MAFS finals: Glaring hint instantly gives away Tori and Jack’s end

The booming MAFS climax that was feverishly teased finally aired — and one decision by producers immediately gave away the ending.

The Married At First Sight final vow climax that’s supposed to hook Australia is burnt within minutes by producers who overcook their Christmas ham.

Monday night’s boar of an episode follows on from a cliffhanger that’s meant to leave us squealing as series villain Jack seemingly gets hog-wild to mercilessly dump his hamstrung wife Tori. But it all goes up in smoke when producers get ham-fisted trying to sell the sizzle and not the bacon.

New to this show? Please excuse the very intelligent references to ham. They’re incredibly nuanced – probably a little too complicated to explain, but we’ll try. OK, here goes … Jack looks like a ham. Oh! That was wasn’t so complicated.

JAMES WEIR: Read all the recaps here

Pigs or it didn’t ham-pen.

Veteran viewers of reality TV know it’s the job of a producer to instigate drama, then use the ensuing histrionics as the carrot on a string to lure us into watching right until the end of each episode. The real drama never happens in the first 15 minutes.

So when Monday’s instalment of MAFS opens with Jack and Tori’s final vow ceremony (a supposedly catastrophic television event, as teased in the TV promos), we know producers are telling us porky pies.

All the classic tricks are pulled out of the bag. Ahead of the vow ceremony, footage flip-flops between Jack and Tori as they separately ponder their decisions. Tori craps on about how much she loves her husband. And Jack craps on about how he’s really not that keen. Uh-oh! Tension!

“I’m falling in love with Jack,” Tori coos. “I don’t think Jack’s going to reject me. But on the off chance he did, I’d be super blindsided.”

Cut to Jack: tossing up the possibility of rejecting Tori.

“I don’t wanna stay and waste anyone’s time if it’s not gonna work out,” he grunts. “If I get there and I finally do see the light and how I really do feel, I won’t be afraid to turn around and change my mind.”

Oh no! They’re not on the same page! This can only end in disaster!

This editing tactic is stale and producers stretch it harder than Jack’s XS blouse. By the time we arrive at the vow ceremony, we know what’s going to happen. The ending is more exposed than Jack’s mankles in his capri pants.

Nice trotters.

We could script everything that follows. Tori begins her vows by reflecting on the struggles they’ve endured as a couple before seguing into a bold declaration of love — a statement that hangs in the air as ominous music plays, daring Jack to shoot down his wife’s dream.

“I asked for someone who could give me an old school kind of love — we have exactly that,” Tori beams. “Jack, I have found the person I never wanna stop making memories with. I am falling in love with you”

On cue, the producers score this scene with screeching violins — like the shower scene in Psycho — in the hope we’ll use our hands to cover our faces and watch the looming horror through splayed fingers.

When it comes to Jack’s vows, the producers again take a classic approach — penning a speech that twists and turns between positives and negatives to keep us guessing about which way the decision will go. At first I thought I had met my soulmate BUT then I decided you’re really annoying HOWEVER I like that you let me use your logins for HBO Max and Binge ALTHOUGH I dislike that you don’t keep real milk in the fridge BUT IN CONCLUSION I guess I’ll stay with you until the contract I signed with the production company lapses.

Jack follows this pretty much verbatim.

“Tori, I’m sorry to say I didn’t commit myself to this process for a platonic relationship nor a teammate. We are not in love,” he declares.

The cymbals clash.

“So how can I commit to you and ask you to uproot and move your life to the Gold Coast? Tori before I leave today, I wanna thank you. Thank you for carving out this amazing journey with me. … And I’m sorry.”

Dun dun duuun!

There’s a long pause. Violins swirl. Producers even use this moment as a cliffhanger — throwing to a commercial break, hoping we’ll sit through a bunch of ads and wait feverishly for a brutal dumping we know isn’t really coming.

What about love!

When we return from the ad break, Jack’s still winding his way through the vows.

“Tori, I need to do what is best for me and ultimately best for you. I deserve an equal … moving forward with you is a massive risk …” he says.

Now, after all those zigs, here’s the zag.

“And it’s a risk I’m one hundred per cent ready to take,” he smiles. “Tori, I am absolutely head over heels for you and I can’t wait to fall in love.”

Phew! What a relief! The stress of the will-they-won’t-they — it was like Ross and Rachel all over again.

Footage of me rubbing my face on the glass cabinet in the Coles deli to look at the honey glazed ham.

So, after this red herring anticlimax fizzles out in the first 15 minutes, what happens during the rest of the 75-minute episode?

Dunno. Didn’t stick around.

Facebook: @hellojamesweir