Horrified Sydney Housewives finally meet their match in notorious socialite gatecrasher

FOR weeks now we’ve watched the Sydney Housewives locked in escalating feuds — but they’re no match for this notorious socialite and party crasher.

FOR six episodes now we’ve watched the Sydney Housewives locked in a series of increasingly nasty arguments — but this week, they’re no match for a notorious socialite and party crasher.

Tonight’s episode opens the morning after Matty’s Persian party, during which Athena attacked many of her castmates — then tearfully revealed she had been the victim of childhood domestic abuse.

After the episode, she took to social media to compare her behaviour to that of Jesus (“F**k off you idiot, you’re a pain sack Captain Eyebrows” remains our favourite bible passage).

She reflects on the madness of the party with husband Panos, maintaining that the others do have it in for her.

“I do have a short fuse,” she concedes. “I’m not Buddha meditating on the mountain all day. But I wanted them to understand me. I had to put my whole self as an open book, and let them in.”

BREAKING: Athena refutes widespread reports she is, in fact, Buddha

Holding her hands, Panos gives his wife a much-needed pep talk: “You have beauty. You have style. You have grace.”

She has flair, she was there, that’s how she became The Nanny?

Next we’re at a dance studio, where Melissa is auditioning dancers ‘for up and coming gigs.’ No shade, but: What gigs? The ‘tour’ section of her official website just links to her Instagram (she does sell some lovely scented soy candles in her online shop, though. Mmm, Pomegranate).

Thirst Queen Krissy soon arrives to help with selection process / cruise male dancers. Just look at that face as she surveys the muscular young men stretching before her:

*jaw unhinges*

“EVERY male dancer caught my attention,” she moans, as the poor sods strut their stuff despite knowing their every lithe movement inches her ever-closer to inevitable orgasm:

Impress the judges and you’ll be going on a whistlestop tour of Australia’s most prestigious regional gay bars

Krissy’s not content just to judge — she wants to dance with somebody (somebody who loves her). Before you know it, she’s got the dancers forming a circle and busting moves like your drunk aunty doing the Nutbush at a wedding:

It’s important to remember that this was likely filmed at 8:45 on a Tuesday morning

We’re at Lisa’s next, where she’s busy dealing with the cold-blooded predator in her home. But enough about David Oldfield (HIYOOOOOO!), because Lisa’s mixing up a few cocktails in her beloved Thermomix beloved while wearing her giant python Shelley as a necklace.

Nigella in Emily the Strange cosplay

At one point the snake even gets its slippery little snake head right into the cocktail mix UGH UGH BURN THE HOUSE DOWN UGH.

SOMEONE CALL THE BLOODY PUBLIC HEALTH DEPARTMENT

Her guests Melissa, Matty and Athena enter the kitchen, Mel and Matty shrieking at this Totally Wild display. Athena’s quite not so scared, giving the snake a pat.

“TWO COLD-BLOODED BITCHES,” Matty screams.

Yes, this is the proper reaction to a python in your cocktail mix

Out on Sydney Harbour, Victoria, Krissy and Nicole are swanning about on a private boat enjoying a few cocktails of their own (fellow plebs, feel free to replicate this luxe Housewives experience by smuggling a goon sack onto the Parramatta Rivercat).

Nicole’s “Have I mentioned I’m unspeakably wealthy” schtick is really in overdrive.

“I feel very blessed to have spent time on some beautiful boats ...” she says. “I have a boat so I can go on Sydney Harbour any time I want.” Big whoop, I’ve got an Opal card and a ferry timetable, you don’t hear me bragging.

The trio reflect on Matty’s derailed Persian party — Nicole admits she’s embarrassed that she boasted about the size of her diamond ring to Athena.

“To be comparing diamonds is just ... so low class,” she scoffs poshly. Nicole, it is quite literally not.

'Ugh comparing diamonds is such a povvo public school thing to do'

Nicole and Krissy agree that they feel sorry for Athena, having now learned of her childhood marred by domestic violence.

“I don’t even know if I believe it,” says Victoria. “Maybe she did have a terrible time with her father, who knows. But that’s no excuse for her behaviour. No-one’s life’s easy. Matty was in a war, she’s not screaming and yelling at people.”

Why y’all out here lookin like a White Lady Funerals team meeting

Victoria says she’s now faced with a dilemma: She’d earlier asked Athena to donate a jewellery item from her family’s Levendi store to auction off at her upcoming charity event. Given Athena’s recent outbursts, she has to update the invite: The free jewels can come to my party, but you can’t. Lisa’s off the invite list, too.

“Athena and Lisa would both be a liability if they came to this launch. I can’t trust their behaviour,” she tells the others. Little does she know they’re both more than capable of f**king things up royally without even being there.

Next we’re with Lisa at work, and while we still don’t quite understand quite what she does for a day job we can confirm it involves more use of the phrase ‘Chinese investors’ than we’ve heard since Bill Heslop’s star turn in Muriel’s Wedding.

She’s at her desk when Athena calls.

“Oh hi, I’m just at work … Just closed a MAJOR deal,” she says. “Yes, I might have to come down and spend some of my spoils at Levendi.”

The camera pans out to show Lisa, her desk clean and bare, her computer switched off. Yep, just flat out.

Yes hello, serious business lady making pretty big deals here, I'll have two large pizzas please

Athena’s fuming that she’s been uninvited from the party by Victoria: “What a COW. What an ungracious user. She’s a despicable, horrible, uncouth woman,” she seethes.

“See how these people are low-vibrating people? See how they don’t take you to a place of light? They trigger off my anger!”

Athena in her happy place: name calling while gesticulating wildly

Lisa says not to worry: She’s hatched a plan. “I don’t like to waste my time on petty things such as revenge, but I’ve got two little words for Victoria Rees: Lizzie Buttrose. Enjoy.”

Yes, THAT Lizzie Buttrose — the socialite niece of Ita who’s made news thanks to her frequent brushes with the law, most recently for assaulting a police officer. Gird your loins, people, Cyclone Lizzie’s coming to town.

The launch party is underway, and Victoria’s already sticking the boot in to Athena — she tells the others she was underwhelmed by the necklace her family had donated.

“I’m not saying it wasn’t generous or nice but … it’s not the Hope Diamond,” she sniffs.

Victoria, seen here handling the Levendi jewellery box as one would a container full of nuclear waste.

Krissy’s having a drink and scanning the crowd for a Cute Waiter™ when a woman gets all up in her grill, shoving a phone in her face and announcing: “These are my princesses and I know the REAL reason why they’re not invited.”

It is she — Lizzie Buttrose. On her phone, a picture of Athena and Lisa at home having the BEST TIME EVER THANKS and expressing their feelings about the others via the medium of the aggro Instagram post:

OMG we're not even upset we’re not invited!!!! Hasn’t even crossed our minds!!!!!!

This is classic Athena / Lisa behaviour. Indeed, the pair watched this week’s episode from an Oxford Street gay bar last night, with Athena taking the time to tweet Victoria and let her know that the patrons all ‘hate’ her:

@iamvictoriarees sorry to let you know a room filled with fans hate you 👎👎👎👎

— Athena X Levendi (@athenaxlevendi) April 9, 2017

Back to the party: Lizzie wasn’t invited either, but she’s chucked on her best clip-in hair extensions, is POUNDING the open bar, and she has several simultaneous axes to grind.

CHUG CHUG CHUG

The category is ‘Britney’s breakdown year’

Victoria is FREAKING OUT. Lizzie needs to leave. She really must leave this instant. OH GOD GET HER OUT OF HERE.

Sadly, among the invited crowd of gay Double Bay hairdressers and well-heeled Bellevue Hill housewives, there isn’t a security guard in sight.

Lizzie’s on the loose.

“She’s a scraaaaag!” Victoria says as she keeps one eye on Lizzie. “That’s the worst hair I’ve ever seen.”

“Who is she? Why don’t she get a blow dry?” asks Matty.

Suddenly Lizzie marches over to Victoria, demanding to know why her ‘friends’ Lisa and Athena weren’t invited to the party.

Within seconds she’s labelling Victoria a “bully”: “You are just the RUDEST person I’ve ever met in my life. You’re HIDEOUS. You’re REVOLTING,” she spits.

FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

Generally when you crash a party you try to blend in, not attack the host.

It takes quite a lot of chutzpah to march up to the host of a party and pick a fight — particularly when you WEREN’T EVEN ACTUALLY INVITED. Read your Aunty’s book, Liz.

Lizzie then disappears back into the crowd, striding straight past one woman who’s been filming the whole ordeal on her phone (respect).

me when there’s drama

Victoria’s at her wit’s end. “I want her to leeeeave! She’s soooo ruuuude!” she wails.

“Tell her to go home,” says Melissa, gesturing with the bottle of wine she’s now clutching for some reason (these Double Bay charity functions clearly get real loose, real quick).

Melissa, clutching her half-drunk bottle of plonk, horrified by the lack of manners on display

It’s time for the auction, and the MC, celeb hairdresser Joh Bailey, is in troublemaker mode.

“Ah, the one Victoria hates,” he says, clutching the Levendi necklace.

“Dear little thing it is … dear LITTLE thing. Anyone?”

The bidding starts at 50 bucks, eventually going for $1500 — around half the item’s retail value. It doesn’t help that Lizzie Buttrose continually interrupts proceedings to yell about her love of Levendi, then spills her entire glass of champers on the floor:

Look, we’ve all been that girl at a party.

Nicole sums up the prevailing mood among the housewives: “Lizzie was drunk, she was out of line, I could hardly look at her ... she was all over the place. And all I could think of was how bad her hair was.”

Yep, ya nailed it Nicole.

Having made it to the end of the party without their gatecrasher removing her top or using a firearm, the ladies retire to a quiet bar for a nightcap.

Melissa has news: She’s booked a modelling job in Singapore — and she wants to invite them all along to turn it into a girls’ trip. But should she invite the two absent trouble makers?

Krissy and Victoria’s faces say it all:

'Are you f**king kidding me?'

Next week: The gang hit Singapore — yes, even Athena and Lisa. Peace lasts for about the first five minutes before the biggest fight this season kicks off between Athena and Victoria.

Real Housewives of Sydney screens 8:30pm Sundays on Foxtel’s Arena channel. Check back here for our full recap after each episode has aired — and in the meantime, chat all things Housewives with recapper and Ita Buttrose’s other problem niece Nick Bond on Twitter at @bondnickbond.