MKR: What not to do at a dinner party

ONE of the reasons we like watching MKR is because dinner parties are hard and usually awkward. Here’s a perfect example of what not to do.

ONE of the reasons we like watching MKR is because dinner parties are hard, and good reality television is about watching people fail.

We can sit on our couches eating food we wouldn’t Instagram in a pink fit, telling people on the TV screen what they’re doing wrong, because as everyone knows, people on television aren’t real and don’t have feelings. It’s two of their finest qualities.

As a side bonus, their failures can become our life lessons, so here are the seven things you should never do at a dinner party, as made obvious by MKR:

1. DON’T BAN REFUGEES

Tonight’s cooks David and Betty are from Vietnamese and Laotian backgrounds respectively, and David proudly pins a photograph of his mother in a refugee camp on the wall of their instant restaurant.

It’s a very good reminder in a world currently obsessed with closing its borders to refugees that so much of the good stuff comes from letting a whole bunch of cultures moosh together. Australia would be nothing without the influence and enrichment of multiple ethnicities, nowhere more apparent than on our plates.

This picture trumps racism.

2. DON’T GIVE AN INSINCERE GREETING

After a relatively nondescript, warmish greeting at David and Betty’s front door, resident villains Amy and Tyson mock their introductory hugs behind their hosts’ backs.

“You don’t want too much body on body”, grimaces Amy, setting the tone for a relentless evening poo-pooing everything beautiful and pure in this world. Look, either hug or don’t hug.

Mocking a hug you freely received is petty. When Amy reveals that she works in human resources at the dinner table, Bek sums it up perfectly: “Amy doesn’t come across as a people person. Someone who would find resources. For humans”. Indeed.

She has Dettol in her handbag.

Not impressed.

3. DON’T LET SELFIES MAKE THE FOOD GO SEPTIC

We’re not given any chance to forget that Betty is a “social media influencer”, as she, David and their guests mention Instagram and hashtags utterly spontaneously and without prompting every two minutes or so.

It’s important to remember, though, that for every eight photographs you take of your food, twelve million bacteria multiply in its moist, warm folds. By all means post a shot, but make it snappy. It’s apple torte, not Mapplethorpe.

Give me an E!

Give me a. coli!

4. DON’T MAKE BOASTFUL CLAIMS YOU CAN’T BACK UP

There are two offenders in this episode: uppity Tyson and flirty Bek.

Claim 1: That Bek is a masterful flirt.

Failure to back up: Visual evidence that Bek’s flirting technique seems to just be hair-twirling.

OMG Kyle is so super dreamy.

Risk: You will be mocked by two people dressed as a pineapple and a strawberry.

The world’s ritziest fruit salad.

Claim 2: By Tyson, that “we work hard on our food knowledge, and we’re confident in our abilities to critique food properly”.

Failure to back up: The bulk of Tyson’s food critique consists of the phrases “that’s disappointing” and “I don’t want bad food”.

Risk: Viewers will think you are a massive tool.

That’s disappointing.

5. GET YOUR NOSE OUT OF IT

Okay, I know that our senses of taste and smell are scientifically intermingled, but visually the difference between tasting and smelling is the difference between “ooh, is that cinnamon?” and “ooooh, is that mildew?”.

It’s … it’s … wait, I know this one …

It’s a urine sample.

6. DON’T DISAGREE WITH PEOPLE JUST FOR THE SAKE OF IT

It’s clear by now that Amy and Tyson’s conversational tactic is just to say they hate whatever everyone else likes, and frankly every worthwhile facial expression and eye-roll around the table occurs as a direct result. I’ll give it one and a half more instant restaurants before it becomes utterly farcical.

Everyone: Who doesn’t love children!

Amy & Tyson: We hate children and old people.

Everyone: Who doesn’t love doughnuts!

Amy & Tyson: Donuts remind us of children and old people.

Everyone: How good is oxygen!

Amy & Tyson: Meh

7. DON’T SERVE TERRIBLE FOOD THAT EVERYBODY HATES

Betty and David kick South East Asian ass with their first two courses of pork belly and barramundi, but oddly sourcing inspiration from a region famous for durian doesn’t bring the goods in the dessert stakes.

A green tea cream doughnut with green tea dark chocolate and green tea affogato served in a green tea bowl with a green tea garnish strikes Pete and Manu as being just a touch on the completely inedible side.

Put it this way: if you make Manu look like he remembered a time his fly was undone in public while minding a friend’s jar of snot, maybe add half a teaspoon of sugar.

Eet ees, ‘ow you say, ‘mucus’.

Jo Thornely is a writer who loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her @JoThornely