James Weir recaps The Bachelor 2019 episode 2

There was chaos in the middle of The Bachelor mansion, just moments before a surprise mass cull.

Gross chaos has erupted in The Bachelor mansion with the ladies being affronted by even newer ladies and then that clinger experienced a humiliating meltdown just moments before a surprise mass cull.

From that first sentence, it sounds like a lot has been packed into tonight. But at its core, this episode is really just about honouring that fun trick we all use when complaining about our best friend behind their back to another friend. You know, the trick where you go to say something mean about them but you start to feel guilty so you preface it with the phrase, “I don’t wanna sound like a bitch, but …” and it means you can say anything you like?

I mastered this trick in preschool.

‘NOT HOT’: James Weir recaps The Bachelor episode 1

Sogand scores the big first date of the series and it’s as interesting as a helicopter ride over Wollongong on a rainy day.

tbh it’s pretty cyclonic lol nice knowing youse!

This is the date from hell. Matt drags her out at the crack of dawn for a boring helicopter ride through a cyclone and then they wait around until the middle of the night to watch some old people play instruments in the woods.

Yes I’m talking about you — how many cellos do you need?

“I can see me and Matt together. It has been a while since I felt like this,” Sogand purrs. Obviously she’s suffering PTSD from her near-death experience flying through a cyclone and she also hasn’t eaten in 14 hours — all this explains why she’s saying such ridiculous things about a guy she’s literally spent a few hours with.

But then they kiss and he gives her a rose and, in her hangry and traumatised state, she starts believing this is more than it really is.

Just like that, she becomes obsessed. And she can’t wait to get back to the mansion to rub it in everyone’s grimy faces.

“We kissed. Multiple times. There was a lot of touching,” she details to the group.

That clinger Emma almost explodes.

“Sogand really does need to shut up at this stage. This is horrible. Like, there’s no escaping it. I’m gutted,” she stammers.

You present a compelling case, Emma.

That dame Sogand knows exactly what she’s doing and she relishes the opportunity to delicately taunt everyone.

Suck it.

It’s around now we turn to producers and tell them, even though we’re only one episode in, things don’t seem very compelling. We demand they do a deep scroll on Instagram and find several other girls we can lock in the mansion. A hummer promptly arrives 35 minutes later.

A hummer of Bachelor contestants also happens to be the correct collective noun.

As expected, our new options are demure and understated:

Woo boy.

We understand the addition of a few new girls might be a surprise to the existing contestants but their reactions are completely sensible. They take it as a violent affront and decide the only option is to wage a war.

“I’m f**kin’ mad!” one chick yells.

“There’s a huge ‘us and them’ mentality,” another tearfully shares.

To be honest, it’s really disappointing to see. In 2019 we’re supposed to be living in a world where women support women and these new girls seem really delightfu-

“Bonjour, bitches! Mamma’s home!” one of the new girls screeches down the path to the backyard.

Me leaving the office after being told by HR to never return.

“I think our friend over there is a bit too desperate showing her ass like that,” Mary spits to the group about the random cheerleader — just because she’s sexy and cute and popular to boot!

At first, Sogand isn’t worried because she has dubbed herself “Matt’s favourite Persian princess” but that quickly changes when Danush struts in.

Totally rational.

Nichole is pissed because she reckons one of the new girls is her doppelganger and … sure.

Uh huh totally.

It all becomes too much for the clinger. Now there are so many girls to contend with, there’s barely any time for her to cling. But that’s the thing about clingers — not being noticed only fuels them. They cling more.

So she does what any clinger would do: she pulls aside a random girl and launches an embarrassing tirade about her desire to cling.

“I don’t want to sound like a bitch … I don’t want to sound like a bitch … like, I really don’t want to sound like a bitch, but …” she prefaces the conversation and I begin all my sentences with this exact same phrase when talking to my boss about my colleagues before inevitably going on to sound like a bitch.

“I’m seeing a lot of people cut each other off and I don’t like it. They’ve taken pretty much all the time away from me. I’m absolutely pissed off. I was here first! They need to respect my connection with Matt! They need to back off so I get the happy ending I deserve!”

Ah, spoken like a true clinger.

She also makes another fun facial expression that really captures her emotional journey.

I gotchu girl xx

That clinger gets so into her intense rant that the only way for us to escape is to reach for the nearest light switch and start flicking it on and off to signal the beginning of tonight’s rose ceremony.

It’s a mass exodus. We introduced all those new chicks which means we’ve got to do a mass cull to ensure this show doesn’t blow on for longer than it should.

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All the new girls receive a rose and that cheerleader gets so excited she highkicks that clinger in the face and then cartwheels away.

We say see ya to six ladies but it’s still too early for us to remember their names or recognise their faces and as if I’m going to log onto the official website to attain such frivolous details.

Needless to say, the original girls are spewing those new ladies are still stinking up their mansion.

I don’t want to sound like a bitch, but I can’t wait for this series to be over.

For more observations on cartwheels and not sounding like a bitch, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir