James Weir recaps The Bachelor 2019 episode 14

In a petty fight, a Bach frontrunner quits the show and dumps Matt, only to return and dump him again. James Weir recaps the insanity.

In a seesaw of insanity, one petty misstep throws a Bachelor frontrunner into a hysterical frenzy that causes her to walk out of the competition and dump Matt — only to return and dump him again.

Indeed, a double-dump. It’s as unfortunate as it sounds.

Helena is not new to the hysterical walkout — she threw one just last week mid-date. Tonight brings her total number of walkouts to three. She just seems really stable and together.

Look, as someone who’s a Helena in their own relationships, I feel I should warn Matt to cut all ties. The mood-swings and the arguments over nothing in particular will only increase. This nightmare behaviour is what makes people like Helena and myself so intriguing/hellish.

Wednesday night sees us fly around the country to visit the home towns and crap shacks where all these clowns grew up.

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Ah, the home visits — where everyone’s families are told to clean up their mud huts and producers feed bogan brothers dumb lines to mumble.

Usually we’d love watching all the mums drink too much sav blanc while we judge their decor, but tonight we’re only here to see Helena dump Matt during a hysterical fit before running down a dark cul-de-sac.

It’s called having priorities so let’s breeze through these other visits.

We catch a Jetstar flight up to Brisbane to hang out with Abbie’s family and, first and foremost, we need to acknowledge Matt’s blouse.

Nice blouse, does it come in mens?

Abbie’s mum is freaking out that Matt isn’t ready to settle down or have children soon and, lady, talk to your own daughter, because we have on candid camera her confessing she doesn’t wanna get married or have kids. Do ya homework.

“She did say she’d like to be with one person, get married and have a little baby — a couple of little babies,” she informs Matt. Lady, your daughter’s lying to you. Sorry you had to find out in this recap. We tell her to pull the station wagon around front because we’ve got a flight to catch.

Next thing we know, we wake up in Melbourne for Chelsea’s visit but everything’s perfect here. Her mum and dad have a super fabulous house and her sister is really cool and stylish and smart and edgy and she grills Matt but it just makes us want to be her.

So we give this visit a big tick on our clipboard and charter a flight up to Sydney to deal with an actual problem: Emma.

Her obsession with Matt is just at an inappropriate level and every time we see her, she’s whispering the refrain, “He’s such a wonderful maaaan,” in her Irish lilt.

She tells her mate Jen she has fallen deeply in love with Matt after only two dates.

‘Gurl pls.’

Jen knows where it’s at and tells her friend she’s a complete nutjob. Emma’s really lucky to have a friend like Jen.

But Emma ignores all sound advice — the biggest clingers always do. There’s no rationing with them. You tell them to release their grip but they just hold tighter — convinced they can strangle their target into submission. Tonight, Emma takes it a step further.

As the home visit ends and she stands out on the driveway with Matt, she gleefully tells him she’s falling in love with him.

Matt’s freaked out. Hiding in a bush, he tells us he’s not really on the same page.

“Emma’s feelings have moved forward so rapidly — and so far ahead of my own. I mean, yeah, there is a chance I could fall in love with Emma. But there’s also a chance I might not,” he cringes, unsure of how he’s going to escape Emma’s grip tonight.

He goes for a classic trick — instead of responding to Emma’s declaration of love, he ignores it completely and pretends like she never said it.

Awkward silence falls over the driveway as he stares at a random car passing them in the street.

“Alright … I’m … gonna have to go,” he tells her before sprinting down the driveway.

Don’t worry, Emma’s fine. Like a true clinger, she’s so giddy and obsessed she doesn't even notice she has just been rejected.

‘I’ll see you later through your bedroom window!’

It’s obviously not safe for Matt or us to spend the night in Sydney, so we charter a direct flight over to Perth for Helena’s visit. Helena is a complicated woman. For weeks, she seemed confident and assured but cracks began to show last week when she ran out of a date and had a complete anxiety attack and begged to leave the show entirely. Apparently this fit was just a taste of what’s to come.

Outside on her parent’s patio over dinner, everything’s great. Or so it seems. Helena looks over at Matt and gets comfortable with the idea of being with him. It feels right. But one tiny misstep sets of an explosion.

Helena’s telling her family about the night she met Matt when she arrived at the mansion and how she spoke French to him. But Matt has no recollection of her speaking French.

Big mistake! Well, it’s not. But it is to Helena.

“Massive red flag!” she declares to her mum and sister before breaking down. “I can’t do this. I can’t … I can’t do this … If I’m just, like, nothing to him.”

Helena’s chic French mum is very rational and she coos something calming and Parisian in her daughter’s ear. I would like to share all my problems with Helena’s mum so she can coo rational Parisian replies in my ear.

