‘I’m gonna f***ing smash you’: The Real Housewives fight crew members had to break up

IT started with a vile slur and escalated so quickly the crew had to intervene. This is the shocking Real Housewives of Sydney fight we didn’t see — until now.

AFTER an action-packed and frankly exhausting eleven episodes, the first season of Real Housewives of Sydney comes to an end this week with a bumper 90-minute reunion that sees all seven ladies try to settle scores as host Alex Perry steadily loses the will to live.

And what a bounty of a reunion it is, packed with juicy unseen fights and shocking revelations about off-camera antics throughout the season.

Last week’s Real Housewives of Sydney finale recap

Given their repeated calls for an intervention against Victoria, it’s ironic that Lisa and Athena get their wish — except it’s the other five women intervening against them, using the reunion to call them out for their bad behaviour.

BEFORE KICK-OFF

Each of the women has her own special prep method before heading into battle. Matty muses aloud about whether she should have brought a personal security guard, while Victoria warms up her catty quip reflexes, telling her make-up artist that Athena has “hummus between her ears.”

Matty ponders whether or not she should've packed a shiv.

And Athena? She’s in her dressing room watching a spiritual life coach seminar on her phone, a soothing voice instructing her to tap into the ‘infinite consciousness’. Let’s see how that pans out.

It’s time to walk to the set — Lisa and Athena stride well apart from the others, hand-in-hand:

This one shot does more for marriage equality than last week's entire pet wedding

Athena insists her time on the show has been amazing, incredible, deeply spiritual. To ease us into the bigger feuds that await, Alex Perry asks her about one of her earliest jabs during the season, in which she criticised Matty’s love of cosmetic procedures.

“I always question why someone feels the need to completely alter the way they’re looking,” explains the woman who has dressed variously as Little Boo Peep gone Morris dancing, a Logie caught in a fishing net and now a teenage boy heading to his high school formal:

She is serving you Albert Nobbs realness

ATHENA VS VICTORIA

During a compilation of Victoria and Athena’s bitter stoushes, we see truly shocking footage cut from last week’s finale.

Here’s Athena to Victoria, a woman who has spent the better part of the season trying to track down the father who disappeared when she was a child, only to discover he’d died three decades earlier:

“Everyone has an issue with YOU, Victoria — not even your FAMILY wanted you.”

Love Melissa popping up like a horrified little angel on her shoulder there

It’s a new low for Athena, and Victoria hits back with a low blow of her own: “The Greek community are embarrassed of you, and you’re the most hated woman in the Greek community,” she spits.

Then suddenly there’s a producer in frame, holding Athena back as she lunges towards Victoria.

Note the crew member in shot, always a sign things are going to plan

“I’m gonna f**king SMASH you! Are you afraid?” Athena screams.

The crew member’s voice is high and panicked as she desperately tries to restrain her.

“ATHENA! ATHENA! ATHENA! YOU CAN’T DO THAT! ATHENA! ATHENA!”

Whatever this poor crew member’s getting paid, it’s not enough

Back on the couch, Victoria and Athena start up again — and they’re getting nowhere, yelling over the top of each other as temperatures rise and Alex Perry desperately tries to mediate. Exasperated, Victoria walks off set.

“I can’t take it anymore. Bye, see ya, you’re a nightmare, bye Felicia,” she says, storming off to her dressing room and putting in an order for a vodka tonic as she goes (the whole world’s a bar and everyone’s a waiter when you’re a Real Housewife).

I AM LEAVING (WITH A STRONG ALCOHOLIC DRINK PLEASE)

When she returns to the couch after a brief time-out, she’s met with a few muttered Greek expletives from Athena.

Athena, still offensive in Greek.

*Curses in Greek* *Eyerolls in English*

LISA VS KRISSY

We’re treated to a spectacular video package showing Lisa’s penchant for lying that you just know the editors took great pleasure putting together.

Almost everything the woman’s said this season can be directly contradicted by something else she’s said. There’s also her tendency to reserve her most vicious attacks for her solo interviews, where her castmates — a bunch of dumb, fat, ugly sluts, as she paints them — have no right of reply.

