Jo Thornely recaps MKR: Let’s meet the second group of contestants

IN LESS time than it takes to burn a piece of Goldband Snapper, we’re onto the second group of MKR contestants, and already there are some pretty strong personalities.

WOAH.

Suddenly, in less time than it takes to burn a piece of Goldband Snapper, we’re onto the second group of MKR contestants, and already there are some pretty strong personalities. Like, not as strong as the garlic in Bek and Ash’s vegetable tart from Group One, but close.

So who’s who in the new crew?

Albert and Dave — More Asian Than Asia

At no point are we to forget that brothers Albert and Dave are of Asian origin. From their Hong Kong birth, to their thoroughly Asian menu, to their origami-soaked instant restaurant set-up, to their traditional Chinese costume:

Here we have a traditional Chinese 90s raver.

The only thing not typically Asian about Albert and Dave is that, with the exception of egg custard tarts, they seem mildly terrible at cooking Asian food. Mind you, Albert says “broth” in the same way a big dog does a quiet little bark right before someone knocks on the door, and I could listen to that all day.

Kelsey and Amanda — Trebles Without A Pause

As busy mums, sisters Kelsey and Amanda like to describe themselves as busy mums, but in voices that make people long for the comparatively gentle and pleasant strains of a primary school recorder concert. These ladies are next-level shrill, and exactly as good at counting as their general demeanour suggests.

“So what’s 21 take away 35 … twelve?” checks Kelsey, who works in a bank when she’s not on maternity leave.

Maths is hard.

When it’s Kelsey and Amanda’s turn to cook, there’ll actually be no way of knowing if they’ve set off the smoke alarm.

Court and Duncan — Emotional Graffiti

If there’s any doubt that we’re to label this couple Group Two’s ‘hipsters’, the producers have helpfully introduced them in a Melbourne laneway full of graffiti. They have a cute couple move called ‘credit card’ which is 10% shouting “CREDIT CARD!” and 90% public sexual touching, which may become extremely dangerous in the kitchen. Court describes herself as “a recovering vegan and vegetarian”, and her relatively low iron levels seem to have reduced her ability to maintain a steely composure. To say Court is a crier is an understatement — she could represent Australia in the Empathy Olympics.

Oh no, the boys got a good score:

Oh no, there’s oxygen present.

OH THE HIPSTER HUMANITY

Josh And Amy — Smells Like Fish

A deckhand and teacher from Broome, Josh and Amy’s story will no doubt centre around the fact that they live in a red-earthed coastal paradise where you can catch five fish just by hanging a picture of a prawn out the car window.

I get the feeling that we’re supposed to dislike Josh because he has strong opinions about seafood, but then so do fish, and I LOVE fish. Really the only dislikable thing about Josh and Amy so far is the fact that their lifestyle is probably perfect and they’re just better people than us.

The only downside is that their dog hates stunning ocean views.

“We’re here to put Broome on the map” says Josh, but he’s too late. I checked.

Already there.

Della and Tully — Braaaaiiiiinnnns

Della and Tully describe themselves as ‘BFFs from sunny Queensland’, and as a construction lawyer and indigenous health worker respectively, it may just be the company they keep at tonight’s table, but they almost seem too smart to be on this show.

I have it on good authority that smart people do this a lot.

I suspect that among the people they know, Della and Tully are known as ‘the loud ones’, but sitting across from Kelsey and Amanda at the dinner table, they almost come across as two particularly shy mice with mouse laryngitis by comparison. So far it’s a highly endearing loudness level. Time will tell.

Alyse and Matt — It’s Okay, You’re Not Supposed To Like Them

Despite how you usually feel about people whose aim it is to thrash the competition in fashions-on-the-field at Queensland horse races, who buy thousand-dollar shoes and spend a lot of time at the gym developing purportedly ‘glorious muscles’, oddly enough Alyse and Matt are being painted as bitchy, competitive, and shallow.

But everyone with this as their Tinder profile is usually so LOVELY

If Amy and Tyson from Group One have taught us anything though, this couple will be able to cook like utter champions, even if they have to overcome terrible things like local puffed wheat shortages.

Unless, of course, if Matt turns Australia against him by saying something at the table that grossly offends everyone, as the show’s promos strongly suggest.

My guess is the word “YOLO”.

We’ll see.

Jo Thornely is a writer who loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her @JoThornely