James Weir recaps Married At First Sight 2020 episode 22

Lizzie has been sucker-punched and left bitterly insulted after her husband took a dig at a very personal subject. James Weir recaps.

Married At First Sight’s VIP wife is sucker-punched when her dream husband food-shames her again in front of the country, all because she doesn’t consume stupid things like water and vegetables.

She’s left shell-shocked, as if she’s just contracted a STI from a stranger’s bikini, which also almost happens to someone tonight.

“Pack some activewear!” Lizzie is told by her husband, Seb, as they prepare for their trip to his hometown of Adelaide.

Activewear? Ugh. We hate being active. Deal-breaker! This initial stage in a relationship is always the worst. You’ve got to pretend like you’re a half-decent person who enjoys going for hikes and loves being outdoors when really you just want to wear your Lululemon while you binge eat because the Lycra provides the perfect amount of stretch to accommodate your bloat.

Lizzie knows where it’s at. She’s a real person who doesn’t give in to aggressively peppy fitfluencers. The woman introduced us to junk food platters and handbag biscuits! She’s a god damn hero. But it turns out, her PT husband doesn’t appreciate Coles muffins like the rest of us.

We cut to rough-and-ready diary cam footage of Lizzie alone in the back seat of an Uber on the way to the airport. The voiceover lady tells us she left in a huff after a fight with Seb and this is the perfect example of why it’s always good to keep your handbag biscuit inventory well-stocked.

“He was calling me unhealthy because I didn’t wanna drink water before the flight because I was going to pee myself,” she tells the camera. “So he started calling me unhealthy. And he said I don’t eat vegetables, I don’t eat green things.”

Water? Vegetables? Ugh! We’re not babies. Being a grown up means actively choosing to not consume anything remotely healthy and learning that it’s absolutely acceptable to eat a family block of Cadbury Dairy Milk chocolate for dinner because we’re adults and we make the rules. Where does Seb get off? Clearly he’s the immature one.

Only babies eat vegetables, Seb.

“What is your business what I do eat and what I don’t eat?” she continues while we eat her handbag biscuits. “I just walked out because I just didn’t wanna have another person tell me how I’m unhealthy. I obviously do not want a repeat of last year … My weight was basically mocked.”

But Seb isn’t going to let go of this health intervention. In Adelaide, he takes matters into his own hands and makes Lizzie participate in physical activity the only way he knows how: by telling her he’s going to force-feed her a green juice. She does what all of us would do and runs away while screaming.

Me running away from healthy choices.

Meanwhile, Cathy and Josh’s relationship is in tatters which mean’s there’s nothing left to do but sleep and ignore all the problems.

How I sleep knowing my bills are overdue, my relationships are falling apart and unread texts and emails are piling up.

This entire episode is dedicated to visiting the boys’ crap shacks in their home towns, and you better believe we set up another visit with Josh’s protective mum Mandy to watch her rouse on Cathy again.

The couple makes a pact that Josh won’t dob on Cathy to his mum this time. But 30 seconds after arriving, we announce to the patio that Cathy is ignoring Josh again and then Josh dobs.

“Thrown under the bus straight away again!” Cathy fumes to us as Josh’s mum rouses on her.

“I think evidently the three days you isolated him evidently really hurt him,” Mandy scolds her daughter-in-law, evidently.

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Cathy’s had it. She could live with Josh’s weird haircut. But a possessive matriarch who rouses on her at every move while throwing around the word “evidently”? Nah fanks. They have a fight and she walks away crying and, evidently, they threaten to break-up again to get more screen time, evidently.

Up in Cairns, KC barges into Drew’s share house to confront the female roommate she’s jealous of. She’s devastated to learn just how hot she is.

Rack off, skank.

And the moral compass of the group, Michael and Stacey, continue to bound from strength to strength.

“I feel like we’re that ideal power couple that people look up to and aspire to be like us,” Stacey muses while stretching out in one of the pleather recliners in her husband’s home porn theatre.

I would not let my body touch any surface in here.

But even power couples have their struggles. Michael wants to go swimming but Stacey has forgotten to bring her bikini. So Michael digs through his home’s “lost and found” bin which is filled to the brim with unclaimed bikinis. He flings a grody pair of bikini bottoms in his wife’s face. She’s mortified on several levels.

“They won’t fit! They’re a size small! I’M AN EXTRA SMALL!” she huffs and, look, we get it. We’d also be offended if we were falsely accused of being a size small. To have vicious rumours circulating that we’re a small when really we’re an extra small is just damaging. But the disgust doesn’t stop there.

“These could have chlamydia in them!” she cringes as she peels the bikini bottoms off her face. “I’m not taking those chances! Put them in the bin.”

Yeah. They’re absolutely filthy and belong in the bin along with the water and the vegetables.

For more observations on bikini STDs and being an extra extra small, follow me on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram: @hellojamesweir