Confronted with a season’s worth of her own lies and slurs, Lisa smiles like she’s watching cute cat videos on YouTube:

‘Ahhhhhh, good times’

One bizarre Lisa Oldfield tall tale to emerge at the reunion: During filming, she contacted the producers to report that a dead cat had been flung over her backyard fence, providing a grisly picture as evidence of the intimidatory act.

After some basic sleuthing, it was discovered that the picture is on the first page of Google results when you search ‘dead cat’.

Despite this, Lisa’s holding firm to the story, naming Krissy — who lives a good hour’s drive away — as the cat-throwing culprit.

“Oh my god, what planet are you on?” says Krissy.

“You sent a photo of a cat to production saying ‘I NEED PROTECTION! I HAVE TO MAKE A REPORT TO THE POLICE!’ And you sent a cat from FIFTEEN YEARS AGO THAT DIED ON GOOGLE! You got caught out darling, you’re a liar.”

We're going to go out on a limb and say Krissy Marsh did NOT drive across Sydney with a dead cat to throw at Lisa Oldfield

Yes, Lisa concedes, the picture she sent as evidence was of a “stunt cat” — but there’s a reason for that: “[Husband] David wouldn’t let me take real photos, because he knows that I’d put it on Instagram.”

Surely you’ve lost an argument if you have to concede that your first thought when confronted with a dead cat on your property is ‘This would look so good with a Valencia filter.’

As Krissy sees it, all Lisa cares about is “what will get her more followers. You’ll do ANYTHING to get more followers.”

We also witness one previously unseen mid-season confrontation between the pair, with Lisa thrusting a sex toy from a gift bag at Krissy during a lunch and telling her to “metaphorically and literally go f**k yourself.”

In a master interview reflecting on the incident, Krissy straight-facedly delivers a late contender for funniest line of the season:

“Lisa Oldfield’s thrown a dildo at me and she expects me to be her friend? FORGET IT.”

MMM, STRONG DILDO-RELATED BOUNDARY-SETTING, GIRLFRIEND.

Everyone here is glaring at Lisa Oldfield, just FYI

And if, like us, you occasionally forget Melissa Tkautz is even on this show, one line from Krissy to Lisa may offer an explanation: “Mel’s petrified of you because you will GO TO ANY LENGTHS.”

Mel’s clearly non-confrontational by nature, so she was never going to be the star of Real Housewives, but it also makes sense that this mother of two young children would keep her head down to avoid having Lisa drag her name through the mud.

Lisa concedes that many of her past ‘slut’ jibes about Krissy were cheap shots designed to hurt, and which she now regrets. It’s a welcome apology ... BUT WAIT. Nicole brought receipts. She pulls out her phone to show a since-deleted post she screengrabbed from Lisa’s Instagram account mere days ago.

It’s a creep shot Lisa had taken of Krissy’s swimsuit-clad butt, with a caption offering her up to the highest bidder and describing her rear end as “hail damaged with multiple owners.”

Lisa Oldfield’s Instagram account, where hashtags go to die

“You are the keyboard warrior. On your own, you go vile. If that’s going to give you Instagram followers, darling, I PITY you, because it’s very, very damaging to you as a professional woman and a mother,” says Krissy.

They state the obvious to Lisa: Every nasty, unprovoked social media attack you make on us only makes you look worse.

Lisa admits her family recently sat her down and gave her the very same lecture. It seems it’s yet to sink in.

ATHENA VS LITERALLY EVERYONE

Nicole points out that, throughout the season, Athena has had a massive fight with every other Housewife — even her bestie Lisa. She says that despite what Athena thinks, there is no grand campaign among the others to bully and belittle her.

Athena pauses to consider this for a moment — is she finally ‘getting it’? She speaks:

“I’m baffled. I’m lost for words. You are Australia’s. Greatest. Liar.”’

So that’s a no, then.

Athena has an explanation for her stream of explosive outbursts during the season, and it’s one that handily absolves her of all responsibility.

