James Weir recaps The Bachelor Australia 2020 episode 13

Well this was excruciating. The Bachelor’s Locky has been put on the spot with a wild request from someone’s mum. James Weir recaps.

This tired old series of The Bachelor is shaken up on Wednesday night when one “extreme feminist hippie” mum makes an X-rated demand of Locky and stops just short of handing him a specimen cup.

Producers use this penultimate episode as an opportunity to cram in some low-cost last dates and whirlwind family visits before tomorrow’s finale.

We meet at least two brothers who try their hardest to throw surly stares at Locky and threaten to raise hell if their sisters are ever hurt. Then there’s the dad who’s tricked by producers to act like a mob boss. Thank God for the extreme feminist hippie.

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It’s all about introductions tonight. The girls introduce Locky to their nearest and dearest. And Locky introduces the girls to his third nipple.

It said its name is Clementine.

Of course, nothing’s more of a turn on than being formally introduced to someone’s third nipple. It all ends with Locky, Issy and Clementine getting hot and heavy.

Is this how straight people have sex?

It’s around now Issy gives Locky a heads up about her mum.

“She’s an extreme feminist,” she warns, adding she’s also a bit of a hippie.

Oh boy. She sounds like a total riot.

Super easy going.

“This show doesn’t meet with my feminist ideals,” mum declares before opening the conversation to Locky. “How do you feel about feminism?”

“I don’t know … it’s a hard one,” he stutters. Wrong answer.

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The extreme feminist hippie has brought her witchy friend along who then starts hounding Locky about his thoughts on monogamy. Mum interjects with an urgent query.

“This might seem a little out there but, you know...” she begins, as Locky prepares for a question about his stance on vaccinations or gender reveal parties. “ … I’ve always said to Isabella … if she doesn’t really find a man and she wants to have a baby, is there any chance, as a consolation prize, (you could supply) just a bit of sperm?”

Locky is stunned. He tries to loop the conversation back around to feminism and monogamy but gives in.

“Ahhh, I’ll freeze it for ya,” he surrenders.

We’ll fetch the ice cube tray from the mansion’s fridge xx

Out in the middle of a random rainforest, Irena is still doing her best to maintain the lie that she’s an outdoorsy person.

Guys, come on, this forest is a protected landmark.

Her family can only meet Locky over Zoom, but that doesn’t stop her brother from issuing clunky threats – spoonfed to him by producers. Locky just laughs because it’s impossible to be scared of someone who’s wearing ironed chinos.

Nice try, though.

Next! We head over to Bec’s family and we’re honestly surprised. We’ve had zero interest in Bec since she came on the scene two weeks ago. But then we meet her mum Jodie. The woman is a star.

“I’ve stalked you,” she tells Locky, stealing the opening line I use on all first dates. “I know what you’re about. And I like what I see.”

The Bachelorette 2020.

Over at Bella’s joint, they get all Lady and the Tramp with a strand of linguine and we vomit in a pasta bowl.

Stop it.

Her dad has been instructed by producers to be as scary as possible and he does his best.

“I’ve done my research on Locky. I’m in IT,” he states.

Whoa. Watch out guys. He knows how to use Google.

You should train spies.

Then he starts throwing out threats over dinner that don’t even make sense.

“Sometimes you don’t need to fix it – you just need to listen,” he grunts, even though no one said anything about fixing something.

“I can be a bit of a human lie detector,” he adds and, yes Bella’s dad – we can use Google too.

He pulls Locky away. “I was an avid Survivor fan. I know a lot about you. I was a fan. Now I’m not.”

And that’s that. Maybe Locky should’ve worn his Survivor loincloth to dinner. Bella’s dad goes back to Googling things and the kids walk out to the driveway.

She cries and declares her love and Locky just stares at her because he’s not allowed to say those words until the finale.

We know exactly how the rose ceremony is going to roll but we’re still forced to endure it.

Bella and Irena receive the two roses. And Bec and Issy are told to hit the bricks. They leave empty-handed. No rose. No boyfriend. And not even a yellow-capped specimen cup.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir