James Weir recaps Farmer Wants A Wife 2022 episode 3

Channel 7’s big new primetime show has suffered a bizarre disappearance just days after premiering. James Weir recaps.

In what can only be described as a dogged investigation, the truth behind one man’s sudden smoke-bombing on Farmer Wants A Wife is exposed on Tuesday night, but it’s we the Australian people who are the real victims as the show’s new wingwoman Samantha Armytage ghosts us without warning.

Producers are breadcrumbing us with her appearances. They’re treating us like sad single gals who’ve met Samantha on a bad dating app. We don’t hear from her for days and then, just when we think we’ll never see her again, they usher her back on screen – some kind of twisted reality TV version of texting “u up?” at 2am.

No, we certainly weren’t up. But we’ll still drive to your house. Anyway, the point is, producers force Samantha to ghost us tonight — treat us mean, keep us keen — but that’s OK because one of the bratty girls throws a tantrum that’s made even funnier thanks to the white denim jacket that’s caped over her shoulders the entire time. Those loose sleeves just keep flapping everywhere.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here

Not enough attention has been paid to some of the beautiful properties these farmers own. At the beginning of tonight’s episode, we’re treated to sweeping drone footage over Farmer Ben’s house and it looks like it could be the setting for a Liane Moriarty series. Forget farming — just list your spare bedrooms on Airbnb and watch the cash roll in.

brb marrying a farmer.

The chick who scored the 24-hour one-on-one date slept on the couch last night and she wakes to find Ben hovering above her face. It’s always perplexing when no one on these shows seems to be even slightly self-conscious about morning breath.

Close your mouth.

Another day, another romantic farm chore.

“We’re gonna check for pink eye,” Ben tells the girls.

We assume he means the girls will be receiving the check-up.

Don’t blink.

Over on Farmer Paige’s property, they’re having a ball...s.

“We check their testes,” she tells the boys after leading them down to the rams.

“You put your hands around like you’re holding two coke cans … and then run your thumbs down … there shouldn’t be any lumps. They shouldn’t be too hot, either.”

Huh. And because television is a visual medium, we get to enjoy the full experience.

Coke cans look a little different in the country.

Marty cringes.

“Can’t say I’m a big fan of feeling ram balls,” he sulks.

Relax, Marty. It’s not gay if it’s a ram.

What if da boyz find out?

This is all too much for Marty. The next morning, he says he’s crook and jumps in a 4WD. Where’s he going? The hospital. Seems a little dramatic – we could’ve just called out the same local vet who inspected the sheep balls.

At first his disappearance seems abrupt. But we’re not too worried. After all, he should be back very soo-

“Unfortunately it doesn’t look like I’m gonna be able to make it back to the farm at the moment,” he tells Paige over the phone. “You got a few good blokes there so I think you’ll be all right. Good luck with everything and hopefully one of those boys is the one.”

And just like that, Marty dumps Paige. One of our favourite things on these dating shows is when the contestants get the upper hand and dump the suitor before the suitor can dump them.

Of course, our instant conclusion is that Marty got spooked and just smoke-bombed out of the competition. It begs the question, why didn’t producers send our wingwoman Sam Armytage to the hospital to confront him, A Current Affair-style, to make sure he wasn’t lying? We haven’t seen that dame all night and we’re concerned. Perhaps she has been involved in a freak bulldozer accident.

Without Samantha, we’re forced to launch our own dogged investigation (read: text message a Channel 7 publicist). The network confirms Marty was admitted to hospital with heart issues. At least we now know he has one. Most guys on these shows don’t.

FaceTime from the ER or we won’t believe you.

After all this, we need some good news. Please enjoy this screenshot of Will, shirtless in a dam.

I want to drink that dam water.

At the sight of shirtless Will, we zone out in a trance and only snap back to attention at the end of the episode. It takes a while to figure out what’s going, but we quickly realise it’s dinner time at Farmer Benjamin’s and some chick called Courtney is pissed.

“I kind of read the room and read in between the lines that Benjamin just doesn’t have a connection with me and I think that’s my last dinner here at Benjamin’s farm,” she snips to us before taking a seat at the dining table where she proceeds to loom like a grumpy little storm cloud with a white denim jacket caped over her shoulders.

“Would you like some spud?” Benjamin holds up a bowl of mashed potatoes.

“Certainly, thank you so much, Benjamin,” Courtney says in her most passive-aggressive tone. She takes a pitiful scoop of potato and dabs it on her plate while staring him dead in the eye. “That’s great.”

Gee, Courtney. It almost seems like you’re annoyed.

Benjamin awkwardly avoids eye contact. It sets Courtney off.

“I’ve lost my appetite,” she blurts out. “Would you like to go for a chat? Potentially now. I’ve just really lost my appetite.”

By now, Benjamin has had enough. He’s a chill guy who doesn’t want drama. He has dedicated his life to farming and bringing back the word “groovy”. He tells Courtney there’s no connection. She sternly crosses her arms and the sleeves of her caped jacket dangle lifelessly by her side.

Caped jackets automatically make all interactions 15 per cent more passive-aggressive.

And just like that, Courtney’s dreams of being a farmer’s wife are dashed. It never would’ve worked. You can’t wear white denim while working on the land.

Outside, in an on-camera spiral, the empty sleeves of her caped jean jacket start flapping around as she gesticulates wildly.

“You can’t force these things,” she concludes with a huff.

Exactly. Just like you apparently can’t force your arms into jacket sleeves.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir

Courtney’s caped jacket is the breakout star of tonight’s episode.