Sydney Housewives explode: ‘You want war? You get war’

THE Real Housewives of Sydney head to Singapore this week — and more than one woman has a drink thrown over her.

IF it wasn’t already clear, the events of the last week should make it apparent that several of the Real Housewives of Sydney genuinely loathe each other.

The deepest rift sees Victoria and Krissy on one side, with Athena and Lisa on the other.

After last week’s episode aired, Lisa labelled Victoria an “old moll” who’s “lonely sad and hated.” (and all apparently because she’d misunderstood Victoria’s use of the term ‘s**tshow’). The same day, Athena tweeted Victoria from a Housewives viewing party to ‘regretfully’ inform her that she is universally loathed by fans.

This week’s episode of the (s**t)show goes some way to explaining just how relations between the warring factions got so bad.

But before that, we open with perhaps the most surreal scene in Housewives history — no small feat given this is a show in which we’ve previously witnessed a Botoxed Sydney socialite spoonfeeding caviar to her tutu-clad dog.

We’re high atop the cliffs of Sydney’s oceanfront Eastern suburbs. There’s Athena, clad in white robes, picking her way across the rocks to the cliff’s edge, many metres above the crashing waves.

Athena, stumbling along the clifftops of Sydney in search of a clue

“I’m really disappointed that Victoria didn’t invite me to her Wrinkles Schminkles event,” she announces.

OK, sure, but step away from the edge girl — we can talk about this.

But wait: She’s come here to meditate.

Suddenly, Lisa emerges from the undergrowth, clutching a pair of drinks and shrieking “Yoo-hoo, Athena X!”

As she navigates the terrain, the wind blows her dress up and we get a (thankfully censored) glimpse of Lisa’s Old Field.

Whoever’s on pixelation duties at Foxtel deserves a raise tbh

“I have never tried meditation — I would rather shove glass into my rectum,” says Lisa. Well, she’s certainly dressed for it.

The pair sit on the edge of the cliff and compares notes on Victoria’s party — an event they were barred from attending due to their previous bad behaviour, so sent ‘bad girl’ socialite Lizzie Buttrose in their place.

Captain Eyebrows 2.0

Lisa describes Lizzie as “bats**t crazy, but fabulous.” We’ll agree with the first part: It seems Lizzie’s reported to Lisa that she was minding her own business at the event when Victoria marched up to her and started abusing her. In fact, it happened entirely the other way around.

Athena’s horrified by this (false) account, and concocts one of her legendary ‘I’ll just start talking and hopefully I’ll find a point by the end’ insults: “Sewage is more clean than their mouth and their emotions.”

Lisa’s more blunt.

“You need to understand what a f**king grade-A c**t Victoria is.”

Across town, Victoria, Krissy and Matty are living the high life in the VIP tent at a polo match.

“You know, I’ve ridden every day of my life,” says Krissy.

“Really? Horses?” asks Matty. Perfection.

Krissy scans the crowd as all Cute Waiters within a 100-yard radius take cover

Victoria’s still fuming about Lizzie Buttrose gate crashing her charity event. “I kept saying to her, Who are you?’ I don’t know anyone with bad hair like that,” she says. AGAIN WITH THE HAIR.

Next we’re back at Lisa’s house, where she’s receiving a counselling session to discuss her marriage problems — yes, on television. Brace yourselves folks, this is brutal stuff.

Husband David’s nowhere to be seen, so marriage counsellor Christina does her best despite having access to only one half of this two-headed hydra of marital despair.

Lisa tells Christina that she and David went out for a romantic dinner recently — and sat across from each other in stony silence for the whole evening

“I was just looking at him thinking, ‘I f**king hate you.”

“Wow. That’s a very strong emotion,” says Christina, nodding sagely. This lady clearly knows her stuff.

Lisa: 'I hate my husband.' Marriage counsellor: 'Yeah I hate your husband too babes'

Lisa says the pair are like “barely civil flatmates.”

“The only time we talk to each other is to tell each other to f**k off walking past one another,” she says.

She admits she gets violent, hurling household objects at David as she screams insults like “I wish you were dead.”

It’s at this point Christina looks like she wants to call for some sort of marriage counsellor emergency backup.

“Is your marriage Pauline Hanson? Because it's a terrible joke that’s gone on far too long”

Christina and Lisa agree that David needs to attend a counselling session, which we can only assume will be televised.

“’I hate you’ is actually not true,” Christina tells her. “You don’t hate your husband: You love your husband.”

I dunno Christina … kinda seems like she hates her husband.

Putting her marital woes aside, Lisa sets off with the other ladies for a glam Singapore holiday — and they’re determined to have a good time.

“I’ve got a smile on my dial, a cocktail in my hand — no-one’s gonna bother me on this trip,” says Krissy. Yes, she said cockTAIL.

The girls head out for a night on the town — all except Lisa, who’s been struck down with food poisoning.

A toast to Lisa and her explosive gastro!

“Can’t say I’ll miss her,” says Krissy. “Night’s certainly going to be chilled without her.”

Oh doll, just you wait.

“I just hope these girls behave themselves; I can’t be bothered with the drama. I’d like to have a conversation, not a screaming match,” says Victoria.

They’re all on their best behaviour as they enjoy a drink on a rooftop bar, but as the others head inside to sit down to dinner, Athena pulls Krissy aside for a one-on-one whinge. She complains that the others ‘constantly bash and ridicule’ her, with Victoria as the bullying ringleader.

Krissy’s not having that, but does offer Athena some friendly advice:

“Just stop. Start with a clean slate on this trip. Relax into it … let’s have fun in Singapore. Don’t be on the defensive — let the girls get to know you.”

The cute waiters of Singapore will sleep with one eye open tonight

It’s sound advice, and Athena thanks her for it — then quickly ignores it once they rejoin the others.

Asked what the pair was talking about, Athena tells the group she just confided to Krissy about her difficulties getting on with Victoria.

At first, the reaction is civil. Victoria promises “no screaming — we’ll only talk.”

Could these two finally get a chance to air their grievances and move on? Umm, have you seen this show?

“I’m never given the opportunity to finish a sentence,” says Athena, prompting this ‘OK but gurl you actually never shut up’ look from Victoria:

She does a LOT of this when Athena's talking

Victoria gives it to Athena straight: She has a problem with her tendency to denigrate other women.

“It’s putting women down in a nasty way. Whether you say I have bad skin or bad this or that, it’s putting women down — and you don’t do that.”

But, Athena counters, surely “someone of your age” shouldn’t be bothered by such slurs.

Cue another ‘So help me god’ glance to the heavens from Victoria.

Soon the pair are debating Athena and Lisa’s absence from Victoria’s charity event last episode. Victoria says that the surrogate they sent in their place, Lizzie Buttrose, did enough damage — and made a point of telling her she was there to cause trouble on their behalf.

Athena denies all knowledge of Operation Buttrose, with typical Athena flair.

Oh god here she goes

“That’s not true, that’s not TRUE, SWEAR ON YOUR SON’S LIFE THAT SHE SAID I SENT HER!” she screams.

“You’re meant to be my friend,” Athena then wails to Victoria — a woman she’s so far during the course of the show called fat and old (and they’re just the insults we don’t have to censor).

“We’re not friends,” Victoria shoots back. “We’re ACQUAINTANCES.”

Athena seems utterly stunned by this news.

Classic Housewives move: Deny a friendship ever existed

Athena, shocked that the woman she hates doesn't want to be friends with her

“We. Are. Not. Friends. And if she thinks we’re friends, she’s delusional,” Athena shrugs.

Athena’s on the attack now, spitting any insult she can think of Victoria’s way. Victoria’s “such an ungrateful piece of work,” apparently. “Darling, you need to do some more charity because your soul is in the GUTTER. You have a BLACK SOUL.”

Victoria’s got a few insults of her own stored up.

“You don’t even WORRRRK. You’re at home mopping. Get a cleaner and go to work,” she drawls, as the other Housewives giggle nervously.

Je Suis Melissa Tkautz

“At least I don’t use men to accumulate wealth. You’ve been married twice sweetheart, and you’ve taken the money from those two husbands to buy handbags,” Athena screams. At this point she’s leaning far over a clearly terrified Krissy, in a scene we feel we’ve seen somewhere before:

Krissy trying her hardest to teleport back to Double Bay here

Athena and Krissy, you girls look great!

At this point Victoria quite reasonably decides she’d rather be back in her five-star hotel room in her dressing gown ordering room service and watching a movie, so rises to leave the table — throwing a napkin in Athena’s face as she goes.

Oh this is not gonna end well.

Reeling from this no doubt devastating facial injury, Athena responds instantly, picking up a drink from the table and hurling its contents in Victoria’s general direction (give or take a bit of collateral Housewife splashback). And then another.

Fun fact: If you throw water on a Housewife after midnight they turn into a gremlin

Victoria stalks around the table, now coated in cocktails.

“You can f**k off. You’re a DELUSIONAL MORON. Go to work, get a job,” she rants, before charging back to hurl a drink at Athena.

Season 2 RHOS idea: ARM THEM ALL WITH SUPER-SOAKERS.

The other Housewives sit in stunned, soaked silence. Etiquette Nazi Nicole’s horrified — hurling a drink in someone’s face is actually quite bad manners, don’t you know.

“I am embarrassed to be anywhere NEAR you girls,” she wails, fleeing the table.

“What the HELL just happened then?” asks Melissa as, at the other end of the table, Matty sits mute n’ pouty, as if waiting to be recharged.

As always, LIVING for Matty.

Wow. Things really escalated. As the Housewives scatter, do you think Athena’s feeling a bit regretful about how things went down?

“She deserved that,” she tells Krissy. “She actually deserved I GRAB THE WHOLE F**KEN TABLE AND CHUCK IT ON HER F**KEN HEAD!”

At this, she actually grabs the table, attempting to up-end it as in a brute display of Hulk-like strength. Krissy has to restrain her, but she’s still ranting.

Athena, still screaming expletives at Victoria while Victoria’s probably already in her PJs

“THERE’S NO F**KEN COMING BACK FROM THIS. YOU WANT WAR WITH ATHENA? YOU GET WARRRR!”

Matty lets out a long sigh as she rises to leave the table.

“Ohhhh ... Shut up Athena, I’m sick of it.”

As in any confrontation, Melissa focuses her attentions on quietly drinking in the corner

Next time: Victoria meets her long-lost sister in Singapore — and bizarrely, Lisa turns her anger on usual bestie Athena. THAT’S RIGHT: CRAZY FIGHTS CRAZY.

The Real Housewives of Sydney screens 8:30pm Sundays on Foxtel’s Arena channel — check back here right after each episode for our full recap. In the meantime, chat all things Housewives with our recapper Nick Bond, who writes these recaps while meditating atop a cliff sans underpants, at @bondnickbond on Twitter.