James Weir recaps SAS Australia 2020 episode 3

If the celebs on SAS Australia knew what they would face, there’s no way they would have signed up. And that’s why we can’t look away.

Candice Warner is blindsided with a midnight interrogation on SAS Australia where she’s mercilessly probed about past scandals and left wishing she’d just signed up to appear on Ready Steady Cook instead.

All the contestants on this show should feel duped. They probably signed on thinking it was just an extreme reality series with challenges that would make them look brave, determined and resilient. But what they’ve actually signed on for is six weeks of relentless tabloid TV interviews where all their past mistakes and misdemeanours are dredged up and rubbed in their faces until they cry. And then they’re made do a HIIT circuit.

It’s honestly brilliant. Like, there’s no way in hell Candice Warner would’ve willingly agreed to appear on this show if she knew that, at 1am, she’d have her head stuffed into a bag before getting dragged by her foot into a concrete cell where two soldiers would interrogate her about the time she was filmed hooking up with a footballer in a toilet stall.

And to make matters worse, all the celebrities are made to stay at a Rydges:

When you show up to the Airbnb and it looks nothing like the photos.

“We’re gonna induce the stress more and more and we’re gonna start chipping them off psychologically,” one of the British soldiers informs us.

“Do it. Break them,” we reply, fisting chips into our mouths.

Psychological torture is not a new concept for reality TV. On Married At First Sight, it may, on occasion, involve dipping someone’s toothbrush in a toilet.

On SAS, it involves getting hooded and dragged through a shooting range as machine guns fire…

Yes! Drag her by the ponytail!

… Then they’re de-hooded and waterboarded.

This is my favourite moment so far.

… And then they’re re-hooded, dragged back through the field while dodging bullets, de-hooded and suddenly forced to shoot people.

To be honest, it’s still not as bad as a toilet toothbrush.

Same same but different.

Back at the compound, at exactly 1.34am, Candice Warner has a hood whacked over her head and she’s dragged into a concrete cell where the soldiers have been doing some late night googling on the gossip sites. They know all about her husband David Warner’s ball tampering scandal on the cricket field and the well-reported toilet tryst with Sonny Bill Williams at The Clovelly Hotel that happened a million years ago.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here

LISTEN TO THE NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS PODCAST BELOW

In a vague Carrie Bradshaw-style monologue voiceover recorded in post production, she alludes to the toilet tryst incident.

“In my early 20s I made a very big mistake,” she tells us. “Something I’m not proud of but something I can never take back. I put myself in a situation where I shouldn’t have. And because of that, I brought embarrassment and shame to my family.”

But in the interrogation cell, she’s not giving up the intel. The soldiers obviously know everything already – but she doesn’t know they know. And they don’t let her know that they know. They want her to reveal it all herself. Thus begins a meticulous yet brutal style of interrogation first perfected by year 10 girls and later adopted by the military.

The soldiers play dumb and needle her with seemingly-innocent questions until she’s backed into a corner with no choice but to talk about the scandals that made news headlines.

“The media make us out to be people that we’re not. (They make us out to be) bad people, bad parents,” she snaps.

The soldiers accuse her of being defensive as the chains cuffed to her ankles rattle against the metal chair.

“I think the hardest thing for me was being told I’m a really bad mother,” she offers after more probing. “When we came home from South Africa in 2018, there was an incident with the Australian cricket team, there was a ball tampering incident with my husband.”

The soldiers ask if her husband, David Warner, tampered with the ball.

“No, that’s other people’s opinion,” she shoots back. “And he’s never said his part. But even before that … there were incidents in South Africa where people were trying to make fun of me, mock me. Belittle me in front of my family.”

She’s referring to taunts made during the second Test in Port Elizabeth when some spectators wore masks of Sonny Bill Williams to the ground. But she deliberately avoids citing the specific incidents and the soldiers push to know exactly why she was taunted. They want to hear it in her own words.

“Because of an incident that happened in the past. And they think it’s funny,” she refuses to give them the details they so obviously know.

“What was it?” they demand.

“A bad mistake,” she replies before eventually declaring, “I don’t want to talk about it. They used to think I’m a bit of a joke.”

At this point, Candice is stunned and distraught. She thought she signed up for an extreme sport reality show, not an A Current Affair interview.

You better believe the soldiers are miffed. Schapelle was so open and breezy when they asked about her time in Kerobokan. They have no idea why – after a relentless grilling about an event that completely up-ended her life and damaged her reputation – Candice is acting like a wet cat.

She won’t reveal anything else. The soldiers get bored and dismiss her.

Only one thing is for certain: This wouldn’t have happened on Ready Steady Cook.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir

From now on, I’m only watching celebrity interviews done on SAS Australia.