’s still in the running to find true love! But more importantly, she’s now in a position to deliver payback on some fake-ass b*tches.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir