James Weir recaps The Bachelor 2019 episode 15: the semi final

In a graphic moment, The Bachelor’s most divisive finalist has thrown everything at the wall with a dirty over-share. And she didn’t stop there.

The Bachelor is kicked up a level during Wednesday night’s penultimate episode when the series’ most divisive finalist throws everything at the wall in a bid to win and blurts out a racy revelation during a filthy scene — and producers again prove they’re asleep at the wheel with two major oversights that could’ve made the scene electrifying.

Abbie gets dirty. I mean that figuratively but also literally. Rolling around in a pit of mud, she squishes Matt between her thighs and flips him onto his back before grinding him and blurting out a graphic admission. The whole scene is basically a play-by-play of that viral video from the other week that showed an anaconda in the Amazon wrestling with a crocodile and suffocating it to death.

What I’m trying to say is, it’s gross.

Also, Helena — the surly French runaway — gets pummelled with a deluge of her own medicine as Matt seeks revenge and turns the tables on her.

READ ALL THE JAMES WEIR RECAPS

Anyway, these semi-final dates are basically just an excuse to use all the remaining Red Balloon vouchers and whatever half-empty bottles of wine are rolling around the bottom of the Channel 10 fridge. I write that sentence every year but it’s just accurate.

The main takeaway tonight is we’re all just glad this mess is almost over because we’ve had enough of these weird satin lady blouses Matt’s been running around in.

Practical yet stylish for the corporate woman on the go.

What’s weird tonight is Matt is surprisingly more into Chelsea than he has ever been — and, even weirder, Chelsea isn’t a nervous wreck anymore and she’s finally talking. I feel like she’s been a mute until tonight.

Look, their day starts out with Matt pretending he knows a lot about cars and they start talking about numbers and maths and I tune out and start scrolling through The Iconic and when I zone back in, Matt’s talking about a code that needs to be broken. Sounds like a riot.

“The only thing more beautiful than this is Chelsea,” Matt gushes while looking at an ocean. We all groan and I promptly add a fanny pack into my e-cart while eye-rolling.

These two froth over a sudoku puzzle and then he gives her a necklace with … her name on it?

I’ve been spelling her name wrong this whole time, soz xx

Something has changed between these two since we last saw them together. They’re super into each other and, after being a mute, Chelsea now can’t shut up about her feelings.

“You make me happy. You make me really happy,” she smiles. “I can really see a future with us and I really hope it is us at the end. You scare me. Because I’m falling in love with you.”

We can tell she’s truly invested in this. They’re a perfect match on an emotional and intellectual level.

Why doesn’t he just choose her now? Because there’s Abbie. And Abbie might not get her kicks out of an algebra puzzle. But she will grind you on a beach.

Let’s steal their belongings and throw them in the water while they’re not looking.

It’s already getting steamy and they’re obviously into each other. Producers really missed an opportunity to score this scene with T-Spoon’s classic 1997 hit Sex On The Beach.

In lieu of the suggestive novelty song, Abbie decides Matt still hasn’t quite received the message and feels the need to make her exact impulses known.

“I just really wanna have sex with you. I’m really horny,” she blurts out to him.

Again, producers drop the ball tonight by not scoring this particular scene with 2 Live Crew’s classic 1989 hit Me So Horny.

Despite these mistake, we applaud Abbie talking about her horniness. People should declare their horniness on national television more often.

Then go eat a whole pizza like the rest of us.

Once the horniness simmers down, they jump aboard a yacht where Abbie decides to reveal more feelings. She’s really sharing a lot tonight.

She pauses for a moment and Matt asks her what’s on her mind. She fakes some tears and some words bubble up out of her throat in a weak garble — the three most important words in the world. Actually that’s a lie. She did not say, “Extra cheese, please”.

“I … love … you,” are the words she appears to vomit.

She has really kicked this game up a notch. Going into this final date, she knew the stakes were high and she had to set herself apart. So she went and played a dangerous card. Abbie is in a mad scramble to win this and she’s prepared to say and do everything it takes. From declarations of love to blunt assertions of horniness.

‘I lurp yorp.’

It’s about now that we forget there’s a third date to sit through. Look, Helena has walked out so many times it’s becoming really hard to keep track of.

Anyway, we find her by the side of a rural road — probably trying to hitchhike her way out of this hellhole.

On the run again.

Coincidentally, Matt’s out driving so he drags her in the car and makes her attend a crap date where he interrogates her about her yen for quitting and walking out. She craps on with vague excuses before settling on the reason that she was just testing him to see if he’d fight for her and he did, so, yay.

But Matt doesn’t agree. He’s fed up and drags us away to vent.

“I actually think that’s shit. That, essentially, Helena was ‘testing’ me? It’s not a good way to start a relationship,” he fumes.

He doesn’t let her off the hook. He wants to see the same emotion the other girls have given him. But Helena’s giving off more “inconvenienced” vibes than “horny” vibes.

“I understand it was probably a bit of a put-off but I’m glad I didn’t go and I’m still here and I hope we can move past it,” she huffs, hoping this will secure her place in Matt’s heart.

We commend your French surliness, Helena, but Matt’s looking for someone a little more … what’s the word? Horny.

He cuts her loose at the rose ceremony and walks her to the Uber.

“I regret nothing,” she shrugs.

As the car speeds down the dirt road away from the mansion, he stands and waits — looking into the darkness and staring at the red tail lights fading in the distance. His eyes well up. This was his test for Helena — a challenge to see if she would come back and fight for him the way he did for her.

And she failed.

For more observations on 2 Live Crew and being a corporate woman on the go, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir