New Melbourne Housewife fumes over stunt: ‘This is dangerous ground’

NEW Melbourne Housewife Venus has one very raw nerve — and Gamble just found it, with explosive results. Here’s our full recap.

THIS week on the Real Housewives of Melbourne we meet yet another new cast member — and discover that one Lady’s aristocratic title is something of a sore point.

First we’re at Gamble’s, where she’s invited Jackie and Janet over to find out what she missed at the previous evening’s Gina-organised dinner. Gamble wasn’t invited, so instead made her presence felt by sending flowers and a creepy ominous note to the table. Fun!

Last week’s recap: ‘That’s stalking, I need a restraining order’

“I think Gina’s smart enough to know that me sending flowers to her dinner was a f**k you, and it was a f**k you, and if anyone deserves a f**k you, it’s her,” Gamble explains.

That settles that, then.

Janet Roach, undisputed queen of reaction shots

Gamble has another big problem with her former friend — Gina regularly slags her off in her NW magazine column, ‘Judge Gina’. Apparently it’s one long anti-Gamble “propaganda campaign”:

If it appeared in NW, it must be true.

Janet changes the subject, filling Gamble in on the newest member of the cast — uncanny valley dictionary definition, Venus Behbahani-Clark.

“Let us tell you about Venus! CUUUUTEST little blonde you ever saw. TINY little thing,” Janet purrs, no doubt keenly aware that ‘bonsai bottle blonde’ is very much Gamble’s turf on this show.

Gamble’s already Insta-stalked Venus, and is suspicious of her large online following.

“You either have to be a Pomeranian or a stripper to get that many followers,” she notes. Why not both?

Next we’re with Gina at a nail salon, for a brief scene the editors seem to have included solely to show viewers that four seasons in, Liano now rivals Mariah Carey in the diva stakes. Gina wants her nails filed square, not round, and won’t she just let the nail technician know it:

“No, not round — square,” she tells her.

“NO. Not round, square.”

“I can see you rounding them off…”

“That’s rounding them, darling …”

The nail technician, who obviously doesn’t value her life, decides to give Liano some backchat: “No, it’s square.”

"I will destroy you."

Another short scene follows, as Venus heads out for a run along the banks of the Yarra River with husband James. “Oh look, the ducks are out today,” she observes. Umm, they sure are:

Carry On Up the River

We’re at Lydia’s next, and she’s wandering around clutching poor old Figaro, who’s dressed in another ridiculous outfit while staring directly into the camera and indeed, my soul, as if to ask why I haven’t yet stopped recapping to reach into the screen and rescue him:

All dogs go to heaven — but this one’s trapped in an eternal hell.

Lydia and husband Andrew seem to have been taking notes from the Sydney Housewives’ most dysfunctional couple, Lisa and David Oldfield.

L ydia: “Have I told you about my new venture, cooking?”

Andrew: “Probably about 30 times, is there something NEW you haven’t told me?”

Savage, Andrew. Cue a prolonged, open-mouthed pause from Lydia as the cogs turn and she realises she’s being dissed by her husband:

She's got a blank face baby, and she'll write your name.

Lydia informs Andrew she’s planning to host a series of cooking classes, right here in the family kitchen.

“What are you going to do to the poor people who come here? Are you going to treat them the way you treat ME, or are you going to treat them like DECENT people?” he asks.

Jesus, Andrew, pull yourself together.

“STOP TALKING! Don’t even comment until I ask for it,” Lydia thunders.

There’s no sign of Johanna the housefriend this season — is Lydia’s husband now her sole torture target? Andrew: Blink twice at the camera if you need help. Bring Figaro.

The man is wearing a 'LYDIA SCHIAVELLO' apron, he deserves only our deepest sympathies

Next up, new girl Sally finally gets her proper introduction — she’s a Chyka-esque down-to-earth businesswoman who splits her time between Sydney and Bali (not in a Schapelle way). Homewares, accessories, her own wellness retreat — she’s got her fingers in a lot of pies.

She has “a lot of old money in the family,” which is coincidentally what I say after I clean under the couch cushions and find any more than $3.50.

Sally’s motto: You can achieve anything “with a smile and a glass of wine.” Forget the smile, just give me the wine

She’s also recovering from a major tragedy — her husband of 18 years passed away just six months before filming, leaving her as the single mum to two boys. This is a woman who’s been through the worst life can throw at you, so don’t expect her to have much patience for confected Housewives feuds.

Sally meets the ladies at a cocktail party Janet’s hosting to mark the success of she and her son Jake’s tea range. Gamble’s the last to arrive, as she wants to make a grand entrance.

“Apparently she’s got a WHOLE. NEW. LOOK. She’s had a COMPLETE makeover,” Janet warns the other girls.

As the women ponder what sort of insane body modifications Gamble’s undergone — Labret piercing? Southern Cross face tattoo? Hooves? — Gina offers this particular bitchy aside:

Eesh, not a good look, Gina.

OK guys, are you ready? Here’s Gamble’s TOTALLY EXTREME new look:

It’s very ‘Reese Witherspoon on a very special episode of Big Little Lies’

“I don’t think parting your hair down the middle is a drastic makeover. I’d prefer her to make herself a sandwich,” says Gina.

Gamble meets Venus for the first time, the pair exchanging the most pained ‘We’ve both already decided we hate each other’ air kiss:

LUV U BABES *rushes to smear self head to toe in hand sanitiser*

Gamble’s verdict on this new member of the group: “Holy F**KING hell. What are you doing with those contact lenses, are you channelling the dead? She is SCARY.”

Gamble presents hostess Janet with a present: A very important-looking envelope, sealed with wax. Jackie for one is intrigued: “Oh my god, it’s like it’s from The Games of Thrones!” The Games of Thrones. Bless.

Inside the envelope is a ‘title’ Gamble’s bought for Janet and her new man Sam, bestowing upon them the honour of Lord and Lady.

Venus has been very quick to announce to anyone who’ll listen that she and her British husband are an actual Lord and Lady, so Gamble’s inference is clear: These titles aren’t worth the paper they’re printed on.

As the contents of the envelope are revealed, Venus makes sure everyone knows she’s totally not mad about the not-so-subtle dig.

“HA HA HA HA,” she laughs, a little too forcefully.

“She’s got one of those CHEAP lordships online? HA HA HA HA! That’s so f**king old news, HA HA HA HA!!!!!”

*dying inside*

In a piece to camera, she reveals her true feelings. “My husband is the only man in that room with a Lord title. Those sort of aristocratical (not a word, but you do you babes) titles should be respected, and NOT mocked.” Oh, Venus. Good luck with that.

For what it’s worth, Gamble is loving herself sick after her little stunt:

‘LOL SUCKED IN M8’

Venus soon finds it difficult to contain her anger.

“She’s trying to mock me? Gamble, I’ll have to educate you on the difference between the REAL lordships and the novelty ones online,” she spits, looking like she’s about to shoot white-hot lasers through those azure contacts.

The other Housewives crowd around, trying to figure out why Venus is getting so rattled.

“I’m offended because ... because ... this is like going to a costume shop and putting on a doctor’s jacket as a costume, trying to mock it,” she explains.

Lords and doctors, truly two of the most marginalised victims of cultural appropriation.

As the bizarre logic hangs in the air, Gamble gives the camera a perfect ‘Are you guys hearing this too?’ look:

Yes, Gamble, we see you.

Gamble takes Venus aside to try and sort things out privately, noting that by now the new girl is “making a bit of a fool of herself.” But Venus’ husband James (christened “Lord Bats**t” by Gamble) steps in too.

With her husband backing her up, Venus is in full legal mode: “This is VERY dangerous ground, I’m telling you,” she informs an entirely unfussed Gamble. “It’s not something we will take lightly.”

Gamble’s got a much more interesting feud to pursue, cornering Gina elsewhere at the party for a one-on-one chat about their ongoing iss-ewes.

It quickly descends into yet another weird argument about Gamble’s weight loss, with Gina reiterating her concern and Gamble insisting that a “health doctor” has assured her she’ll “live 20 years longer than anyone else.”

Looks like someone just smelled their own perfume

Gamble explains she’s fuming that Gina has started a “campaign” against her in her columns, and Liano’s response offers an illuminating peek behind the editorial curtain at NW Magazine:

“The columns under my name are an INTERVIEW. It doesn’t say I actually wrote it. Maybe you shouldn’t take them so much to heart, darl. It’s a magazine — it’s not a eulogy.”

Gina argues Gamble has a “nasty, expectant” side and exhibits “stalker-like behaviour.”

Gamble is not a stalker (says Gamble).

With that, the pair storm back into the party separately, each muttering under their breath. “I’m not stalking you, bitch,” Gamble insists.

“Stalker? F**king stalker! I’m NOT a stalker.”

I mean, it’s not NOT something a stalker would say.

Next week: The unexpected return of Chyka! And Gamble’s stepson’s 21st is the setting for a bizarre showdown between Venus and the rest of the girls.

The Real Housewives of Melbourne airs 8:30pm Wednesdays on Foxtel’s Arena Channel — check back here right after each episode airs for our full recap. In the meantime, chat all things Housewives with recapper and Pomeranian stripper Nick Bond on Twitter at @bondnickdbond.