Jo Thornely recaps First Dates Australia 2017 episode 5

THIS woman was matched on First Dates with a guy who turned out to be a complete dud. And the way it ended came out of nowhere.

I DON’T know how much watching First Dates teaches us about love, but it does teach us that we’re garbage at guessing how the dates are going to end. It’s like humans are mysterious creatures and not just mammals that have sex for pleasure or something.

JANA AND CHRIS

“Dolphins are the only mammals that have sex for pleasure,” says Jana to her date Chris, in one of roughly a thousand attempts to prove to him that she’s extremely sexy.

Dolphins are the only mammals who kiss Perspex.

Chris, a pleasant-mannered IT expert who would probably be very good at conversation if he ever got the chance, remains a general mystery to us in the face of a wall of proof of Jana’s sexiness.

“I design lingerie” she says, sipping her drink as seductively as possible. “Specialised for the bedroom, so a bit naughty, a bit sassy” she adds, reminding Chris that she hasn’t mentioned she’s very aware of genitals for a couple of minutes.

Dolphins are the only mammals who drink from a straw.

“I put that in my mouth too quickly,” Jana says of a hot potato. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to say it like that,” she continues, totally meaning to say it like that.

Dolphins are not the only mammals tired of this topic.

“I’m a bit of a Samantha,” Jana purrs as soon as she’s established that Chris knows enough about Sex And The City to realise that means she’s sexy.

“Charlotte was always my favourite,” responds Chris, abruptly resisting Jana’s magnetic pull.

At Awkward Question Time, Jana lets Chris down gently when she rejects him, no doubt feeling certain she’s disappointed him.

Dolphins, Chris, and all mammals are quietly relieved.

ANDREW & MADDIE

Okay, so the only thing Andrew seems to be able to do is dance.

This move is called the Have You Seen My Newspaper

The thing is, he’s so joyously good at it and lost in his own world when he’s dancing that it’s all he actually needs to be good at.

This move is called the Have You Seen My Baguette

The only two things Andrew’s date Maddie seems to be able to do are criticise Andrew and say “mm hmm”.

Unfortunately, because Andrew is so nervous, the last thing he needs is criticism and people who say “mm hmm”. He all but loses the power of speech, turning this into the world’s most uncomfortably long silence.

Mm hmm yep mm hmm

Andrew tries to offer Maddie some steak, but she criticises the piece he chooses.

Andrew tries to offer Maddie some fish, but she criticises the way he cuts it up.

Maddie asks Andrew to lift her seat off her handbag, and then criticises the height he lifts it to.

There’s really only one thing for Andrew, egged on by a couple of shots brought by utter legend Barman Cam, to do.

BREAK OUT THOSE MOVES, BUDDY.

This move is called the Have You Seen Me Trying To Save This Date.

Andrew’s moves knock over a vase, so when he and Maddie move from the awkward date to the even more excruciating Awkward Question Time, we all brace ourselves.

For the unexpected.

Maddie gladly agrees to a second date and they dance their way through the twist ending.

This move is called the AW YISS

ASHLEY AND SASKIA

After all this trying very very hard, we need something relaxed, easy and straightforward.

I dunno, something like two people who instantaneously have a massive crush on each other, such as Ashley and Saskia.

I was thinking I’d have the steak

No WAY I was thinking the steak and a June wedding

Nobody’s trying to be anything they’re not, it’s all just laughs, smiles, and Ashley trying to keep her boobs inside her dress. “My boob’s popping out,” she apologises. “It’s just coming out to say hello to you”.

Hey boob, what’s up

About the only thing wrong with this date is the fact that the traditional accompaniment to steak in the First Dates restaurant is the classically-shaped wang mushroom, a dramatic device devoid of purpose on an all-girl date.

Look at it, just lying there.

We know what’s going to happen. Nobody gets along this well and naturally without wanting a second date. Go on. Do the thing where you kiss and everybody says “nawwww”.

Nawwww.

Unfortunately the ‘where are they now’ bit at the end tells us that Ashley and Saskia don’t end up as a couple. Shut up, ‘where are they now’ bit at the end. Nobody likes you.

HANNAH & CRAIG

As laid-back as that date was, we can’t relax yet. Sure, divorcee parents Hannah and Craig seem completely chill when they first meet, but it’s all a ruse.

Heyyyy you look hardly annoying at all in this light.

The truth is, Craig is determined to describe to Hannah what a wacky and interesting guy he is, without the added convenience of having to do anything actually wacky or interesting.

He tells Hannah that he’s a policeman AND a dancer.

JACKPOT!

He tells Hannah he sometimes does the housework in a mankini.

Waiter, cancel my order for wang mushroom

He tells Hannah he actually owns SIX mankinis.

Waiter, cancel my order for everything.

By the time Craig tells Hannah how funny he is and how incredible his skill with Dad jokes is, you can tell she’s done. She’s reached the pit of date despair. Unfortunately for Hannah, the pit has a basement, and it contains the saddest story ever told.

See, Craig was sitting home alone one night watching television by himself, all comfy on the couch with a blankie on his knees, when he told himself a joke — out loud — about the show he was watching, and then laughed — out loud — at the funny funny joke he just told. Isn’t that hilarious? Isn’t he wacky and interesting?

Maybe when I open my eyes he’ll be gone.

We know these two aren’t going on a second date. We know it from the despairing pit of our hearts.

What we don’t know is how incredulous we’ll be when Craig rejects Hannah. CRAIG. Rejects HANNAH. It is the WTF face that echoes around the nation.

Hannah babe, we feel you so hard right now.

Jo Thornely is a writer who loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her @JoThornely