‘Baguette, Nescafé, Oui oui.’

Helena’s now convinced Matt is not into her at all. As she takes him outside to the front of the house at the end of the night, she decides there is only one logical thing to do: dump him.

“Yeah, I think I know when someone’s into me and I just … I don’t … yeah. I can’t. To me, I can tell that you’re just not into this. My family can tell you’re not in this. So for me, I’m just like, what am I doing here?”

Matt’s blindsided.

“Is that how you feel?” is all he can muster.

“Yeah. And I don't wanna waste your time,” she states.

He tries to make it better. Apologies spew out of his mouth for not remembering that she said something in French that one time. He tells her there’s a connection and he’s not wasting her time — but her mind is already made up. She shuts the front door and Matt staggers down the driveway.

“She’s just finished it,” he whispers, his voice strained like he has just been punched in the stomach and winded.

With his hands on his head, he limps up and down the cul-de-sac out the front of Helena’s family home. He doesn’t know what to do.

Inside the house, Helena slumps her body against the wall in the hallway and sobs. Turns out, this was all a test — and one Matt failed.

“I think he would’ve fought a bit harder if he knows I’m the one,” she cries.

Helena’s a high maintenance girl in a Bachelor world and, instead of playing the game, she expected Matt to play hers.

Suddenly, there’s a weak knock at the door. It’s Matt. She’s held him hostage and now he’s giving into her demands.

“I’m deeply sorry I upset you — for … forgetting things,” he bites his tongue because he knows this fight is flipping ridiculous.

She forgives him and chooses to stay in the competition. Ugh, we’re sick of these fake walkouts. The French — so dramatic.

Despite Helena clearly revealing she’s quite a handful, Matt leaves her home elated that she isn’t leaving. She might be the one.

But Helena isn’t as thrilled. Alone in her backyard, she stares silently at the ground in a rage and completely reverses her decision.

“Um. I think … Yeah … f**k. No. I don’t see it moving forward. I really don’t. I just call bullshit,” she looks over at the producers. “I’m so sorry guys, I can’t do this. I really can’t. I can’t. I’m done. I’m so sorry but I’m done. I can’t.”

She storms off camera and, next thing we know, she’s out in the middle of the cul-de-sac running up behind Matt to dump him again.

“I’m sorry to do this but I just can’t do this. I can’t,” she stresses.

He doesn’t know what the hell has changed in two minutes. All he wants is a simple explanation.

“I want you. I genuinely want you,” she tells him.

Ugh, honestly, Helena is just one big needy mess and she’s sucking all of our energy. Matt should jump in the hire car and speed off while giving her the finger, but he’s not wise like us.

He talks her around again and she agrees to return to the competition.

It has been a very confusing night but, just to be clear, Helena is indeed still on this show. Well, at least we thought.

Um wot?

She doesn’t turn up to the rose ceremony.

Annnnd just so we all understand how high maintenance she is, she suddenly decides she wants to be part of the circus again.

OK let’s just boycott France because of her.

Obviously Helena’s a lot of work and Matt should cut her loose. And I’m saying that as a person who is a lot of work.

Oh, damn. We forgot Emma’s still here. Obviously we have to get rid of her first.

But not before Helena has one final freak out.

“Matt, can I grab you for a quick chat?” she pipes up just before the rose ceremony is about to kick off.

Oh. Jesus. Christ. I swear, I’m going to throw a stale baguette at her.

“It’s just utterly ridiculous,” Emma fumes about Helena getting one final moment with Matt. “Shut up, Emma,” we eyeroll at her, even though we completely agree that it’s indeed utterly ridiculous.

Turns out Helena just wanted to apologise for being completely hysterical. And even though she makes no promises not to repeat her meltdown several more times before the finale, Matt decides to keep her in and dump Emma.

Matt can deal with hysteria. A clinger with an unhealthy obsession, on the other hand — that’s a mission he’s not willing to accept.

As Emma stands at the Uber all bitter and bruised, Matt tries to bluntly explain his decision.

“You’re feelings have grown and developed so quickly and so far ahead of mine. I’m just not sure mine can get there on this journey,” he asserts. That’s right, Matthew. Draw the line, just like we rehearsed.

Emma takes it like a clinger who has just been cut off from her target by an AVO.

“Well, motherf***er!” she yells from the backseat as the Uber speeds down the dirt road away from the mansion.

“I love being in love. I will definitely find my prince,” she spits as she clutches at her shaking body.

Your plan sounds fabulous, Emma. Just make sure it’s not against the prince’s will.

For more observations on baguettes and blouses, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir