Jo Thornely recaps MKR: The MSG OMG episode

ON MKR, it turns out channelling a reality star doesn’t guarantee culinary success. Neither does dumping a whole load of natural chemical additives on your dishes.

DEPENDING on which promos you’ve seen and your definition of scandal, it’s just scandal after scandal on My Kitchen Rules this series.

First there was the “He said what?!” scandal, where Muscle Matt told Amy she was ‘batting Merrins’ and then blamed the unfriendly reaction on ‘too many feminists’.

Then there was the curry paste scandal, where a store-bought pre-prepared curry paste helped a beef satay have as little resemblance as possible to a beef satay.

And now: the MSG scandal. If anyone doesn’t know what MSG is, in Sunday night’s episode it’s a lot like OMG, but with a lot more thirst headaches.

OMG MSG WTF

It’s Caitie and Demi’s turn to cook, and they’ve been painted as the super-young fashionistas of Group 3, made obvious by their relentless references to fashion, Kardashians, and unnecessarily complex secret handshakes.

Haaaaaayyyyyy monosodium glutamate guuurrrrl

The girls say that they want their guests to feel like they’re at a fashion show, not realising that fashion shows are essentially the opposite of restaurants, the latter being where eating food is actually encouraged. They name their restaurant ‘Vogue Chic’, causing an unfortunate onslaught of comedy vogueing from the other contestants during their to-camera interviews.

You’ll only be our favourites if you stop this immediately.

The secondary theme of their instant restaurant is ‘fusion’, wherein they blend both Japanese and Italian influences, figuring it worked so well in World War II, why not at a catwalk-inspired dinner party?

Kitchen mastery beyond their years is evident as they start work on their sushi entree, but unfortunately all of Caitie and Demi’s salmon-slicing, ginger-pickling, rice-dousing skills are overshadowed by their fusion of mayonnaise and chemically-induced heart palpitations.

“I knew MSG was controversial, but I didn’t think it was this much of an issue” says Demi, after getting some extremely controversial reactions from her guests. “MSG: not for me” comments the unexpectedly poetic Mell, whereas Cyn lets her face do the talking.

Weird not to see her smiling for once.

To be fair, Caitie and Demi don’t know what MSG does, or that it’s third on the list of historic evils after Hitler and marzipan. Unfazed, they move quickly onto their main course, a Japanese hamburger.

With brioche buns made from scratch, miso-infused vegetables, a charming combination of beef and pork nicknamed ‘book’, and no MSG in sight, there are high hopes for the burgers. Alas, the girls miss their mark, much like every time they try to make successful food/fashion analogies.

“This is outfit number two for our fashion show” says Demi. “We want some big buns. I’m talking Kim Kardashian buns” she adds, not realising that fashion-based food puns are becoming almost as tiresome as matcha-based desserts on this show.

“The skewer in the burger provides stabilisation, kinds like when you’re wearing stilettos and you put a pair of wedges on” continues Caitie, generously urging us to think about both buttocks AND feet at mealtime.

They don’t quite hit the mark with the burger — for most people because there’s no real Japanese fusion evident and no crunch to its accompanying fries, but for Mell and Cyn it is, as usual, because they seem incapable of reading what’s written on a menu.

“I’m shocked that it’s actually a hamburger” criticises Cyn, who weirdly as a lawyer has to read and understand words all the time.

She doesn’t know that ‘hamburger’ is secret young-people code for ‘hamburger’.

Happily Caitie and Demi’s Japalian Italanese dessert fares much better. It’s ‘matchamisu’, a tiramisu served with matcha, a green tea powder required by law to be included in MKR desserts, instead of the traditional coffee. It seems Judge Colin’s general rule against cooking with powders that come out of packets only extends to MSG, not matcha powder, although maybe he’s just got something against chest pain and migraines.

“I feel as though that should have been a coffee buttercake” moans Mell, deepening my serious concern that neither she nor Cyn actually understand the idea that a menu’s job is to give strong hints about what’s on the menu.

To be fair they thought the application form was for Deal or No Deal

The successful dessert drags Caitie and Mel’s score up to 60, meaning that they’re now coming second out of a possible two. Just in time, too — the girls were running out of Kardashians to reference.

Jo Thornely is a writer who loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her @JoThornely