James Weir recaps Farmer Wants A Wife: City girl’s plan to sabotage date backfires

An outback farmer gets a real taste of big city romance when one girl swaps romance for schemes. James Weir recaps.

She’s on the first Rex flight outta here.

One of the city girls on Farmer Wants A Wife is herded back to the big smoke on Tuesday after displaying the kind of mean girl behaviour usually only seen in the Country Women’s Association.

This is an urgent tale of greed, jealousy and sabotage.

Set against the harsh yet breathtaking backdrop of the Australian outback, it’s practically a Jane Harper novel.

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Farm Life 101: the best time to talk shit, is while shovelling shit.

“Karli’s just constantly in his face,” April sneers as she stares witheringly across the pineapple paddock at her nemesis, who’s flirting with Farmer Bert.

Only 48-hours into this show and battle lines have been drawn. Maybe it’s the heat. Perhaps there’s something in the bore water. … Or maybe it’s the fact this homestead looks nothing like the stylishly rustic lifestyle that’s usually depicted in a Donna Hay cookbook. Whatever the reason, one thing’s for certain: April wants to lock Karli in the chook pen.

“She’s a crazy stage five clinger,” she spits.

The pineapples are jealous of her spikiness.

Throw one at her!

Later that night, while enjoying a lukewarm roast at the dinner table, Karli asks Farmer Bert if they can duck away to the back porch for a quick chat. Ugh! Classic clinger behaviour.

April’s especially annoyed. She herself is up for elimination tonight. Karli doesn’t need to chat to Bert.

The other girls are also defeated.

“There’s nothing we can do,” one of them sighs.

April smirks. “Well, there is …”

“What?”

April nods to the patio. “Go break it up.”

Like a true villain, she sends an underling to do the dirty work. And tonight, that underling is some chick called Lauren.

‘Hey guys! Regina George sent me …’

This is all part of the master plan. Lauren interrupting the chat means Karli will be sent back inside, where April can deal with her accordingly.

“It’s almost like he’s whispered in your ear, like, I’m in love with you. And you’ve just given us this energy that makes us feel like dog shit, basically,” April scolds her nemesis.

She gently wraps a hand around the stem of her wine glass. The movement is delicate but threatening. It’s the mean girl version of stroking a white cat.

‘Welcome to my lair …’

With Karli now on the verge of tears, April decides to steal Bert for her own chat. The topic of conversation? Karli.

“You haven’t spent as much time with her as we have,” she warns. “She has told us, ‘I’m here to the end, I’m not second best, I’m top shelf’. I don’t mean to be rude but I have noticed you guys look at each other a lot ... and ... that’s completely fine – you do you. But I just wanna make sure you look out for your best interests.”

Yep. Someone is definitely a clinger.

Tell her to buzz off into the bug zapper.

This kind of scheming and sabotage might work back in the big smoke. But in the country? It wreaks of manure.

“I hate drama. I have an incredibly busy life and drama is not something I tolerate. That’s a problem for me,” Bert drawls.

April is dumped. And with barely a hoo-roo, she’s shoved into a LandCruiser that zooms down a dirt road and straight to a chartered Rex plane.

Facebook: @hellojamesweir