James Weir recaps SAS Australia 2022 episode 1 | premiere

Aussie TV viewers have copped a confronting scene — with a celeb forced to strip naked in an excruciating stunt. James Weir recaps.

There’s only one show that can go head-to-head with Married At First Sight when it comes to national humiliation and ACMA complaints: SAS Australia.

Channel 7’s extreme reality show is also the punk rock cousin of Channel 10’s nerdy I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. The latter is child’s play. Eating bugs? That’s for wimps. On SAS, the celebrities are pushed out of a helicopter and then all their dark secrets are exposed on prime time television for us to laugh at.

It’s our version of prestige programming and it comes with a crème de la crème cast of Australia’s finest out-of-work tabloid identities.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here

Every year, we submit a formal letter to Channel 7, detailing the celebrities we’d like to see tortured on upcoming seasons of SAS. It reads like a really toxic Christmas wish list. Producers never meet our demands but that doesn’t stop us campaigning.

This year, our big ticket items included Nadia Bartel, following her Kmart plate controversy. Georgia Love, off the back of the meme scandal. Covid crusader Sam Frost. And game show bad boy Andrew O’Keefe.

Cocaine Cassie is a name that appears on our list every year but until her parole time ends in Colombia, a foray into extreme reality TV will have to wait.

On Monday’s premiere, the bus rolls up in the middle of nowhere and all the celebrities pile out. We’re unfamiliar with most of them but a few faces stand out. There’s a lot of “formers”. Locky Gilbert, former star of Survivor and The Bachelor. Anna Heinrich, former contestant on The Bachelor. Melissa Tkautz, former singer and TV star. Geoff Huegill, former Olympian.

Former cocaine dealer Richard Buttrose, the nephew of Australian media doyenne Ita Buttrose, is also involved. We applaud producers for thinking outside the box. The great thing about casting Richard is Ita probably hates that he’s airing the family laundry on such a tacky TV show. Imagining her irritation is something that delights us immensely.

Married At First Sight is known for its shock factor. And while SAS Australia does some pretty edgy stuff, there’s absolutely no way it can compete with-

“You will be set on fire!” head soldier Ant Middleton screams at the celebrities.

Then he throws petrol on them and lights a match.

The face of instant regret.

The task? Run to a nearby river and jump in before the flames consume your entire body.

“But I can’t run very well!” former singer Melissa Tkautz screams as the flames spread across her polyester jacket.

Welp, ya better limp quick, hon.

We watch as she frantically hobbles towards the water like a doddering fireball and flops in.

Hobble faster!

Locky Gilbert is one of the celebrities hoping to get a redemption story out of this. When he was on Survivor, audiences fell in love with the guy. But then we all turned on him after The Bachelor. I can’t remember exactly why we turned — it was no doubt over something incredibly trivial. But the reason doesn’t matter. The point is, there was backlash and he’s in our bad books until he redeems himself.

“I’m an egotistical fame wh*re,” he shrugs in a straight-to-camera interview.

Annnd I think I just remembered why we turned on him.

“I’ve done three TV shows — this is my fourth TV show. Fame and notoriety is what some people live for. I don’t hide it.”

OK. We’ve had enough — set him on fire.

Run, binch.

After they jump in the lake and extinguish the flames, the celebrities are told to strip and change into dry clothes. Yes, that means they’re naked. And no, the cameramen don’t allow modesty. It’s full-frontal B-list nudity as far as the eye can see.

At first, we decide to be mature and tasteful about it.

And then a naked Pauly Fenech decides to spread ‘em.

One-up this, MAFS.

“Clearly a confident individual,” one of the soldiers nods at Pauly. “Must be hung like an Afghan yak … or not.”

Another soldier looks the comedian up and down. “No helmet required,” he observes.

The tasks that follow are a little more civilised. The celebrities are locked in a plane and submerged underwater until they almost drown. And then Olympic swimmer Geoff Huegill is interrogated about that time he got charged with cocaine possession.

It all begs the question: is getting set on fire and then stripping naked on TV really preferable to just doing regular nine-to-five work?

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir

There’s something in this screenshot that should’ve been blurred more.