James Weir recaps Farmer Wants A Wife 2022 episode 1

Samantha Armytage has made her big television comeback and given an intimate glimpse at her private life. James Weir recaps.

Samantha Armytage takes control of Sunday’s Farmer Wants A Wife premiere and smashes back onto TV screens with the same command she usually reserves for bobcat driving, on an episode that has all the lust and drama of a really sexy CWA meeting.

Whoever made the decision to install Samantha on this show is a genius. She doesn’t need to be doing this – she could just spend her days chilling out on her Bowral farm, watching the sun rise instead of … Sunrise – but she’s choosing to be involved, just for kicks. It’s perfection.

Osher needs to take notes. Guarantee, The Bachelor’s ratings would jump 15 per cent if he wore an Akubra.

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Tonight, we meet our five new farmers and the slew of normies hoping to win their hearts. Warning: there are too many contestants to list in this premiere recap and the initial rules are convoluted.

Farmer Will, Farmer Benjamin, Farmer Harry, Farmer Ben and Farmer Paige have all preselected about 10 normies each and tonight they’ll do meet-and-greets before whittling down the groups even further — taking the remainders back to their homesteads.

A couple of SUVs pull up and out tumble all the girls, who are dressed appropriately for farm life:

There’s no “rural” category on boohoo.com.

Then two more cars arrive with the group of boy normies for Farmer Paige. With a guy-and-girl contestant pool, Sportsbet should be opening betting odds for potential cheaters any minute. But that’s cynical. The only thing we’ll bet on is that every guy here bought their cologne from Chemist Warehouse.

An unrelated aside: Why does Diesel cologne need to be kept inside a locked glass display cabinet?

But enough about these randoms. We’re here for Sam, who has come on board to guide the city slicking contestants into their potential new country lives.

“We were very lucky to find each other,” she tells us about Richard Lavender, the farmer she married in 2020.

“The moment I first saw Sammy, I thought, ‘There’s my girl,’” adds the man himself.

Is it too late to ditch the farmers and contestants and just make this show about Sam and Richard?

After all the girls manage to pull their stiletto spikes out of the lawn, Sam goes to greet them and explain what’s what.

“In my experience, it’s really nice when you move to the country, which I did last year for love,” she says. “You’ve really got to be a team with a farmer. Like, it’s more than just an average job in the city – it’s a lifestyle.”

The girls are brimming with questions.

“Do you miss it? Miss the city at all?” one asks.

“No,” Sam is quick to reply.

“Do you do much to help out on the farm?” asks another.

We’ll accept any and all trivia when it comes to Sam’s life. We wait with bated breath to see what she reveals in response to this question. She doesn’t disappoint.

“Yes I do, because Richard – like most country men – really likes you to help,” she begins. “He’ll be like, ‘Can you drive the bobcat?’ But I draw the line at driving the bulldozer – I will not do that because it’s just too scary.”

But that’s the thing about country life. It’s all about getting out of your comfort zone. One minute you’re being forced to captain a bulldozer against your will. Next, you’re swatting a live chicken off your charcuterie board.

This chicken has the boldly intrusive temperament of Sam Mac.

Why producers don’t play B-roll footage of Samantha trying to drive the bulldozer – or at least cruising around the back paddock in the bobcat – is beyond us. Maybe that’s the carrot on the string to keep us watching until the finale. Either way, the footage needs to be aired.

Samantha, we better see you on that bulldozer by the finale.

When it comes to this premiere episode, we’d be happy if it were just 90-minutes of these clueless city girls asking Sam questions. The producers know full-well she’s the real drawcard — but that’s why they wanna drip-feed us her appearances. She’s swiftly ushered off set and we get on with the meet-and-greets.

Do we even know much about the farmers? We know enough. One’s a chick. Will’s the hot guy. And another looks like that ABC gardener, Costa.

L-R: The hot guy, the girl, Costa.

What comes next are intimate and informative 45 second rounds of speed dating. The topics of conversation are equal parts seductive and profound.

“So, I’ve been dusting off some of my pick-up lines,” April, 25, tells Farmer Will. Fun! Show us what ya got, April.

“Did you fart? Because you’ve blown me away,” she winks at him.

After hearing this, Will looks like he just sniffed something terrible.

Fun fact: Hot people like Will don’t even know what farts are.

Afterwards, the reality of her actions dawns on April.

Pro tip: don’t say the word “fart” on a first date.

Speaking of things that stink, some chick called Lisa goes and reads Farmer Ben her bad poetry.

“I wrote a little poem for you,” she says/warns.

Oh gosh. This is just like on The Bachelor when a sneaky producer tricks one of the girls into reading her diary entries – or worse … rapping.

“Farmer Ben, from the moment I watched your video I rated you as a ten,” she begins, emphasising the rhymes. “A good country farmer is totally my thing. Then looking at your handsome face makes my heart sing. So here’s to taking a chance on me, Ben. Don’t let this be your last glance.”

Ooh. Bit of a stumble on that last couplet. Didn’t quite rhyme. She should’ve workshopped it a bit more on the ol’ typewriter and done a rejig. Maybe something like: “So thanks, Ben, for taking a chance. Don’t let this moment be your last glance.” Or: “So here we are, Ben – this decision was smart. Consider yourself lucky I haven’t said the word fart.”

But Ben’s not too concerned about clunky couplets. Or other things…

“How would you feel having a shower knowing you’ve got cow poo under your nails?” he asks one of the other ladies.

This fearless line of questioning continues.

“(What if you) Had to run through a paddock and stepped in poo?”

“Have you ever smelled cow poo before?”

Maybe he should’ve been paired with April.

Some words just shouldn’t be said on first dates … or ever.

Over at Farmer Harry’s meet-and-greets, things are going about as smoothly as Samantha’s ride on the bulldozer.

Harry’s chatting with Georgia, a 22-year-old podiatry student, who’s clearly feeling nervous and wanting to make the most of her moment with him. She regales him with a succession of random tales and facts – including one about a trip she took to a dairy and how she loved the teat suction machine.

Harry’s left wide-eyed.

“She’s a lovely person, don’t get me wrong,” he tells us. “But, like, there’s a lot going on and it was sometimes a bit hard to keep up.”

As Georgia jumps from topic to topic, Harry tries to wrap her up.

“Rightio, well … it’s been great chattin’ to ya,” he interrupts, jumping to his feet before hugging her and sending her on her way. “I’ll catch ya later. I’ll see ya later. I’ll see ya later, thank you. See ya.”

As Georgia walks away, Harry looks at a producer with a shrug.

“Ah, I dunno,” he sighs. “Wasn’t the best.”

Whaddya mean? Neither of you talked about farts or recited bad poetry. It’s a match made in heaven! Honestly, some people just have unrealistic standards.

And little does he know that, while he’s slagging off to producers, Georgia is stalking him behind the bushes. She hears everything he says about her. From the look on her face, it’s as if she just discovered cow poo under her fingernails.

We feel sorry for Georgia. Maybe Lisa can lift her spirits by reciting her terrible poetry.

At the elimination ceremonies, a bunch of normies are sent packing. Including Georgia.

April is also, to quote her own pick-up line, blown away.

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