James Weir recaps SAS Australia 2023 episode 2

It’s just 48 hours into this extreme reality show, and the celebrity campmates are already being humiliated beyond belief.

Cocaine Cassie quits SAS Australia on Tuesday night after being pushed to the brink by her posh celebrity campmates and their endless bitching about not having access to hair products, eye masks and white noise machines.

Falling asleep to the soothing sounds of migrating whales should be the least of their worries. It’s just 48-hours into this extreme reality show and they’re already being humiliated beyond belief — all for the promise of a reinvigorated career and a pay cheque that barely leaves them with enough money to buy a used Mitsubishi Mirage.

It’s bad for them but it’s worse for us. We’re the ones who have to suffer through long explanations from the celebrities about dramas and scandals that happened 15 years ago. It’s like getting trapped in a window seat next to an old person on a long-haul flight and they won’t shut up about how their Olympic swimming career was completely destroyed because they posted a homophobic tweet and got dumped as the face of SunRice.

SAS AUSTRALIA: James Weir recaps episode 1

Last night’s premiere opened with a brutal interrogation of Cocaine Cassie who made grim revelations about her three years in a Colombian prison. And tonight, those raw confessions keep coming from the other celebs.

“I haven’t done a poo yet,” winces football commentator Abbey Holmes.

So she stands outside the long-drop toilets, staring at the others who are doing what she cannot.

The look of jealousy.

“All of our little butts go on these holes,” some chick from Neighbours pipes up from one of the stalls.

Then she starts freaking out that someone will peek over the door.

“ … It’ll be awkward if one of the guys comes over and looks over the side — ugh, people looking at my vagina,” she says.

Olympic diver Matthew Mitcham, who’s sitting on the neighbouring long-drop, furrows his brow at the observation. “How high up is your vagina?”

“How high is YOUR vagina?” the Neighbours girl yells back.

Meanwhile, the woman who can’t poop is still standing outside the stalls, just death-staring the other two.

I SEE YOU WATCH-ING ME WATCH-ING YOU.

All of this is just humiliating. It’s amazing the lengths some people in showbiz will go to in order to avoid working a normal 9-5 job. One of the tabloid magazines reported this week most of these bozos signed on to this freakshow for less than $30,000. After tax, that’s loose change. You could literally make the same amount of cash by selling macaroni necklaces on Etsy — and you wouldn’t have to reveal your darkest secrets before getting stripped naked and thrown out of a helicopter.

Across the other side of the campsite, Lindy Klim is suffering.

“I can’t go to sleep without a podcast and whale sounds and a machine that purifies the air and an eye mask,” she says.

Cocaine Cassie tries to relate to her.

“I’d literally been in prison three days and I was standing in the line to go get food and this girl comes up behind me and she shoved two homemade knives into the backs of my arms,” she says.

Cool story, Cass — but stop trying to hijack Lindy’s experience. If you really wanna be helpful, turn that shiv anecdote into a podcast so Lindy can fall asleep to it.

Cass, please show some respect for Lindy’s pain.

It all becomes too much for Lindy and she quits. No one should ever be expected to live without whale sounds and an air purifier.

“I feel quite chuffed that I managed to get through two days,” she nods.

And it seems Tim Robards, who appeared as The Bachelor a million years ago, might be the next to quit because of the restrictions on access to basic living necessities.

“In my society, there’s a certain level of wanting to look a certain way,” he says in a brave piece-to-camera, practically choking back tears as he reveals the unrealistic pressures being placed upon him. “I wash my face and moisturise. I dye my hair, dye my beard. I use a scrub a couple times a week.”

Ooh! Moisturiser and a scrub? Didn’t realise you were from France.

‘So, a lot of you have been asking me about my skincare routine …’

The soldiers here this confession loud and clear. You wanna cleanse and exfoliate ya face? You got it! The celebrities are promptly made crawl through a tunnel filled with muddy water.

Dr Craig Challen, the guy who saved those kids who were trapped in the Thai cave, gets trapped himself and has to be yanked out of the pipe. And Cocaine Cassie calls time on her reality TV appearance, quitting on the spot.

There’s easier ways to redeem her reputation. Like trafficking macaroni necklaces on Etsy.

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Cass needs to rest up with a white noise machine like our girl Lindy Klim.