James Weir recaps Farmer Wants A Wife 2022 episode 5

The loveable star of what’s supposed to be a wholesome show gets tangled up in controversy as a secret is outed. James Weir recaps.

One of the attention-seeking city girls on Farmer Wants A Wife is tossed off Monday night’s show after getting busted in a lie, leaving the infuriatingly sexy stockman wishing he’d just hooked up with a dowdy daughter of one of the local CWA ladies.

A series of botched attempts to grab the spotlight eventually catches up with the out-of-her-depth gal, and it all backfires.

She’s run out of town. Country folk line the main drag and cheer while waving their wool flat caps in the air.

These city girls are a handful. Without Uber and same-day delivery from The Iconic, they simply don’t know how to survive.

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Last time we saw Alicia, she was trying to manipulate Farmer Will into giving her attention by threatening to quit the show.

The stunt backfired when – surprise! – it just made Will grit his teeth and roll his eyes.

Her desperation to be noticed is only supercharged the morning after when Will picks some chick called Jess for a solo date.

With nothing else to do, Alicia sits on Will’s back deck and seethes.

The only thing we take away from this is, despite Will’s clean-cut appearance, he doesn’t seem to place importance on tidying his outdoor area.

The guys on Better Homes and Gardens could completely transform this drab deck into a backyard haven.

“I have to try to speak up, otherwise I’ll be forgotten,” Alicia declares.

Girl, you should totally speak up. Nay, yell! Scream at Will for not prioritising you over the other ladies.

He’ll love that! Stroppiness is a total turn-on.

Alicia has nothing to lose and everything to gain.

And she’d better act now because, over at Will’s date with Jess, things are moving fast – faster than the rickety old boat they’re using to paddle around his parents’ dam. The conversation turns to babies.

They both want a family.

But Jess wants to take a more traditional path and get engaged first.

“I want everyone to have the same surname on my Medicare card,” she says. It’s a good point.

A jumble of different surnames on a Medicare card is just tacky.

‘Only ferals have surnames that don’t match.’

Later on, back at the farmhouse, Alicia decides to make her bad mood subtly known.

While Will goes for a run with the other girls, she boycotts and decides to vie for his attention by sulking in bed.

That’ll show him.

I’d let Will run over my face.

Now that Alicia has sufficiently worked herself up into a tizz and resentment is pumping through her veins, producers make Will surprise her with a really bad one-on-one date.

We watch gleefully as her face lights up at the news she’s being awarded solo time.

And then we witch-cackle when her face droops into a scowl upon learning the date involves scrubbing a rusty old bathtub that’s used as a feeding trough.

Everything’s going according to plan.

While scrubbing the stubborn brown stains on the porcelain tub, Alicia basically tells Will she has retreated over the past two days because she wants more attention.

She’s hoping her sulkiness supercharges his affection for her. It doesn’t. “I think there’s still … potential?” his voice goes high-pitched as he describes the chance of their relationship flourishing “… I’m not gonna … rule it out?” Huh. Not quite the words Alicia was wanting to hear.

The silence is broken by the sound of the hose filling up the muddy trough.

u ok doll?

The chat makes Alicia grumpier than she was before. “I don’t know how that chat just went,” she tells a producer.

“What the hell did he even say? Do you know? ’Cause I don’t!” Oh, allow us to clarify: he said he’d continue to tolerate you – but his high-pitch voice indicated uncertainty about your erratic behaviour.

Hope that clears it up!

On a separate note, did you secretly take that shirt you’re wearing out of Will’s hamper?

It’s not just Farmer Will’s property being polluted with jealousy.

Over at Farmer Benjamin’s, some lady called Lyndsay is devastated that one of the other girls got picked for a date, as per the rules of the show she willingly signed up for.

“I was jealous,” she says as she stands in a field, watching Benjamin and the other girl fly around in a chopper.

“I’ve never been in a helicopter – that’s pretty ‘wow’.” Relax, Lynds. We’ll start a GoFundMe page and raise money to buy you a Red Balloon voucher.

Honestly, Lynds, you wanting a free helicopter ride is the least of our concerns.

Back at Farmer Will’s joint, Alicia doubles down on her strategy to completely snub everyone in a bid to get attention. “I don’t wanna go,” she mumbles at the mention of farm chores.

“I don’t feel it anymore. I just feel like when I talk, he doesn’t hear me.”

She then deals with her feelings like an adult, by locking herself in the guest bedroom. Will barges in.

“You ready to go?” Alicia slumps on the single bed.

“I dunno. I dunno if I wanna go,” she rubs her eyes. “(I’m) Just a bit exhausted.”

He doesn’t give in.

“All right, I’m gonna get goin’,” he huffs as he gets up off the bed.

“Enjoy your peace and quiet. All right, look after yourself. We’ll be back in a bit.” By now, Will’s fed up. “I did get to have a chat with Alicia yesterday and I feel like the air was cleared a little bit,” he tells us outside about their tub-scrubbing date.

“But, in my mind, I don’t really understand what can change that quickly.”

He cringes and rolls his eyes, looking off camera.

“Ugh, I dunno. That’s me being honest. Like, am I supposed to be honest, or what?”

He’s sick of the stunts and the childish attempts to grab the spotlight. The more Alicia tries to pull him in, the further she pushes him away.

Whoa. Deep.

He’s even hot when he’s annoyed.

Yet again, Alicia’s strategy does not go to plan. Humph! How dare Will prioritise his livelihood by tending to his farm instead of lavishing her with attention!

She stares at the flaking paint on the tongue-and-groove wall of the centuries-old farmhouse and fumes that her scheme has backfired – again.

In her mind, she imagines all the annoying ways the other girls will use the farm chores to flirt with Will.

And just like that, she shoots to her feet, runs into the kitchen and grabs a random pair of car keys out of a fruit bowl sitting on the kitchen island.

Moments later, she’s speeding down a dirt road in a white Toyota Landcruiser.

It screeches to a halt when she spots Will with the other girls. The commotion creates a dust cloud – a symbolic message to the other ladies: eat my dirt.

‘Thanks for getting my car filthy.’

The driver’s door busts open and Alicia springs out of the vehicle.

“What are we doin’?!” she bounds over, trying to seem easy breezy. What are you all doin’?

Heading to the sheep yard, doll – that’s what ya doin’. Once they’re there, Alicia instantly proves she’s neither easy or breezy.

She’s really in her element.

The sun begins to set and the girls all wash up ahead of the night’s boozy dinner party that will end with someone going back home to the city.

Unsurprisingly, Alicia’s emotional rollercoaster is on another crashing decline. We find her sulking to the other ladies while doing her make-up.

She tells them again that she just wants to leave. “I’d rather just get it over and done with,” she says.

“I’m not the kind of person who’s gonna stick around for something that’s half-assed. I don’t wanna be half-liked or half-loved. Not gonna settle for half.” Reminder: It’s been, like, less than a week.

Oh Alicia. Always keeping us on our toes.

At the dinner, Will can’t even finish eating his steak before he’s forced to take a mopey Alicia out to the back patio for a chat.

“I think you’re amazing,” she begins.

“ … And you’re exactly the kinda person I wanna be with …” After all her whining, we think she’s finally about to quit in a blaze of glory and dump him before he can dump her.

But then he interrupts and starts crapping on about how he values honesty and trust and that he hopes they can be truthful with each other.

He promises to tell her if there ever comes a time when she doesn’t truly have a chance at his heart – and asks that she promise to tell him when she doesn’t want to be on the farm any longer.

Well, we know she doesn’t wanna be on the farm. She won’t shut up about it. He has given her the perfect opportunity to bow out of the competition.

Obviously this means she’ll be going home tonigh- “No one’s going home tonight!” Will declares to the table when they walk back inside.

Huh?

The two blonde chicks have had enough.

They’ve been working tirelessly to impress Will and spent hours listening to Alicia moan about how hard it is living without Deliveroo.

So one of the blonde chicks goes rogue. “OK. I’m gonna be honest,” she says, turning to look at Alicia. “Obviously we had the conversation today and you seemed pretty set on your decision that you wanted to go home.”

The revelation makes Will’s eyebrows jump up to the ornate tin ceiling.

“So I wasn’t expecting this sort of outcome,” the blonde chick continues.

“OK, I’m a little bit lost right now,” Will scrunches his face. Alicia knows she has been busted. She starts scrambling.

“Yeah, so basically I had a chat with the girls today. … And told them I wanted to go home.” Will smashes his head on the table and curses himself yet again for not just hooking up with a dowdy daughter of one of the local CWA ladies.

He gave up a lifetime of free scones to deal with this rubbish instead.

Outside on Will’s filthy deck, Alicia backtracks.

“I want you to know that none of what I said was dishonest,” she blurts.

“It was me saying I wanna be here 100 per cent. I was just leaving out the fact that I felt like, in the last few days, I felt like I absolutely haven’t wanted to be here.”

Will sighs.

Then he kicks one of his scuffed R.M. Williams boots through the dirt and chuckles. Glancing back up at the woman who keeps flip-flopping with his heart, he shoots her an understanding look. “It’s OK,” he smiles. “And you know what? I’ll just get rid of those other girls — right now. Tonight. They can go home. I only want you.”

Psych. He’s spewin’. “I’m here for my future, I’m here for the long-term, I’m here for the rest of my life. And I can’t see that with you,” he snips.

He puts his hands on his hips and glares at Alicia through the dark. “All right, I’ll see you.” Then he backs away slowly and slumps against a corrugated iron shed.

“F*ck me dead,” he sighs. It almost seems like a missed opportunity that producers don’t score the scene with a really sad slide guitar instrumental.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir

We’re gonna miss watching you lock yourself in bedrooms xx