“My job was to be the mirror to these women that were highly judgmental. I was here to lift that mirror and show them what they were doing with my reactions.”

Obviously nobody’s buying this, and as the others chime in with tales of Athena’s bad behaviour, one word keeps getting used to describe her: Nasty.

“You’re the nastiest person I’ve ever met in my life,” says Victoria.

Victoria's basically in permanent eyeroll mode during this episode, bring the woman another vodka tonic.

Athena once again insists that she never, ever slags off her fellow Housewives behind their backs.

BUT WAIT. Nicole brought receipts. She disappears side of stage and re-emerges clutching a copy of NW magazine that features an Athena interview with the headline: ‘Nicole’s out to get me!’

Someone stopped at the newsagents on the way in

The article contains quote after quote from Athena denigrating her cast mates, which Nicole reads aloud theatrically for maximum effect.

Leaving set in a huff to produce a shady tabloid mag interview as evidence: Nicole, this is A+ Housewives behaviour.

She brought props and she’s not afraid to use them

NICOLE VS LISA

Nicole and Lisa are family friends, and as the season opened, Lisa was thrilled to have her old pal back from London. But the friendship quickly soured — though it’s only now we discover how bad it got.

Much like her preoccupation with Krissy’s ‘sluttiness’, it seems Lisa’s been fostering an obsession with Nicole’s weight. Cue the reunion’s most painful video compilation: Lisa gleefully announcing during her master interviews that “fatty fatty fat fat” Nicole has “porked up a bit.”

“Watching Nicole stuff her fat little face … there’s not going to be any for me, fatso!”

Back on the couch, the room falls silent. Nicole looks like she’s about to burst into tears.

The only sound comes from Athena, who is laughing hysterically at what she’s seen.

HA HA HA IT HURT HER FEELINGS GET IT

If this is what ‘fat’ looks like I’m a goddamn walrus

Nicole takes a deep breath and lets rip at Lisa, Tyra-style.

“I have never ONCE said a nasty word about you. I defended you when the other girls doubted you or tried to bring you down. I defended you because of my loyalty to your family.”

Lisa’s got a counterargument to explain all the weird behind-the-back body shaming: She says she felt abandoned by Nicole as her marriage to David was faltering.

BUT WAIT. Nicole brought receipts. Again pulling out her phone, she shows an array of texts she sent to Lisa and David, repeatedly offering to help them in any way she could. When that didn’t work, she even sent her brother around to check on the couple.

Suitably chastised, Lisa apologises for being a “Grade-A mother**king bitch.”

If you mess with Nicole she WILL bring back-up materials

LISA VS DAVID

Sydney’s bitchiest Housewife, David Oldfield, joins his wife on the couch to once more rake over their marital woes.

He tries to slam Victoria for offering to provide his wife with a divorce lawyer’s details, but she’s not having it: “Do you know what? It actually had nothing to do with you,” she tells him. Can’t bully this one, Oldfield.

The unhappy couple insist their marriage is on the mend and lean in for the world’s least convincing kiss, David really going the extra mile and giving his wife a super-romantic boob-honk.

“We are merely exchanging long protein strings. If you can think of a simpler way, I’d like to hear it”

And aren’t things going well. Last week Lisa drunkenly announced her divorce on — where else — Instagram, then took it all back the next morning on — where else — The Kyle and Jackie O show. Ain’t love grand!!!!!

THE END

So how on earth do you draw this 90-minute car crash to a close? Hold ANOTHER Pomeranian wedding? No, we end with an entirely ill-fitting compilation of the group’s fun n’ friendly moments from through the season, the footage cobbled together from the brief interludes when they weren’t all throwing drinks in each other’s faces.

Because after all, that’s what this show’s really about, isn’t it folks? Female friendship.

... Now f**k off, Captain Eyebrows.

That’s it, there’s no more Real Housewives of Sydney this season — fans will have to wait until later this year when Real Housewives of Melbourne season four hits screens. Until then, chat all things Housewives with recapper and popular Google result for ‘dead cat’ Nick Bond on Twitter at @bondnickbond.