James Weir recaps Farmer Wants A Wife 2023 episode 1

Sam Armytage is back. And within minutes of her big return, she gave a glimpse into her increasingly private life. James Weir recaps.

Samantha Armytage is back.

Samantha Armytage returns to screens on Monday night as the official host of Channel 7 reality show Farmer Wants A Wife and proves trading in the Cash Cow for real cows has done her a world of good.

She blessed us with some star cameos in last year’s season as a sort-of CWA godmother to the city girls, advising them on how to make the switch to the country after doing it herself for her own farmer husband, Richard Lavender. But now, after putting the show’s original host Natalie Grzzhlwhkszi out to pasture, Sam is in the driver’s seat of this tractor.

The woman knows a thing or two about rural living. She’s aware of the true grit and humble resilience that’s required on the land. The unique experience gained in her previous life ensured she could handle it. Sure, ploughing fields is hard yakka. But it’s nothing compared to the all-body exhaustion that comes with having to fake laugh at Kochie’s jokes before 7am.

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Tonight, we meet our five farmers as they sort through a buncha sheilas like they would the sales bin at Lowes. Brad, Brenton, Matt, David and Andrew. Right now, these names mean about as much to us as a crop calendar.

No idea which one’s which.

The 40 bachelorettes include HR managers and corporate executives, all lamenting the city boys they’ve had to tolerate on the dating scene back home in the big smoke. We watch as a fleet of Isuzu 4WDs pull up at a heritage estate. The girls disembark, looking pretty but impractical in their playful playsuits and maxi dresses. Their wedge sandals spring across the dirt driveway. They fantasise about how their troubled love lives will be magically fixed by some fresh air, country charm and blokes who engage in smoko rather than power brunches.

We couldn’t be more thrilled for them all. At best, these ladies will find true love. At worst? They’ll develop unsightly saddle sores from a horseriding challenge.

C’mon, ladies — a little less BooHoo and a little more KingGee.

Sam summons everyone into a barn and introduces the farmers to their … flocks. The girls do a lot of whoo-ing. There’s also some nawww-ing, especially when Brenton gets all “aw shucks”.

“I’m not a big talker,” he blushes to Sam. At 26, he says time is ticking and he needs to fall in love. “All my mates are getting married and having kids and I’m the last one left, now.”

“Nawww,” the girls collectively sigh.

“My mates would say I’m the complete opposite to romantic,” he continues. “But things can change and I’m sure it will.”

Sam laughs and makes an offhand aside. “You sound like my husband.”

We promptly die. She knows we’re all chasing glimpses into her new Country Style magazine-worthy life. And we’ll accept anything she tosses our way. It doesn’t matter how vague the comment or allusion is. Fingers crossed producers rope Rich into making a cameo where he offers his farming expertise, like when Nigella guest judges on MasterChef.

BTS goss: all the contestants have been held overnight in Sam’s chook shed.

Next, we hear from Farmer Matt, who operates his family property in Bookham. Samantha asks about the wild dating scene in his small village.

“When you’re related to half the valley it makes it quite hard,” he shrugs.

Sam nods. “ … Good. That’s … a good sign.”

Well, it’s sad we won’t have an incest twist but, yes, for the most part, we agree with Sam – it is a good sign.

What happens next? All the farmers spend some time picking through the Lowes rack before deciding which five contestants to keep and which three to toss.

Shy Brenton asks one of the ladies if she can see herself living in his shire.

“I’m a bit worried about the weather – the first cold day I vomited, I was so cold that I was sick,” she blurts to him. “I’m also allergic to dust.”

Huh. Well. You won’t make a sensible match. But you will make a fun story arc.

Do you need some QueaseEASE? … And an antihistamine?

Meanwhile, producers decide to unleash a no-nonsense city girl on Farmer Matt. Georgia is a brunette with a blonde complex.

“Today I’m gonna ask Matt some tough questions – I mean, I’m sitting amongst beautiful blondes and obviously I’m clearly not blonde,” she vents. “My biggest fear is that he’ll think I’m too much.”

No! Not at all! He won’t think you’re too muc-

“THERE’S BEAUTIFUL BLONDES OUT THERE, DO YOU HAVE A TYPE? I’M NOT HERE TO MUCK AROUND. ARE YOU OPEN TO LETTING PEOPLE INTO YOUR LIFE? IT MAKES IT EASIER IF A MAN IS OPEN TO OPENING UP. I’M THE CRAZY ONE IN MY FAMILY AND I’M GONNA BE OPEN AND HONEST WITH YOU,” she tells Matt. “I JUST WANNA CHECK YOU’RE NOT A BIG RED FLAG.”

So … as we were saying … he totally won’t think you’re too much.

Not intense at all.

Across the field, Farmer Brad is on a date with a bachelorette who gifts him a cod lure engraved with a quote from a Luke Combs song: I like a bobber on the water. Hookin’ ‘em and reelin’ ‘em in.

Romance is not dead.

It’s so good the government launched that program where tradies and farmers can donate their old utes to be used as props on dating shows.

Then Brad’s paired with 23-year-old biological scientist Natasha. The conversation crackles.

“If you ever need your cows inseminated – hit me up,” she tells him.

Shakespeare wishes he wrote this kind of dialogue. Is it too late to revise the lines in Romeo and Juliet?

After these whirlwind dates, each farmer is summoned to Sam Armytage’s barn. They stand before their flocks and pick which three will be sent to the slaughter. We don’t know any of these people well enough to document who makes the cut.

“Love is coming home to that person who you can’t stand to be without,” Farmer Brad muses.

Yeah. Or, more accurately: Love is coming home to that person who you can’t stand to be around.

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