James Weir recaps Farmer Wants A Wife 2022 episode 4

A romp is uncovered on Channel 7’s new show before an accident makes someone quit in hysterics. James Weir recaps.

One of the city girls on Farmer Wants A Wife falls heads over feet – literally – for the man she wants to impress when she stacks it while dancing in a barn before locking herself in the show’s sponsorship Rav4 and sobbing the words that we the viewers have been uttering for years: “it’s just so embarrassing”.

Obviously she then quits. There’s really nothing else left to do after you lock yourself in a Rav4. And then, because so much attention gets put on the klutz, a jealous copycat tries to recreate the stunt before it backfires.

We’re all so embarrassed by this embarrassing behaviour that we barely even notice that one of the other girls gets publicly confronted in the kitchen at dawn and has her secret midnight hook-up exposed as the boiling kettle whistles in the background.

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The only thing worse than all this humiliation? Having to do 3am farm chores.

“Rise and shine – we’re gonna go milk cows,” Ben busts into the girls’ dorm and flicks the light on and off.

They respond with grace and charm.

“F******ck,” comes a groan from beneath the bed covers.

An appropriate response.

The girls are already grumpy. The sun isn’t even up and the instant coffee Ben insists on serving is making the house smell like a school staffroom. But there’s something else. One of them has been hearing that chick called Leish sneaking around in the middle of the night. First there was the unmistakeable sound of creaking floorboards and squeaky doors. Then came the sound of … canoodling. It all became clear: Leish has been sneaking into Ben’s bedroom.

There’s only one thing to do: confront her while they all awkwardly wait for the kettle to finish boiling.

“I’m in the next room, so I can hear you sneaking in and out,” one of the random chicks blurts.

Leish is really considerate of the girls’ feelings and tries to calm their anxiety.

“We have kissed,” she rubs it in their faces.

‘Been there, done that, got the pash rash.’

Then Ben lumbers in. Leish decides to rub it in further by talking to him like the other ladies aren’t even in the same room with them.

“The girls have just had a chat with me and I did say I have given you a goodnight kiss last night and the night before,” she sighs. “I did that because I didn’t want the girls to see our connection – I didn’t think it was right to throw in their faces.”

Ben shrugs. “This is part of the journey we signed up for.”

And then they all go milk cows together. We feel sorry for the livestock. The three jilted girls will no doubt expel their anger and resentment by aggressively squeezing the udders like a stress ball.

Tense scenes.

Over on Will’s farm, things are done with a little more TLC.

“See that there?” he points to a screw on the side of a truck. “That’s a grease nipple. I’ll grab the grease guns now and then we’ll grease some nipples.”

Greasing nipples with Farmer Will should be sold as a Red Balloon experience.

Ooh yeah, grease those nipples, William.

Perhaps it was Will’s greasy nipples that caused the girls' excitement to spiral into sheer chaos. Or maybe just some of the nipple grease dripped onto the floor of the barn and led to what becomes the night’s dramatic incident.

All the ladies and farmers gather for a boozy barn bash. Everyone’s line dancing and yelling over the country music. And one chick called Keely is trying desperately hard to get Farmer Will’s attention. She partners with some other girl called Jess and they dance together, like a rural Romy and Michele.

‘I’ll dance with you, Romy.’

“At the moment, I can’t say if there is a connection or not a connection but, I mean, what have I got to lose? I need to try my best to show him who I really am,” Keely tells us.

She pulls out her best moves:

The Marcia Brady thumb dance will always be classic.

Between bouts of swaying and twirling, Jess grabs Keely by the shoulders and tries to jolt her into an experimental dance sequence.

“Go this way! And go this way! …” She grabs Keely’s hands in the air and guides her … but it doesn’t go to plan.

We hear a shriek. Then a crash. Actually, it’s more like a ka-thump. Next thing we know, a cloud of dust billows up from the stacks of hay on the battered floorboards.

“Oh no!” a voice screams.

Farmer Will tries not to laugh. “Keely, are you all right?” he forces a concerned look.

Then we cut to an on-camera interview with Jess, who describes the moment like she’s one of the Big Little Lies characters telling the cops what happened on the night of The Incident.

“Keels and I were dancing … I tried to give her a little spin and it probably didn’t really work out how I planned,” she looks down. “We fell and she knocked her head.”

Back in the barn, the cameras circle around Keely’s flattened body.

“Ohhh this is so embarrassing,” she slurs, half concussed. Then her voice cracks. “He’s gonna think I’m a klutz.”

Jess swoops her up off the floor and Keely staggers out of the barn, clutching her head. It’s at this moment she starts to realise what has happened. She sulks in the backyard, alone.

“I feel like an idiot,” she sobs. “It’s definitely making me not want to be here.”

A team of medics gives her the all-clear but she refuses to re-enter the barn and face Will. Instead, she locks herself inside the show’s sponsorship Rav4.

Young lady, you unlock the door this instant.

Doll, it’s really dark and we need a better shot of you crying — turn on the ceiling light near the rear-view mirror.

Will walks out in the dark and taps on the window.

“Are you all right?” he asks.

“No,” she sniffs. “I’m just embarrassed.”

He offers her a kind smile. “You don’t need to be.”

Keely tinkers with the airconditioning knobs on the dash. “I’m gonna be straight-up with you. I thought about just going home. It’s just so embarrassing. It put into perspective for me, like, this is a sign to say it’s not working.”

She’s waiting for Will to beg her to stay. He doesn’t.

Regardless, in this moment, she’s getting all of his attention. And some girl called Alicia is pissed. She’s so jealous of the spotlight that’s shining on that klutz Keely that she considers picking up a rock from the garden and concussing herself.

That selfish klutz.

Later on, Keely emerges from the Rav4 and demands another chat with Will.

“I definitely think I need to leave,” she states.

Again, she’s waiting for Will to profess his love for her. He doesn’t exactly put up a fight.

“It’s not my position to make her stay – it’s her choice,” he shrugs.

Keely tries to apply deeper meaning to the dancefloor face-plant.

“I just think, with the whole fall, it’s my whole body going, ‘Chill out. You’re doing too much. You’re putting too much effort into this. You need to step back’,” she explains. “If it was meant to be, it was meant to be.”

Mmmhmm. Mhhhm. So you’re saying the universe made you trip while dancing poorly? Sure. What a freeing theory to subscribe to. Now we can all blame our terrible first date behaviour on The Universe.

The other girls cuddle around her and sob.

“I’m really proud of you for being able to, like, make that decision,” one says.

Totally, babe. It was brave. Fearless. You should receive an OA.

This latest stunt from Keely makes Alicia flip. She’s sick of the spotlight being on that klutz. It’s time to grab it back. How will she do this?

“I think I’m gonna go home,” she sighs to everyone.

She then walks out of the barn and slumps in the yard, waiting for Will to come console her.

Lock yourself in the Rav4!

Will begrudgingly follows.

“You all right?” he barely tries to hide the irritation in his voice.

She pretends to be caught off-guard. “Yeah, sorry, you don’t have to come over.”

“What’s up?” he asks.

“Nothing,” she sniffles. “I just don’t feel like you’re understanding me.”

She sits in silence, waiting for him to beg her to stay. He sits in silence, waiting for her to leave. And we giggle, watching as Alicia’s plan completely backfires.

After several awkward minutes, she realises she’s in a bind. She declared she was quitting and now the pressure’s on for her to make good on the promise. Time to backtrack.

“I don’t wanna go,” she switches to a sudden upbeat tone. “I just have to trust my connection with Will and hope that it’s strong enough.”

To quote that klutz Keely: It’s just so embarrassing.

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