James Weir recaps Farmer Wants A Wife 2024 premiere

Fancy city girls have taken over the outback with a TV crew. What could go wrong? James Weir recaps.

Farmer Wants A Wife returns with a metaphorical and literal bang on Sunday when one of the posh city girls gets whacked by a tree branch while trying to flirt.

After three months lurking in the dark and dank sewer of Married At First Sight, we’ve now emerged into a sun-dappled meadow.

It’s a completely different reality TV universe. On MAFS, everyone has chunky plastic veneers. On Farmer Wants A Wife, well … teeth are optional.

JAMES WEIR: Read all the recaps here

Tonight, we’re introduced to four farmers and a flock of single ladies who’ve blown in from the big smoke. Up for grabs is love — along with a used LandCruiser, membership to the local CWA and a lifetime supply of molasses.

What’s in it for us? The joy of witnessing the sheer disappointment on the faces of the city girls when they get trucked to the outback and stranded in remote towns that look like the one with the toxic water supply from that Erin Brockovich movie.

Of course, none of the ladies arrive with appropriate outfits. The footage of them getting off the bus looks like a commercial for boohoo.com.

Can’t wait to see this pristine country estate get completely trashed.

The thing about Farmer Wants A Wife is, because it’s very wholesome, producers really have to scratch around to muster up drama. It’s no easy feat. We’re a highbrow audience with big expectations.

In order to maintain our interest, it takes skilful storytelling and nuanced conflict. Other times, all that’s required is a girl getting whacked in the face with a tree branch.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Bella.

“I’ve seen a psychic and she told me I’m going to marry a farmer,” says the ritzy-lookin’ lady.

She toddles her sky-high gold stilettos across the lawn to Farmer Dean and almost trips over while juggling her Louis Vuitton handbag and bottle of champagne. Perhaps her psychic should’ve also predicted the need for sensible footwear — then pulled a voucher to RM Williams out of her deck of tarot cards.

“Whoa! She’s bloody beautiful,” Dean drawls as his new love sips her champagne.

She is definitely … somethin’.

He’s immediately in love. And she’s immediately thinking of potential names for the lifestyle blog she plans to launch about their stylishly rustic farmhouse.

It’s a total moment. The kind of sweet meet-cute that usually only happens in rom-coms. Reese Witherspoon’s probably optioning the film rights as we speak.

After an intoxicating 90-second love affair, their date ends with a hug. The sugary sweet smell of her perfume leaves him drooling.

Must be one of them fancy pink deodorants from Chemist Warehouse, he thinks to himself, making a mental note to buy her a can of it on their anniversary.

As Bella flits away with a giggle, she can feel the burly farmer staring at her. She adds a little sexy swagger to her strut. Then, in her head, she starts singing the You Got The Love song that plays in the final scene of Sex And The Cit-

WHACK!

“Ugh! Fuuc-” she shrieks.

We look over to see a tree branch attacking Bella.

Nailed the recovery.

Farmer Dean doesn’t run over to help. Instead, he points and laughs.

‘Sucked in, loser!’

“So far, the psychic has been right about absolutely everything,” Bella beams to us later.

“You’ve got a leaf in your hair,” we reply.

Facebook: @hellojamesweir