James Weir recaps The Bachelorette Australia 2017 episode 6

IN FIERY scenes, Sophie Monk has torn apart The Bachelorette’s villain during a private date — and banished him from the series.

JUST when we thought someone chucking a piss on Jarrod’s pot plant provided unbeatable drama on The Bachelorette, a fed-up Sophie Monk has eclipsed the moment by slapping down the series’ villain and banishing him from the show entirely.

As the old adage goes: Piss or get off the pot plant.

To be honest, the last few weeks have been a bit flat with significantly less drama than what the ladies were offering on The Bachelor. But now someone has chucked a whiz-whaz in Jarrod’s pot plant and Sophie’s going around kicking people out before official rose ceremonies and this is totally what I signed up for.

In the opening scenes of Thursday night’s episode, the mood is sombre. The boys sit around on the patio, mourning the four they “lost” the previous night.

But suddenly, the sorrow lifts when Luke walks out wearing a three-quarter wool-lined denim trench coat. We all laugh at him and I’m humiliated that I went around telling everyone how sexy I think he is.

It looks like an Etsy find.

James scores the single date and we head to Circular Quay where they do a street performance and the only thing that really happens here is Sophie steals my signature dance move.

THIEF.

You know, I’ve been totally judging you all for loving James so much over the past few weeks. Since week one, everyone has been obsessed with him and I just didn’t get it. I thought he was a total push over and slightly odd. But I’m happy to admit when I’m wrong and I’m thrilled to say I, too, would lick James’ face now.

“I really like you, you’re a really good person,” he tells Sophie over wine.

And then they press their foreheads together for an uncomfortably long time.

“Pantene 2-in-1?”

Sophie’s so enamoured she asks if she can kiss him and of course he says yes and then his post-kiss smile cements my feelings for him.

If a guy looks like this after kissing you don’t ever let him go.

The next day, I get up bright and early and pull on my Lorna Jane, make the school lunches that adhere to the strict criteria outlined by the teacher in last week’s newsletter, scroll through Mamamia and then pile the boys into the Honda Odyssey to drop them off at school.

‘Bye beautiful boys don’t be complete assholes today mummy loves you!’

Of course, Osher has a stupid series of games he’s forcing us to play. But I catch a glimpse of something that indicates this task might be OK.

If someone doesn’t fashion these Textas into a pistol then this show isn’t being produced correctly.

It turns out not even connectable Textas are enough to make Osher’s game interesting and it ends in us sitting around actually doing math.

Correct.

Ryan is crowned the winner of the game and gets private time with Sophie, Osher says something about “cunning linguist” and the bell rings just in time so we don’t have to deal with that sex joke.

Remember Ryan? He’s got the looks of someone on a Wanted poster and the attitude of someone who’d get out of his car at a red light to yell at a fellow motorist.

During their private time, Ryan tells Sophie he’s a very private person and likes his relationships out of the spotlight.

1) Maybe Ryan shouldn’t be looking for love on Channel Ten’s reality TV show The Bachelorette.

2) If he does end up in a relationship with Sophie, I just know he’ll probably try glass a pap outside the Coogee Pavilion.

He says he can’t tell if Sophie is worth is right now. And with that, a fed-up Sophie promptly slaps him down.

She basically points out he’s a bit of a wang and brings up the comments he made a few weeks ago when he said he only wants a girl who looks good and doesn’t swear.

“I’m sure I wanna be here and fall in love. You’re not sure,” she says. “And there’s guys that definitely want to be with me. And I want someone that loves me 100 per cent.”

And then SHE BANISHES HIM FROM THE BACHELORETTE MANSION.

“I want someone that wants me — so I’m gonna choose them over you,” she says firmly. “I just think you should go off and meet the right girl.”

Ryan gets up and slumps off through the garden.

“F*ck. It’s f*ckin bullshit,” he spits, and I kind of wish producers made him stay in that embarrassing school uniform for this humiliating elimination.

All of us.

And just when we think the drama can’t get any more intense, someone chucks a piss in Jarrod’s pot plant.

It all comes to light at the cocktail party. Sophie walks in and Jarrod lunges at her an demands another chat.

‘Oh cripes you again.’

Grappling for a conversation starter, Sophie informs Jarrod that the potplant he gifted her last week has sprouted. But Jarrod has a confession. The seeds he planted in her honour have not grown at all.

He then makes a joke about his “seed”.

Sophie actually says “Ugghhh” and grimaces.

Jarrod concludes that the other boys have sabotaged his plant and declares he’s going to confront the group and we encourage him to do it immediately while the cameras are rolling.

“I have one question to ask: Did anyone annihilate my plant? Did anyone take the seeds out? Did anyone rough the shit up?” he asks the boys.

Speculation starts circulating that someone‘s peed in Jarrod’s pot plant and I don’t care if this is a rumour — we’re just going to treat it as fact because it’s too amazing.

Jarred goes and grabs the evidence.

Jarrod’s pot plant i.e. a toilet

“The soil looks dry,” someone observes

Jarrod digs his hands into the dirt and lets it crumble between his fingers.

“No, it actually is wet,” he informs the boys.

Everyone is horrified that Jarrod’s basically put his hands in a toilet.

“It could be piss! Jarrod don’t put your hand in it!” they shriek.

Jarrod then smoodges his hand into the eco-toilet again and actually sniffs his fingers.

If a Bachelorette contestant pees on a potplant and no one’s around to see it, did it actually happen?

The boys basically confirm someone cut sick on it but they don’t clarify who and then Jarrod declares he’ll “go ten fold on your ass” to the guy that did it and we all laugh at him.

At the rose ceremony, we keep Jarrod in because we want to see if someone pees in his pot plant again.

It comes down to two intruders. The bald one. And another one whose name I can’t remember but he reminds me of that guy in the US who spent all that money on plastic surgery to look like Justin Bieber but he still doesn’t look like Justin Bieber.

Who goes home? The not-Justin Bieber.

The mystery pee-er remains at large.

For more observations on connectable Textas and my signature dance move, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir

(L) Not-Justin Bieber. And the bald one.