James Weir recaps SAS Australia 2023 episode 3

Uncomfortable scenes are experienced by these Australian celebs on primetime TV. James Weir recaps the drama.

This constipation subplot is really causing tension in the camp.

A constipation nightmare explodes on Wednesday’s episode of SAS Australia as the bowels of the celebrity contestants stall harder than their careers.

Good riddance to local scripted drama. We don’t need it!

Deborah Mailman couldn’t pull of the nuance and raw emotion that’s required in a constipation subplot.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the SAS recaps here

The celebrities on SAS Australia talk a lot of crap but, apparently, that’s where it begins and ends.

“Has anyone not pooed since we’ve been here?” asks rugby player Mahalia Murphy.

She’s standing in the middle of the campsite, clutching her stomach. Her face is straining with frustration. There’s a faint groaning noise churning from her stomach.

Our celebrities are 72-hours into this extreme reality show and a diet of plain rice and boiled eggs is taking its toll. Yesterday, AFL commentator Abbey Holmes was also struggling. But time and perseverance appears to have sorted the issue.

“I’ve pooed now,” Abbey sighs to Mahalia. “Have you pooed now?”

Mahalia’s envious of Abbey’s hard-won relief. She has to use all her self-control not to throw her Thermos at the commentator’s head.

“I haven’t pooed,” Mahalia holds back tears.

Tim Robards, the hunky former star of The Bachelor, stands on the sidelines, pretending he’s a human Ken doll who has no idea what human bodily functions are.

This constipation subplot is really causing tension in the camp.

This whole situation is a complete missed opportunity for product integration. Metamucil reps are probably on the phone right now to Seven’s ad sales department, inquiring as to why the fibre brand wasn’t approached to take part in a segment on the TV show.

“We can give you some space if you need it?” Abbey tells her backed-up co-star.

Jeez, Abbey – she doesn’t need space, she needs some fricken vegetables.

In a cruel twist of fate, Mahalia is put on toilet cleaning duties.

Anyway, Mahalia better be careful what she wishes for. While living in a campsite with third-world facilities, it’s better to be in her current sluggish situation than having to deal with the complete opposite. Speaking of things that are explosive, Olympic swimmer Stephanie Rice dislocates her shoulder and almost blows up the entire cast with a grenade.

In one of the many convoluted challenges, the former face of rice dives onto the ground and lets out a guttural grown. Her shoulder hangs from its socket. But she’s not a quitter. With her bung arm, she attempts to throw a live grenade. Her limp limb has no control and she winds up just lazily lopping the explosive directly in front of where she’s standing.

It ends in the kind of explosion Mahalia dreams of.

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