‘You’re s**t’: Gobsmacking Married At First Sight finale sledging

An odd walkout during the MAFS finale left producers scrambling — and raised eyebrows at home. James Weir recaps.

The Married At First Sight freaks get feral one last time during Monday’s reunion finale where they enthusiastically put to use the one lesson they’ve learned from this putrid experiment: that you can insult anyone as long as you preface it with the disclaimer, “I’m just holding you to account”.

It’s a fun trick. Incredibly useful in all areas of life.

Tomorrow, when you find yourself trapped in the office kitchenette while your annoying co-worker hogs the ZipTap because she simply must fill her seven litre Frank Green thermos to the brim, insult her hair extensions and then declare: “I’m just holding you to account!”

JAMES WEIR:Read all the recaps here

After enduring multiple episodes dedicated to final vows and a final dinner party, we’ve finally reached the actual finale. And it’s as pointless as … well, going on Married At First Sight to find love.

All the freaks are locked in the warehouse one last time and the experts wheel out a jumbotron to replay best-of footage of the season’s worst mistakes.

Do we need to explore the Lauren-Jono-Ellie triangle any further? Absolutely not. Still, that doesn’t stop the experts from investigating this situation and asking the important questions.

“Ellie, why didn’t you say hello to Lauren last night after she said hello to you?” the sexpert interrogates.

Clearly this final session with the psychologists is crucial, urgent and necessary.

When it comes time to watch Sara and Tim’s compilation of lowlights on the jumbotron, one co-star can’t help but heckle from the crowd.

“She just lies,” the usually sweet and smiley Cassandra yells.

Sara uses some of the communication techniques she has learnt from this experiment and reacts appropriately.

“That’s so f**king rude!” she spits.

Cassandra continues to heckle. “She lies to make herself look better! There’s nothing honest about her!”

We have no idea what has prompted Cassandra to cut sick on Sara but we really don’t care. We’re too busy enjoying watching Sara scream, “You don’t know me! You don’t know me!” like she’s a guest on Jerry Springer who’s defending herself against the booing studio audience.

They’re both just holding each other to account.

Then another heckler from the studio audience pipes up. It’s one of the gays and we know that he’s about to read Sara to filth because his blazer is caped over his shoulders.

Read her! READ HER!

“I came in at the beginning and thought you were cool but then I saw the real you and realised you’re sh*t,” he says.

Sara does her best not to inflame this already messy situatio-

“Oh shut up, Michael!” she gasps.

Cassandra jumps back in the ring to issue one final whack.

“You are the worst!” she yells.

The camera pans to Boring Jono as he chortles with laughter.

*Chortles in robot*

When it comes time for Jack and Tori, they continue to insist they’re the aspirational love story of this entire franchise.

“We’re great. In the best place we’ve ever been,” Tori coos.

Naw, that’s sweet. Now let’s shift our attention to the jumbotron and watch archive footage of Jack relentlessly talking about how he’s not sexually attracted to you! This compilation of lowlights is a real journey and it all builds up to the final vow ceremony, where Jack tortured his wife with a cruel speech.

So, after viewing all that, how does Tori feel now? Everyone turns to look at her, hoping she’ll finally dump the man she has spent three months defending.

“I have never experienced someone with so much logic,” she looks lovingly at her husband.

We almost choke on our glazed Christmas ham.

“He’s got, sometimes, too much logic,” she says.

This statement is … so not logical.

Illogical and in love.

John Aiken keeps pushing and probing Tori into dumping the top-knotted man by her side. Instead, she dumps Aiken and the rest of the freaks.

“I have nothing to say. I want to leave. Let’s go,” she declares, storming out of the reunion with Jack in tow.

A stunned junior producer with a headset runs over.

“What the f**k was that?” Tori whispers to Jack. “Were you taking the absolute piss?”

The junior producer doesn’t know if this statement is directed at her or Jack. And we’re not entirely sure either. But even if Tori is furious with Jack, she has already caused a scene and she needs to commit to it. They storm out of Trash Tower hand-in-hand.

‘One of the freaks has escaped. I repeat: ONE OF THE FREAKS HAS ESCAPED.’

“I wanna go. I’m not gonna f**kin’ stay here,” Tori spits. “I’m done with this.”

And so, with a thud, the stained curtain drops down on the Married At First Sight freakshow.

Facebook: @hellojamesweir