James Weir recaps Farmer Wants A Wife 2023 episode 5

A hissy fit ended with a dramatic exit on this reality show, while a group of ladies completely unravelled in distressing scenes. James Weir recaps.

Another night of completely rational behaviour on Farmer Wants A Wife.

A pash plague devastates several rural communities on Monday’s episode of Farmer Wants A Wife as one city girl quits the competition and vanishes after a days-long hissy fit that builds like a thunderous drought-breaking storm.

The drama from last night’s country ball, where notorious chat thief Maddison hijacked Lucie’s conversation with Farmer Andrew, spills over into the following morning. Both women caused a scene and it has resulted in some random lady called Jessie being awarded the single date.

It makes sense. These farmers are not looking to date people who cause scenes. In small country towns, one minor public fracas can destroy a family’s reputation for years. Even the simple act of shooting someone a sideways glance in the communion line at Sunday mass will lead to whispers from townsfolk whenever you ride your horse down the dusty main drag to the general store.

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So, Farmer Andrew picks Jessie for the date purely because she’s the least dramatic member of his flock.

“I’m hoping for the attraction to build,” he scrunches up his face. “She brings a calm presence. You want someone, I suppose, at the end of the day, who’s peaceful.”

Obviously Farmer Andrew is self-conscious that the gossipy townsfolk have already caught wind of last night’s drama.

For the purpose of accuracy, it’s worth noting this is Farmer Andrew’s resting face.

He surprises Jessie with a romantic day that involves spending zero time together as they hit the skies in separate jet planes.

Intimate.

Back on the farm, Lucie’s fed up. She’s still miffed that Maddison stole her chat at the country ball and news of Jessie’s single date leaves her double-miffed. There’s only one thing left to do: pen a dramatic letter of resignation. She proceeds to read it aloud, while sobbing.

“Unfortunately, I have decided to leave earlier than I had anticipated,” she wipes away a tear. “I need to put myself first and this is not the environment for me. While I’m disappointed that we never got the opportunity to explore what could’ve been, I think you’re a great match and I really think you could find your happy ending. Love always, Lucie.”

Wow. Thanks for bravely sharing that raw dispatch with us, Lucie. It must’ve been hard reliving the mere 72 hours you’ve spent on this show.

Wheeling her suitcase down the muddy path towards the sponsorship Isuzu, Lucie, a 36-year-old woman, continues to sulk. We conclude one thing: She is definitely the kind of person who has furiously flipped a Monopoly board while screaming, “I’m not playing anymore!”

The townsfolk will have a field day with this latest drama.

Meanwhile, the other three farmers are enjoying their own single dates with their chosen sheilas. These dates end in kisses. Combined, it forms a pash plague that wreaks havoc on the entire show.

The pash plague is ripping apart rural communities.

Elle, a red-headed Emma Stone lookalike, finds out about Farmer David kissing whatever lady he went on a date with and she immediately flips out. After all, on day one, she scored the very first kiss. In her mind, this means one thing: she owns him. Farmer David responds by dumping her like a rotten crop of pumpkins.

Devastated.

On Farmer Matt’s date with Olivia, the sexiness associated with making chocolate pizzas becomes all too much. They kiss. And when they return to the farmhouse with their diabetes-inducing pizzas, they rub the girls’ faces in it. (The kiss, not the pizza.)

Chelsea scored the very first kiss with Matt at the beginning of the competition and, like Elle did with Farmer David, she too feels a sense of ownership. She confronts him in the walk-in pantry.

“I guess I’m a little different to the other girls,” she whispers, backing him into a corner. “Like, I have been on a date with you. But I didn’t want to mention it in front of everyone, but, did you guys kiss on your date?”

Matt gulps. “We did.”

Chelsea struggles to keep her cool. Her eyes well up. She asked the question but she didn’t want the answer. Oh, Chels. It’s OK. C’mon, go eat your chocolate pizza before it gets … cold?

But the upset only continues. Matt must boot a girl from his flock. Some chick called Alice is sent to the glue factory. The other ladies break down in distressing scenes that seem completely out of proportion to the situation at hand.

We’ll attribute it to the sugar coma from the chocolate pizzas.

Completely rational.

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