James Weir recaps The Bachelorette Australia 2017 episode 5

AFTER four intruders infiltrated The Bachelorette, Sophie went on a culling spree. And it all became too much to handle.

SOPHIE Monk has become so overwhelmed with the lack of interesting men on The Bachelorette that she’s ran out of a rose ceremony — before returning to cull four.

“Can I have a second,” she asked producers as she exited the room, her stilettos clapping against the wooden floorboards.

It was an emotional end to a big day for Sophie. Earlier, four intruders were lowered into The Bachelorette mansion from a helicopter like a food drop in a third world country.

But the new options meant Sophie was tasked with dumping four others and it all became too much for her.

I totally know how she feels. It’s like when you run out of storage on your Mac and you keep getting those annoying pop-ups telling you to delete something so you have to decide which movie to dump in the trash: The First Wives Club or Miss Congeniality? I wouldn’t wish that situation on anyone.

It’s also revealed a mature-age student is among us. Mature-age students are the worst. They ask too many questions in an attempt to show their enthusiasm. They’re fascinated by well-known facts because they don’t know how to find them out for themselves on the internet. They wear annoying scarfs and talk about podcasts from five years ago. They have houses — which they’ve paid off. Total punishes.

But Wednesday night’s episode begins with happier times. In perhaps the most perfect scene of the series, we watch Sophie Monk draped in pearls and wearing a chiffon headscarf as she whirls through Sydney’s eastern suburbs in a white vintage convertible.

Me on my way to work.

She pulls up and Apollo is super jazzed. He has that amazing quality where he’s so hot that he can be a massive dork and still look sexy. I do not possess this quality and end up despising myself every time I move and/or talk.

Perfection.

Apollo jumps into the convertible without opening the door because he’s that cool and then Sophie floors it — her chiffon headscarf fluttering in the wind behind them.

For this 1950s date, they’re both super nervous and into each other. The chemistry is electric and their animal instincts take over.

Sophie Monk, a leggy blonde native to Australia’s Gold Coast, shows her keen interest in the targeted mate.

The heat between them becomes too much and it all ends with Apollo showing Sophie how to play with his balls.

We’re all mesmerised by Apollo’s bouncing balls.

The following day, Sophie receives word that she’s to meet the boys urgently in a field for a big surprise.

Unsatisfied with the men originally supplied, producers have urgently scouted four new offerings for Sophie in the hope one is a better fit. The new men are blindfolded and pushed into an aircraft which sets out on mission. As the helicopter hovers over a field near The Bachelorette mansion, the men are pushed out and delivered to Sophie like a food drop in a third world country.

It’s exquisite.

Having intruders infiltrate a series a few weeks in is a fantastic opportunity to finally get some half-decent guys in the mix. But to be honest, these four are all a bit meh.

“They’re old!” one of the OGs shrieks as the men appear from the helicopter and that pretty much sums it up.

One's called Guy and he’s a 37-year-old optometrist with a British accent that some might think is charming but I just find annoying because he takes ages to complete one sentence.

“He didn’t look me in the eye — he’s an asshole!” Sam declares, not understanding the reason none of us look him in the eye is because of his disastrous weave.

Next up is a bald 37-year-old chef who’s basically Matt Moran.

Then there’s a guy called Paul. There’s something about him that bugs me straight away. I don’t listen to anything he says because I’m too distracted just sitting here being annoyed. Then it’s revealed he’s a mature-age student and it all just makes sense. Mature-aged students are the worst.

“blah blah group assignment blah blah blah student discount at the movies blah”

But the man we’ve all been waiting to meet is Stu: A 44-year-old third generation publican who’s heir to a $500 million fortune. Word on the street is Sophie met him before going on this show and it all comes to light immediately.

“Do you remember?!” Stu asks her as she runs over.

“Yeah! I bumped into you before!” she laughs.

Sophie gives a vague explanation of how they met but it’s not very thorough. It involves Sydney Harbour and Sophie desperately needing a boat for her friends and Stu randomly organising that boat but just as it was about to set sail, Sophie leapt off back to the dock, leaving Stu alone with her friends. They stared into each other’s eyes until the boat rounded Bennelong Point and disappeared out of sight. I may have filled in some of these blanks myself but I believe that’s roughly what happened.

Anyway, Sophie and Stu have been mad keen on each other since and he’s the one who’s probably going to win.

It needs to be pointed out, Stu calls himself a publican but he doesn’t even know how to pour champagne properly and that shit’s suspicious.

The excitement of the four old people arriving is disturbed when Osher pops up and forces everyone to play another game he’s made up that involves bikes and sticks and balls and Jarred going bright pink and embarrassing himself.

Jarrod — who reminds me of the guy I went to primary school with who made robot noises when he ran — goes absolutely ballistic and ends up crashing into Blake, who’s on his own team.

The only really important thing to note from this outing is that Harry is wearing a shirt with a pizza emoji embroidered on it and it’s really the most delightful thing I’ve seen in a long time.

I have no doubt his mum embroidered this for him.

At the rose ceremony, all the guys line up, still in their blue and white polos from the game earlier in the day. It could be The Bachelorette rose ceremony. Or it could be the staff photo for a suburban franchise of The Good Guys.

The Bachelorette: Pay less.

One by one, the boys get a rose — but the fact four will be going home looms over the room.

With five boys left standing in front of Sophie, only one is allowed to stay. She picks up the final rose. She hesitates. Looking down at the rose, show delicately rubs the individual petals between her finger tips.

“Can I have a second?” she whispers. “One second,” she repeats. She begins to walk out of the room but her pace quickens and she breaks into a run, her heels clapping against the hardwood floors. “One second,” she says again, her voice breaking.

Out on the patio, we hide behind a potplant as we watch Osher comfort a sobbing Sophie.

“It’s so mean,” she whimpers.

We lie and tell her it’s totally not mean and encourage her to head on back in and publicly dump those four clowns.

She returns and gives the final rose to that bald Matt Moran intruder.

“What the f*ck!” he blurts out, as we all silently regret letting him through.

So who gets eliminated? These three 20-year-old mates who’ve been forced by the lecturer to include this mature age student into their group assignment.

For more observations on headscarves and mature age students, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir

And please submit four copies to Assignment Minder not just one.