James Weir recaps The Bachelor 2019 episode 1

Australia watched a massive gamble play out with the new man picked to be The Bachelor. And he was met with a slap to the face.

The Bachelor’s latest recruit has instantly regretted throwing away a stable life and impressive career following tonight’s premiere of the new series which saw him ambushed and insulted by a blur of hair extensions and Instagram dresses.

So, who are we dealing with this year? Welp, Australia, please welcome Hot Sheldon. He’s an astrophysicist and his name is Matt.

“As a kid I remember looking up at the stars, and now I’ve turned that passion into a profession,” he shares with us. As a kid I remember eating M&Ms and thinking about how much everyone annoys me, and I too have turned that passion into a profession.

And with that, the limos begin lining up around the block and everyone rolls into the old rat nest they’ll be calling home for the next eight weeks.

It has been six months since the boys on The Bachelorette left it in ruins, so we kick open the windows, spray some Glen 20 and yell at Osher to rinse out those tacky red champagne glasses.

All the girls are left confused by Matt’s job. Half of them think he’s the lady who writes the horoscopes for New Idea and the rest are kind of disappointed they’re not getting a hot idiot.

“I can’t believe he’s smart, that’s so surprising,” some chick called Chelsea sighs upon meeting him. Oh Chels, we get it. The bozos they usually select to be The Bachelor often just make a living by selling exercise on Instagram. Producers have really thrown a spanner in the works with a guy who didn’t print his university certificate off the internet.

It’s a risky move by Channel 10. Also risky is the fact Matt is the first guy in three years who isn’t already a known personality. Is it a good choice? And more importantly, do we even care? I’m going to say a firm no for both.

All the girls give themselves that pre-date pep talk. You know the one where you stare in the mirror and tell yourself, “Be normal and don’t do anything weird, you freak.”

But then you inevitably rock up to the date like this:

Me on every first date.

After years of copping backlash for not choosing a diverse mix of girls from all backgrounds, Ten has finally got the message. You want diversity? You got it!

Meet Kristen: A white girl who speaks Chinese. Ya welcome!

It’s so great to see more nationalities represented in prime time.

“Sometimes my friends call me the China girl!” Kristen says and it’s absolutely not a weird thing to say.

“My dream is to hopefully one day own an empire that teaches thousands of Australian children to learn Mandarin!” she adds, and I envisage she’ll have the same amount of success with her venture as those two blokes from Sydney had with their now-defunct sushi pizza restaurant.

She then insists on only speaking Mandarin and, just like when Kevin Rudd used to insist on whipping out his Mandarin, it’s totally sexy and not annoying at all.

I don’t know what happens next, but I’m pretty sure Matt and this next chick have sex.

Is this how the straights do it?

Most importantly, we’re excited to see what villains Ten has provided us with. Exciting! Who will they be? Maybe a mean jewellery designer from Bali or a nasty marketing executive.

Everyone please make welcome Nichole, a cafe manager from the Gold Coast, and yes that’s definitely how you spell her name.

“Obviously I’m not the ugliest person you’ve ever seen,” she says while flicking her hair. “Just the other day I had four guys chasing me down — they were in a car, filming me on their Snapchat.”

Ugh, I forgot what it’s like to be wooed. No one does romance quite like a carload of apprentice tradies.

Nichole, we’ll be honest: what you experienced wasn’t romance — that was mob harassment and it should be met with a police incident report and possibly a segment on A Current Affair.

By now, producers know they’ve got to tick certain boxes. We’ve got weirdos and villains. Now all we need is a clinger. This year, it’s Emma.

She’s obsessed and tells all the other girls inside the mansion about how beautiful and perfect Matt is and how she would cherish even the smallest lock of his hair.

“This girl is embarrassing,” says Rachael, who’s wearing a wedding dress complete with veil, train, ruffles sash and flower bouquet. Look, Rachael also declares, “He’s not even hot!” when she enters the mansion, so we’re not really taking on board her opinions.

Yeah, some people just don’t get it, huh?

After all this, it comes as a shock when we finally meet Elly. She’s lovely and nice and will probably win. She even breaks the rules and drags Matt through the bushes and into a clearing where she’s started a fire. Sneaky dame, she has tricked Matt into having an entire date with her before the competition has even begun. See, if that clinger or that weird bride dragged him into the bushes, our reaction would be different and the incident would probably end in some kind of investigation and Four Corners report. But when Elly does it it’s lovely.

They bond over their mutual affection for a boring satellite dish in Parkes and then boast that they have an intense connection and we roll our eyes.

Osher finishes rinsing out all the tacky red champagne glasses and joins us in the backyard proudly holding a gold envelope containing a Jetstar boarding pass to Melbourne. It’s a visit to Matt’s hometown and, of course, that clinger Emma wants to go there. The fight is on to get it.

“When the game is on, the game is on — and I’m happy to cut her,” some random girl says, which is the same motto I adopt when stealing Ooshies from children.

The clinger lurches out of a bush and traps Matt in conversation. It’s hectic. But in her head, it’s true romance.

“I really want to be with Matt and it would be fantastic to fall in love and begin the rest of our lives together. I love him! What will our initials be when we get married?” she says while not blinking. The creepy gushing doesn’t stop.

“He’s just perfect. My stomach’s doing somersaults,” she grimaces while clutching her abdomen.

“Then go to the bathroom,” we cringe while walking away to find better people.

Everyone’s a little freaked out by Emma’s intensity.

“Emma’s clingy. There’s a stage five and I’d say Emma’s a stage 10 or 15 …” says the girl in the wedding dress. “If I had feelings for Matt after the first night it would actually be insane.”

“You’re wearing an eBay wedding dress,” we squint at her before walking away into the communal bedroom to go through everyone’s things.

Girls wearing eBay wedding dresses shouldn’t throw insults.

It’s getting wild. The waiters can’t keep up with refilling those tacky red champagne flutes.

This mingling is really just a waste of time. We know Matt will give that nice nurse Elly the Jetstar ticket which he does. That stalker girl gets upset but then she remembers she’s a stalker and can just break into Matt’s house and hide in his bed when he’s at work.

After sifting through everyone’s belongings, we come back out to the garden and muster everyone into the rose ceremony.

There are only 17 roses — two ladies will go home. We know exactly who should be kicked out — that clinger and the girl in the eBay wedding dress.

Matt may be a scientist, but he’s a dummy when it comes to a show like this and producers easily trick him into keeping them.

As two innocent girls who we’ve never seen before are escorted out by producers, Matt stares at the remaining group.

The clinger begins muttering an eerie refrain under her breath.

“I’m so excited about the future ahead with Matt. He’s just an amazing, amazing man. He’s just so kind and generous and romantic. He’s a true gentleman. Everything that I’ve been looking for,” she whispers, her eyelids twitching.

We see a stolen eBay wedding dress in her future.

For more observations on M&Ms and being wooed by a carload of aggressive apprentices, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir