Squawking like a cockatoo on a thumbtack. Is this TV’s most unpopular celeb?

JUST when we thought we couldn’t stand another minute of Merv Hughes on I’m A Celebrity, in comes Lauren Brant.

BEFORE we start, can we please all agree not to let Lauren near sugar ever again until the end of time, or at least until the end of microphones?

Half a slice of birthday cake and she’s squawking like a cockatoo on a thumbtack. It makes a nice change from Merv’s relentless enlightened drone, but still: INSIDE VOICE, LAUREN.

To be honest, despite recovering from his overnight bedridden mope, Merv almost fades into the background this episode. It must take a lot out of him continuously growing a hair hoodie like that.

But enough of the current backgrounders — it’s Daddy Daddo’s birthday! Hugs abound, and the members of Craft Club — the jungle’s most exclusive whittling cartel — present him with a homemade “monkey”. “Monkey” is a cute name for something that looks like it came from the Kardashian mansion’s shower drain, isn’t it? Naw. Monkey.

Craft Club leader, chocolate smuggler and all-round great guy. #HappyBirthdayAndrew! #ImACelebrityAU pic.twitter.com/UipC4dhZf9

— #ImACelebrityAU (@ImACelebrityAU) February 19, 2015

It’s Tyson and Frair-ie Flin-off’s turn to collect food stars in the Tucker Trial, and my disappointment that Tyson keeps his shirt on the whole time (damn, son) is almost completely overshadowed by my realisation that I cannot understand a single word that Frair-ie Flin-off says.

The trial takes place on two taut wires suspended over a dam (dam, son), and Frair-ie assures us that he’s not afraid of heights. Or he might have said he wasn’t a maid with tights. I honestly can’t tell.

Catch? No chance.

Well, this looks comfortable.

The boys must pull themselves, groin-down, along the wires — Tyson on the high wire and Frair-ie on the low, with Tyson plucking star flags as he goes and dropping them down to the ex- captain of the English cricket team, who has to catch them in a high wind.

An English cricketer.

Has to catch something.

Even the Barmy Army at this stage gently lower their noisemakers and each let a solitary crystalline tear roll silently down their cheeks.

No chance, mate.

Despite some truly inspiring shoulder muscles, the lads fail miserably, only netting three stars and a considerable double helping of pelvic chafe.

@ImACelebrityAU An Englishman taking a bad catch - no surprise really? #celebfreddie

— Nicole Livingstone (@NicLiv) February 19, 2015

The campers are diplomatic when they learn of the underwhelming haul, and offer a subdued round of applause. All except for Lauren who, in a surprise comparable to opening a tube of toothpaste and finding toothpaste inside, is a bit miffed. She makes a face like she’s sucking on a sour mouse.

But no matter, there are culturally questionable birthday party costumes to make! No longer content with mere pedestrian chopsticks, Craft Club sets to work chucking paint at hessian and fashioning native-American-esque headdresses, perfect for a cluster of white people in a South African jungle. Julie’s so industrious that she’s unravelling hessian in order to make yarn, which she’ll then knit together to make ... oh look, hessian.

Julie is to #CraftClub what Einstein was to scientific revolution. #ImACelebrityAU

— #ImACelebrityAU (@ImACelebrityAU) February 19, 2015

Not the blokes, but. Nah, mate. That stuff’s for ... y’know. Joel. You remember Joel. Owner of the manliest beard in camp. That guy.

To fill in time before the party, Anna and Tyson, both wearing shirts, head off to participate in television’s greatest regular eight minutes of pissing up a rope: The Celebrity Chest Challenge. In order to get access to Matt Preston’s cheese, the pair must catch and milk a corral full of goats and then answer a question.

Happily the question isn’t “How does Bachelor Tim feel about watching this at home alone?”, because with all the references to horns, chests, squatting and teats, it all seems a bit seck-shoo-wall. That, friends, is some hard-won cheese.

Biceps. Biceps. and more biceps.

Watch that hand, Anna.

In ante-festivity period, we learn that Maureen considers herself a bit of a cougar (cougars repraZENT!), Daddy Daddo would prefer the thrill of daggy dancing to Tinder in order to pick up chicks (Gen X repraZENT!) and Tyson spends an inordinate amount of live-to-air time soaping his torso in the open-air shower (repra ... sudsy ... man-nipples ... distracted ... what?).

FINALLY Daddy Daddo’s birthday party is here, and after all the anticipation, preparation, and hype, it bursts forth in a cacophony of tiny pieces of cake, a video, a game centred around the eight thousand Daddo brothers, and general sitting around. Such is the bacchanalian hedonism that Frair-ie Flin-off and Merv even talk about which cricketers had the best mullets at one point.

This. Does not please. Lauren.

It’s probably quicker and easier from here on in just to list the things that annoy Lauren. But what will we call such a list? I know:

LIST OF THINGS THAT ANNOY LAUREN

1. Tyson having his shirt off.

2. Merv having his shirt off.

3. Nobody wanting to do a fashion show.

4. Nobody wanting to skinny-dip.

5. Barry suggesting that maybe she should ‘have a break from herself’.

6. The fact that nobody mentions the one Daddo sister.

7. The fact that everybody else is speaking really quietly by comparison.

8. Dirt, air, and humanity’s interminable march towards death.

But mostly Tyson with his shirt off.

Weirdo.

Jo Thornely doesn’t get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her on Twitter @JoThornely