Housewives feud turns X-rated: ‘I’m going to masturbate over your husband’

A FIGHT between the Real Housewives of Melbourne got ugly in this week’s episode as they traded vicious barbs about each other’s sex lives.

WE open this week with the usually stoic Gina Liano telling her two closest friends among the cast, Venus and Lydia, that she’s seeking counselling in the wake of her father’s death.

In a rare moment of vulnerability, Gina admits she’s been doing it tough, battling to get out of this fog of grief.

“It’s a bit like how I’m feeling at the moment with Gamble — every time I see her we’ve got an issue,” says Venus. NOT THE SAME THING, VENUS.

‘Gina don’t talk to me about grief, I’ve been despondent since Gamble mocked my aristocratic title’

Gamble, the women agree, skates through life using her ditzy, ‘wounded little bird’ schtick to get what she wants. Venus even has a ‘Gamble noise’ she uses to impersonate her rival — a whiny, high-pitched whimper. Lydia appears utterly confused by it, perhaps because of its eery similarities to Figaro’s daily SOS call.

‘Figaro? Is that you in there?’

Lydia reflects on her confrontation with Janet and Jackie at the end of last week’s episode, dismissing Jackie’s tearful storm-out as “very theatrical” (which seems a touch hypocritical from someone whose resting face often resembles a neutral mask).

She says she wants to mend the friendship with Jackie. Perfect timing, Venus points out — Jackie’s birthday party is just around the corner.

Lydia looks even more blank-faced than usual. Yep, in a move beloved by both Real Housewives and mega-bitchy year 7s, she’s been purposefully left off the party invite list.

Jackie wants to vent about the Lydia situation so drops by Chyka’s house — Chyka no doubt wishing she’d moved to a secure new location when she left as a core cast member at the end of last season.

Jackie tells Chyka she doesn’t want Lydia at her birthday party, and perhaps not even at a planned girls trip to Mexico she’s going to invite the rest of the cast to.

“I hope you all have the most amazing trip, and I can’t wait to hear about it,” says Chyka, who clearly has firm boundaries in place this season (rule one: never go to a second location with a Real Housewife).

The contented smile of a woman who never has to attend another Real Housewives group dinner

Sally’s up-market Bali hotel is weeks away from opening, and she has interior designer Alex Zabotto-Bentley on the case — he’s been in Papua New Guinea sourcing shelves. “I’ve got a small tribe helping me with that one,” he assures her. It’s all very vintage Ab Fab — think Edwina Monsoon telling Saffy that “there’s a nomadic tribe in the North African desert that’s going to be travelling rather light this winter.”

Alex flags a few slight hiccups that may delay the hotel’s opening date, and Sally shoots him an icy stare that suggests she has a quietly terrifying side we may see more of this season:

Sally will cut a bitch, who knew

Next we drop in on a family dinner at the Breaux / Wolfe household, where Gamble’s stepson Luke has figured out the best (née only) way to appear on this show: Drunk.

Keep on drinkin', Lukey.

Gamble insists Luke and her husband Rick investigate the ‘ghost’ that’s haunting their wine cellar — every time she ventures down there, she feels the presence of an evil spirit lurking (Pettifleur, is that you?).

At first, she thought this spooky spectre was “a flashback from some mushrooms I took in the 80s,” an admission that at least proves Gamble has eaten something in her adult life.

Sorry Gamble, you’re out — we did not say Simon Says.

Before you know it, the whole family’s hobbling about in the cellar by candlelight for a spot of ghost hunting. Gamble shrieks hysterically through the whole ordeal while Luke never strays from his primary focus:

In the event of paranormal activity, do not drop your cab sav

Finally this week we’re at Jackie’s party, and bestie Janet’s first to arrive. “Let’s party up girl, and celebrate your 30th birthday!” she exclaims. 30th? Sure, OK, let’s go with that.

Gamble arrives with a present in hand — a certificate for a star she’s bought off the internet in Jackie’s name. Between this and the shady ‘Lady’ title she bought Janet a few weeks back, it seems Gamble’s spending entirely too much time at home on the internet with her credit card at the ready. Nigerian scammers, have at her.

Now, this is Jackie’s birthday, so what Jackie says goes. If Jackie Gillies wants you to binge tequila until you spew, you have to do it.

“Come on Gina, I don’t care that you don’t drink!” she announces, forcing a shot into her friend’s hand as Gina takes the tiniest of little gerbil sips.

Oh she is bloody loving it

MEANWHILE. Did anyone else spot the party guest in the background of this scene? Is that Manuela, Janet’s intimidating former friend? The one the Housewives all turned on and Gamble compared to a “horse and donkey” during an interview with news.com.au?

See that, right between Gamble and Venus? MANUELA!

Ben brings out a cake, and Jackie blows out all the candles — well, almost all. She loses interest halfway through and instead leans in to pash her husband, leaving Sally to step in and blow out the rest.

Sally blows, Jackie tongues

Jackie then uses her birthday speech to drop an Oprah-esque bombshell to the partygoers:

“You’re. All. Going. To. MEXICOOOOOO!”

Wait — sorry, not all of you. Specifically, those of you who are Real Housewives.

Her co-stars shriek with excitement, dancing as a surprise Mariachi band enters to herald the news. Behind them, the rest of the party guests smile weakly and wonder why exactly they had to be present for all this.

Foreground: “OMG WE'RE GOING ON HOLIDAY!” Background: “Oh ... neat ... have fun”

As the ladies toast their impending trip, Venus sidles up to Gamble. Given their history, she thinks it best they have a chat before jetting off on holiday together.

“Well, what about? Every time I speak to you, you go mental,” Gamble sighs. “You act like a lunatic.”

Aaaaand they’re off, trading insults as their co-stars slink off to the bar.

“You’re older than me, Gamble, grow up,” Venus spits.

They have at least one thing in common: A deep and unwavering hatred for each other

“You’re 20 years older than me in cosmetic surgery! Why don’t you go get some more work done?” is Gamble’s pot-kettle retort.

Venus gives as good as she gets: “Are you hallucinating, darling? Just shut the f**k up. You talk s**t.”

Gamble’s now stuck on Venus’ husband, James. She wants to know what he actually does for a living.

“Why do you care about my husband?” asks Venus.

“My husband gives great oral sex, that’s what he does, my husband gives me GRRRREAT oral sex!” (and yes, she does say this a bit like Tony the Tiger).

Gamble speaks for anyone watching:

yuckyuckyuckyuckyuck

Gamble’s had enough — but she lobs one last grenade over her shoulder as she storms out of the party.

“Why don’t you go f**k yourself, Venus? I’m going home to masturbate over James. Ohhh James, I’m coming James! JAAAAAMES!”

Well. Venus ain’t having that:

“Someone follow her home please”

Next week: The Real Housewives of Mexico, and it’s a dramatic trip — Janet sustains a mysterious injury and Gina lashes out at Sally.

The Real Housewives of Melbourne screens 8:30pm Wednesdays on Foxtel’s Arena Channel. Check news.com.au right after each episode airs for our full recap — and chat all things Housewives with recapper Nick Bond, who is 20 years older than Venus in cosmetic surgery, on Twitter at @bondnickbond.