James Weir recaps SAS Australia 2021 episode 12

One of the stars on SAS Australia has collapsed after completing an assault course, and the soldiers reacted with their trademark lack of sympathy.

SAS Australia continues to burrow to the core of hard truths in an emotionally charged episode on Monday night that bravely tackles one of society’s most controversial debates: are sweet potato fries better than normal fries?

It takes a lot of courage to voice your opinion when it comes to these sorts of hot-button topics. Can’t wait for Sam Frost to weigh in.

And in a last-minute race to squeeze out every remaining headline-grabbing moment before Wednesday’s finale, producers also devise a plot tonight to make Sam Burgess break down.

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How many celebs are left? Nine? Twelve? Five … ish? No, that’s right – there are five celebrities remaining. Jana Pittman, Sam Burgess, Dan Ewing, Mark Philippoussis and John Steffensen.

The stars are tossed some pens and loose-leaf paper and told to write a “death letter” to their loved ones, should they die in fake combat. While all five must complete the task, we know this entire exercise is purely a trick to get Sam Burgess to break down while talking about his troubled family life one final time. The production company paid a rumoured $150,000 for him to be here, so they want their money’s worth.

As Sam reads aloud a passage addressed to his brothers, he begins to sob. But it’s the paragraphs addressed to his two young kids that leaves him shattered.

The producers are really squeezing as much juice as they can out of Sam.

“Poppy and Billy. The taste of your favourite food and the salt you taste in your tears, that’s me,” he cries. “I live on through you both, in every which way. So, in moments of sadness, you can find me anywhere if you look hard enough. You’re my last thought and my last breath but, most importantly, I’ll be in your hearts forever. Most of all, believe in yourselves, like your father does so on and forever. Love you, Dad.”

It’s moving, raw and heartbreaking. All the letters are. The celebrities slump on the floor and weep over each other’s words. They’ll all probably keep these handwritten notes forever and pass them down to their childr-

“You guys wanna burn these?” Mark holds up his piece of paper and shrugs.

Wait. What? Surely none of them will throw these meaningful keepsakes into the-

Burn, binch.

After tossing their letters into the raging flames, the celebrities huddle together and wrap their arms around one another. It has only been 10 days but it’s the most intense time of their lives. The bonds they’ve formed will never be broken. And, even after this fake war they’re battling ceases, they pledge to remain tethered to each other. It’s like those school retreat camps, where everyone bonds over trust and honesty activities. Unlikely friendships are built between former enemies. The universe as you once knew it completely changes. Then everyone returns to school on the Monday and Libby is a complete witch to you again.

Now we need to lighten the mood. Oh, thank gosh – Dan Ewing has come up with his own Real Housewives tagline: “I believe everybody is addicted to something – I’m addicted to bettering myself.”

The Real Housewives of Summer Bay.

Meanwhile, the biggest hot-button debate of our time kicks off between Mark Philippoussis and John Steffensen.

“I would love to have sweet potato fries,” the tennis pro froths.

John grimaces. “Sweet potato fries? Stop that.”

Mark takes the judgement to heart. Not even the brutal insults from the SAS soldiers throughout the course stung him like this criticism. But this is different. It’s personal. It’s sweet potato fries. “What are you talking about? Have you tried sweet potato fries?”

“Why the hell would I try sweet potato fries when there are perfectly good normal fries?” John hits back.

Mark looks like he has just been slapped in the face.

John’s right, normal fries are superior.

With 36 hours to go, Jana Pittman continues to be the MVP. She’s also the last woman standi-

Well, she *was* standing.

Jana collapses after completing a brutal assault course. The soldiers react with their trademark sympathy.

“GET UP! GET UP! GET UP!” they growl in her unconscious face.

And while a doctor runs over to treat her with a hydration IV drip, John stumbles behind a metal barrel to throw up.

Partly because of the course’s gruelling intensity. But mostly because of all the talk about sweet potato fries.

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‘This is what I think about your sweet potato fries.’