First Dates on a mission to take these singles out of the dating pool
WE all know the feeling. You’re out on a date with someone who knows they’re OUTRAGEOUS. And you would really just prefer to go home and play with your trains.
I WANT to wish almost everyone on this episode of First Dates the absolute best of luck finding true love and eternal happiness.
Because if these people continue to exist in the available dating pool, single people are in for a very, very annoying time.
JOSH AND TASH
“My type would definitely be — I’m pretty picky — so female … yeah that’s about it,” says self-confessed funny guy Josh in his introduction, showing an extremely misleading amount of promise.
Happily his date Tash is female, and everything you need to know about Tash can be gleaned from two things — she introduces herself by telling us: “If you were the receptionist where I work, you would be sick of me, because I get flowers sent to me on a weekly basis,” and this is how she waits to cross the street:
These two are made for each other, and it’s refreshing to know that attraction can blossom without the inconvenience of any real substance. Josh’s main personality traits are pronouncing “salmon” as “sarl-min” and reaching James Bond levels of suave by buying them both a shot called a One Night Stand. In gratitude, Tash responds to each of Josh’s witticisms with what she no doubt hashtags on Instagram as #flirtface.
“I’m gonna eat a bit more of this because I’m gonna need my energy later I reckon,” purrs Josh, having practised that line in front of the mirror earlier as a teenager.
“Did you see me just about to bolt for the door?” quips Josh wittily when Tash says she has a son, but it just turns out to be a chihuahua.
The pair overcome their obvious emotional depth and flip a coin to decide whether or not to go on another date.
Thankfully they go on another date. We need to keep these people off the streets.
EMMA AND JEROME
At least we’re likely to get some respite from vacant inanities with the return of quirky skipping-rope Emma from last week — back for another go, right? If she can stop giggling.
Admittedly the giggling is likely due to her attraction to heavily moustachioed Jerome.
Basically what you have here is the two ends of the uncomfortable kissing spectrum, sitting together at a dinner table.
“Kissing — I’d make it work, that’s for sure,” says Jerome, who we suspect is smitten “regardless of the braces or the moustache or the glasses” he continues, nodding like a man who would probably still kiss Emma if she was on fire in a rock grinder.
By Awkward Question Time, the potentially hospitalising danger Emma and Jerome will put themselves in if they kiss is so tantalising, we actually want to watch it happen.
He’d love to go on a second date.
She’d (giggles) love to go on a second date.
DO IT. KISS. DO IT.
BRONTE AND THOMAS
We’re having so much success down the shallow end of the pool, there’s really no need for Bronte and Thomas to wade any deeper, right?
Bronte’s a hairdresser who loves — of all things — a good head of hair.
Thomas, caught here in a candid moment, has some hair.
“You’re actually quite everything, aren’t you?” Bronte says as soon as she meets Thomas.
“He is EVERYTHING!” she exclaims to camera in private.
“Long hair is EVERYTHING,” she reiterates at the dinner table.
Basically, if Thomas came to this restaurant to talk about hair for two hours, he’s in a LOT of luck. And honestly, as long as he keeps doing this in front of Bronte:
He’ll be in even more luck.
You just know these two are going on a second date. She’s even squeezing his buns.
YEN AND ALEXANDER
Yen is a law student who very, very badly wants people to find her outrageous.
“I think people would assume that I’m quite obnoxious,” she says, perceptively. “I’m proud of the fact that I’m apologetically myself,” she continues, without apologising.
On the other hand, this is adorable model-train nerd Alexander, who is not at all intense and doesn’t seem to be picking up what Yen is urgently laying down.
What follows is an incompatibility festival — Yen trying to flap the unflappable and Alexander trying to not let his dismay show on his face.
“I’m not a student, I’m like 50 years old. I’M KIDDING!” japes Yen, unobnoxiously.
“Where’s the weirdest place you’ve had sex?” asks Yen, reading from her Big Book Of Cliched Questions University Students Ask.
“My car, I guess,” responds Alexander, wishing he was in his car, driving away at speed.
“I DID IT IN A LECTURE ROOM!” announces Yen on this program that a university cleaner is now watching with disappointment.
“Do you have much of a social life? I think loners are hot, I’m attracted to recluses,” asserts Yen, clutching at straws.
At Awkward Question Time, Yen announces that she thinks she and Alexander would be better off as friends. SHE’S KIDDING! She’d love a second date.
Alexander wouldn’t. He is not kidding.
ROBYN AND SAM
After this bin fire of a night we need something — just one thing — that’s pure and good. A hope to cling to. A reason to believe in love again.
“My ovaries are literally dying,” says gorgeous food scientist Robyn, providing that hope.
“I’m quite aware of the fact that my smile takes up half my face, but it’s something I’ve learned to love,” she adds, wrapping our hope in a blanket and hugging it.
Look, Robyn really, really wants babies but knows how much that can scare guys off.
“I’m looking for a wife. I’m gettin’ clucky as,” says Sam, potentially the nicest café-owner on earth.
Waaaiiiit a second. He works with food, she works with food. He wants to have babies, she wants to have babies. He thinks she’s way out of his league — she is way out of his league.
Could … could this be two normal people with reasonable standards being natural and friendly and finding each other genuinely attractive as a result?
I mean these two are so nice that they don’t even get embarrassed when good ol’ wang mushroom makes an appearance.
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